#071818

Sometimes, we relapse. Sometimes, we take 2 steps forward and 3 steps back. Sometimes, we think we are getting better but we aren’t.

When I try to tell people about how I feel, they make it seem as though I am crazy for having these feelings. I can’t talk about how I hate my body and don’t feel like I belong in this skin because “you’re beautiful” or “you’re thin enough!” or “you’re crazy, look at yourself!” Is all people say. I don’t see myself the way some people see me. I hate myself. I hate my body. But as soon as I bring it up, I get told that I’m crazy for feeling that way as if my feelings are invalid.

I can’t talk about being depressed because then my feelings get blamed on the life I am living. My children, my family, my life DOES NOT make me depressed. I am depressed for GOD knows why. I can’t talk about the way I feel because apparently, it is due to “regret”. I just want to talk shit out sometimes but I fucking can’t.

I’m unwanted. I get pushed away. I’m “annoying” because of the things I get excited for. I want to be yellow! But people force me to be dark gray. I can’t be what I want to be because it doesn’t fit other people’s mold of what I should be. I can’t wear clothes I feel confident in because suddenly, I am a fucking object and not a person.

I can’t keep all of this shit to myself because it’s eating me alive. I try to be happy and I try to let my light shine but as soon as it does, it’s a problem to the world. I can not do anything right and I am so tired of feeling like a worthless piece of shit. All I do is try to please others and it is NEVER enough. When the fuck can I start to please myself?

I thought I was getting better. I thought I was beginning to love myself. I thought I was starting to be happy. But as soon as things get tough, I crumble. How much longer can I possibly fake this for?

This is MY fucking life.