#05202014

I don't understand what we are. Are we just friends or are we a little more than that? You can't just tell me that my laugh is cute and that you like making me laugh. You can't just tell me you're gonna hold my hand. You can't just hug me every so often... You can't just do that. It just makes me think you still have feelings for me. But I kinda have this feeling that you do... Idk, I might be reading this whole thing wrong.

I got lost in your eyes again today...

05.20.2014 I'm worried I'm going to end up alone. All my friendships I've ever had, I've never maintained up until I entered high school. I can make friends but I just can't let people close enough to me anymore. I care about people... sometimes too much. I desperately crave love. I know my family loves me. But I'm asian. and my parents really have evolved but we don't tend to show much affection still. I'm the most affectionate person in my family. I love hugs and kisses. I have someone in my life I care about. But sometimes I fear that I care more about him than he does for me. No, I know I care more. My heart knows. I've known this for years.I don't know what to do. I want to forget all the pain my heart has ever known so I can have more friends and let them in. Me not letting anyone in is still hurting. I'm still hurting because I can't let anyone in. I'm scared. I'm flawed. Select few people are really close to me but I'm still so scared because I might unintentionally push them away. I'm scared because... I love too much and too hard. loving people is too hard for me. everytime someone leaves.. I can feel my heart literally breaking. I guess I've been thinking about this more because my best friend who knows so much about me is leaving soon. And I'm terrified. I've managed not to screw up this friendship and I'm scared that his leaving will change everything. I just don't know. -jen