#o8ogls

I dreamt of you and it seemed real... you cleaned up; dyed your hair brown, shaved that unkempt bread of yours and wore a navy blue long-sleeved shirt.

I had my arms around your arms in the bus where I repeatedly told you that I missed you. And you were ready with an explanation.

But I woke up too soon and now I'll never know what my subconscious was thinking of.

Rationally, logically, no. We won't get back together even if you were to sit me down with an explanation. I don't deny that I miss you or possibly the feeling of being with you. I don't deny that I'm lonely, but I'm far too stubborn to settle down. Who wouldn't love someone to come home to? A shoulder to cry on, a partner in crime. A bestfriend that's yours for life. I'm human too. But far too stubborn. That, I agree is something that I'll work on.

I seldom think of you like I used to. But you're the last man I loved. The last man who took all of my heart. These days even if I think about you it doesn't last long. Because how much can our memories fuel me? Doesn't take long to reach the end honey. I used to reminisce the moments; each moment frame by frame played in my mind on a loop because I was getting over you.

I started dating other people, I started volunteering, I travelled to find myself. And I did. (Kind of) I was slowly getting over you.

The thing about exes is that they're so familiar.. And it's so easy to fall right back into that toxic loop. It's so easy to wonder how things might go right IF we tried again.

Were there times where I thought about you, about us? Yes. Were there times where I was crazy enough to just have a fling with you? Yeah, sure.

By and by, I got over you. I only thought about you if there were a trigger. Someone looking like you. Their mannerisms. Your cigarette smell.

Then yesterday came-a-knocking. Valentine's day. Great.

You texted me. That didn't cause a downward spiral. So that I'm proud of. But what do you want? What are you thinking?

Sigh.

I pray that you're not thinking about me. I truly truly hope that you'll find someone else to love and to hold. Because I have you to thank for for getting over you. I really do. Whether intentional or not, because we shut all communications it forced me to get back on my feet. And I can only empathise how tough it is to have lost your mum. Oh honey, if we were together when all of our crap happened I would have hugged you through the night. I'll wipe your tears and you'll wipe mine and we'll grow through our losses.

But please please remember that you were the one who ended things because of what was happening. You chose to decide for me; that I wouldn't stick by you. I wasn't given that option. So now if you're only just waking up from the grief and thinking about me, do yourself a favour and turn around.

I don't think I can deal with this. I'm not sure if I want to. I lost almost everything within 1 week of my return. I lost you. I lost my education. I lost hope of ever becoming a pharmacist. And now that I'm fighting for it again I don't think I can choose between love and love. I love what I do so much. And it tore me apart when I gave up you and my dream at the same time. It tore me up. And before I could recover I took another blow of losing another love. The love who brought me up. The love who was like a grandmother to me. And I crumbled. I lost confidence in what I did. I lost the spark in my eye and the fire in my chest. I developed compulsive behaviours and went for counselling.

I've since found my fire. And I'm only starting to declutter and organise. If you were to come into the mix right now I don't think I'd be able to deal with it. Because I don't think I can choose between you and my career. IF this is really happening, I'm sorry. But it's my time to decide that you're not part of my plan nor my life.

虽然我没有什么牵挂你了，不过偶尔想起你也不是不好。。。

我今天想对你说; 虽然我们已经分手了，虽然我们做不了爱人，今年对你来说应该很辛苦 因为我也了解你的心情。虽然我们没有什么说话 见面 我要你知道我要你好。我要你开心。我想说，我想念你 不要误会 我没有那个意思。我想你。我想你好。总而言之，你没事就好。希望新的一年会对你好 希望新的一年会给你多一点理由笑。