#05012013

It's 2:30AM. I'm not sure if I put the date right or did I get the format wrong again but whatever, I think I got it in the British format. I've started to tell people a lot that they can leave whenever they feel like it, that they don't have to stay just because they feel like they have to or I'll get hurt. I know you told me to stop doing that because you hate it whenever I'm doing something that would hurt me. I don't seem to feel a thing somehow. Is it because I miss you? I've been missing you a lot lately. I think it's because you were so important to me that everyone else has turned into fireflies. If you're here, nothing else matters. But you're not, and all that matters is for you to come back into my life again. Have you been fighting yourself too? Have you been thinking about me lately? Have you been trying not to? It's almost the 11th. I'm dying again. I can't stop drowning. I remember that we'd always fight from the 1st of every month until the 11th, and we'd tell each other how much we love each other and how much we hate it whenever we fight. Why did it have to end up like that? Love is so painful. I loathe it. But I love you so much, it hurts everywhere. Sometimes I think about you and I'm just too weak to walk. Sometimes I sit silently in the subway and I feel like my whole body is dragged down into the depths on my heart again. Where are you? I can't find you. It's making me anxious. I can't remember the happy times that we spent anymore. None of it stayed and I'm scared. I know you told me to be strong. I know, I tried, but it's too hard for me. I need you. I'm so tired of smiling and laughing. I'm tired of hiding my emotions and I'm sorry, there is just too many times where I feel like I can't do it anymore. I'm so tired of fighting myself over and over again. I can feel myself giving in to the devil that's eating me alive. Come back. Save me. I can't do this anymore. Your warrior is too weak to fight. I'm sorry for relying on you again and again. Please forgive me. With love, Ebbing Warrior J. x

Year: 2009