365 days of me.

do you ever feel like you're not living?

i mean, you're breathing and functioning but you're not really living.

my life is a catastrophic hot mess right now and it feels like it's never going to sort itself out. i'm really not enjoying this part of my life right now; i have no idea when I'll ever finish school and even then I haven't a clue about what I want to do after. It just feels like when I jump through one hurdle I just encounter another one. 

I don't want to watch life pass me by, which is why I'm going to school and doing these things but I feel obligated to do them. None of this makes me happy. And what makes it worse is that people I know seem to know exactly what they want from life. They have their whole lives planned out and working according to plan... and me? I'm just trying to make it through each day without tearing my hair out and screaming. 

October 13, 2014. 

You've probably felt this happen once or twice in your life right? The death of a friendship? 

If you haven't you're incredibly lucky and you should probably skip this post. 

I'm going through one right now and it feels like a break-up. I'm kinda in that awkward phase where you try to revive the friendship once again because you know how awesome the friendship was before, but its exhausting because you've been reviving it for a while now and it would be easier to just let it die. 

I admit I'm exhausted. Losing close friends has happened to me a couple of times along the way and it does not get any easier when it does happen. Sometimes you just grow out of friendships and those are easier to mourn because both of you have moved on. But the ones where someone tries to revive it, is the hardest. Because one person definitely cares more than the other and you just don't know what to do about it. Kind of like a relationship. 

It definitely sucks. More than often I'm the one who cares more and sticks around.  And making friends doesn't get easier as you get older either, and it wasn't like I was blessed with excellent conversational skills either.

I started this blog with the intentions of it being my personal project and my journey to find a way of being happy. 

"Every day may not be good, but there is something good in every day".

I'm not happy right now. I'm pretty miserable. But I want to go back to being okay... and eventually happy.

My dad bought me a new camera when he came back from Korea and I'm going to use it to find the beauty in something everyday as a reminder to myself.

Later today I'll post something up

I can't explain what this feeling feels like excepts it like a really deep wound that I can't fix. 

There are reminders everywhere.. and even when I'm not thinking about him, my mind sub- consciously is. 

I didn't want to be bothered at all today. I felt so numb on the train, oblivious to everything. I almost missed my stop. 

The littlest things are setting me off. I miss him so much. I hate him but I still love him. 

Everybody keeps saying things like "you can do better"....... but I don't care. I just want him.

I keep checking my phone to see if he sent me a text telling me he's sorry...and my heart breaks even more as the minutes pass and its not him.

I feel so pathetic. I wish I could be over all of it and move on. It hurts so much and I know he doesn't even give a shit.

05.29. 2014

Today started off as a good day.. and ended up being a terrible, painful one.

I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years. Why? Everything was going so well and I was happy. Recently he reconnected with his first ex girlfriend at a family party. He claims he had to reconnect with her because his dad set them up. When he told me this I was just jealous because he's had previous loves before and for me there's been no one else. 

I thought they had just talked at the party and that was it. Turns out I was wrong. They've been texting each other ever since the party. He lied to me. He told me it was just at the party that they talked and they separated ways. 

I broke up with him because he couldn't choose between me and her. Now I know that sounds childish but it isn't.  When we first started dating there was this other guy who was a friend of mine. My boyfriend told me to stop talking to him because he thought that our friendship was too flirtatious and he was extremely jealous. And so I did. 

I gave up my friendship to be with him. I also defied my parents to be with him. So why is that he can't return the favor for me. 

05.27. 2013

It's been quite some time since I've written anything on my blog. 

Today was quite stressful for me. Its been a really long day.

I had to take the train to school and its my first time ever doing that. It was really nerve wracking and at some points I really wanted to cry.

However I did it, without getting lost too!

I got to school an hour earlier than planned but that was fine. 

All in all my day was busy and fine. 

But why am I feeling overwhelmed? I feel like I can't do this. I have some worries about this class... like I won't be able to pass. and thats my biggest fear. 

My parents are paying so much for me to take this class. I'm blessed to be able to do things.. but I don't want to fail.

College is so different than Highschool.. In highschool it didn't matter if you passed or not you could just retake it. 

If i fail, I only get one more chance to redo it or else I'm on academic probation. 

I failed Chemistry in Highschool.. actually passed it by the skin of my teeth. I think I got a D or something. But thats probably just because the teacher didn't want to fail anyone. I can't get a D here. I need a C or better.

05.06.2014

Sometimes you just need to cry. Its 2:15 A.M. and I'm working on a project that's due tonight at midnight.

I'm feeling overwhelmed. I have other things to do; like study for exams on Friday. I feel hopeless. I know this feeling is going to pass but it just sucks because I feel like I have so much on my plate already and I'm just not getting any breaks here.

I've been surrounding myself with people who help me and brighten my day. But at the end of the night I'm alone and I can't control what goes on. I spiral out of control and I can't help but let myself go and cry.I know tomorrow morning I'll be a little more rational but right now my minds in the gutter thinking about all the "what ifs". I'm scared. I'm 19. I still don't have my driver's license. I'm not sure when I'll graduate. I don't even know if I picked the right career. I don't even know if I'm capable of getting a job. I've got family issues. I'm losing friends left and right. I'm socially awkward. I think I've got early Alzheimer's, I can't remember specific details like I used to. There's definitely gotta be something wrong with me right?

Sometimes I feel burdened by my thoughts. I have solace in the weekends because I know I can relax for a day and not think about the upcoming week.. my upcoming future. If I don't think about it.. the problems should go away. 

Maybe I'm just being naive. But my fears feel all too real. I'm 19. Will I still feel like this when I'm 21? 25? 30? At what age will I be confident enough to be sure within my life? I obsess over these thoughts at least a dozen times a day. I don't think that my fears will ever go away; I think they just progress into something worse. Eventually after I get a job my worries will develop into worrying about money and saving up. And then as I get older it'll be about caring for my parents in their old age. I worry so far ahead of myself. It's a cycle.

I'm tired of obsessing. I want to be okay. I'm trying.