Thoughts

There’s nothing like the feeling of hearing the love of your life say “you’re the one” ❤️

I miss you sooo much. Its weird how different things are. I wish you werent so lost. I wish you didnt have all these problems. If i had all the money in the world or even just a few million, i would gladly get rid of the hole you are in. If i had all the power in the world i would do everyyhing in power to prevent you from having to go through this.

To think that right now i could/should be sleeping next to you. Or i couldve slept next to you after thanksgiving dinner. I couldve been wrapped around your arms. I couldve kissed you goodnight. I couldve hugged you tighter or annoyed you with my snoring. I shouldve. I hate that this is happening and i wish it wasnt. I wish our relationship wasnt affected. We were finally making our relationship work.

I wish you’re able to live the life you want. I wish youre able to be you. I am so in love with you and i just want the best for you. I wish your life wasnt being controlled.

My eyes hurts. I toss and turn when I sleep. My heart hurt. I’m broken.

I️ wanna die but I’m scared to face death in the face. I’m a coward.

There’s no point to anything anymore. I️ don’t want to exist anymore. What’s the point?

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I fell asleep and woke up hoping it was all a dream but I️ woke up to the sadness that was reality. I️ kept looking at my phone hoping to see a message from him or something. Maybe just maybe.

Maybe he would text me. Maybe he called me. Maybe he changed his mind. Maybe it will work out. Maybe.

Or maybe we’ll never get back together. Maybe we won’t talk again. Maybe, I️ just lost my best friend. Maybe. Maybe this is it.

And I️m having a hard time accepting it.

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I often think about getting into car accidents and getting into a coma because im scared of dying and being in a coma is the closest thing to it.

I often wonder why I keep going. Why I put in all the effort. I’m not important. I’m not enough.

I think about whether people will care and who would stay by my side if I were to get into a coma.

Thanks for caring Anon. I’m happy and I think this relationship is worth fighting for. Yes, at time I’m upset and depressed because we all have our bad days. We’ve definitely had are ups and downs. Life is a constant battle, it’s always throwing unexpected situations at you. This is the longest relationship for both of us, and we’re still learning and growing. As we get older, life gets harder. More problems arise, time goes by faster and it seems like there’s never enough. The situation that has been thrown to him is new to him, allowing little to no time with himself and his family, let alone me. His situation affects me as well, although not as much as him. I don’t expect to be the first priority in his life because he’s not mine. We both have things going on. Being in a relationship, you don’t give up on the person you love just because of a few minor bumps on the road. You talk it out and work things out. We’re working on making this relationship work. Nothing just happens magically. We both choose to be together and stay together. At the end of the day, what matters most is that we choose to love each other everyday.

The only times I post on this tumblr are on the days where I’m sad, like a diary. It’s where I’m able to let all my feelings out and be honest with myself. I talk about it with him after I’ve thought about how I felt. He definitely knows about this tumblr. What I don’t post about is the times he makes me happy. The times he puts a smile on my face, especially on the days where I’m sad. The times he completely turns my day back around. I don’t post about the times he has given up something for me, or how he makes me laugh. The times where we get to experience the world together. The times we talk about our future. I don’t talk about the times he spoil me or when he turns me on. I appreciate him for everything he has done and everything is doing.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that I got upset at you for leaving so early. I’m sorry if I annoy you. I’m sorry if I’m a burden and if I get in the way. I’m sorry.

I just want your arms around me. Or for you to talk to me. Or just to hang out without our friends there.

Right now, I just want you for myself. I need you for myself.

I’m sorry. I know it’s too much to ask right now because there’s no time.

I’m being selfish. I’m sorry.