#jlog

JUNSEO Jlog #4

JUNSEO Jlog #3

La Nuit Verte (JVC GY LS 300 J Log)

Its exactly as the title says. November 7, 7:30ish PM, I decided to give this guy a ride to his apartment. He said he was a student at my university and had a id and everything. It was raining, darkening, and I was only sitting there waiting for my friend. My normal answer would have been no but just looking at him looking cold and desperate, I caved and said ok. I drove him to his apartment which wasnt far, so he got out and I started to drive off. I glanced and saw my backpack had toppled off the seat on to the floor of my car, so I reached out to feel if it was upside down because my laptop would have been damaged from the other things in my backpack if it was. I felt the zipper was unzipped and my blood just turned to ice as the horror dawned on me. In the most dangerous way possible, I yanked the wheel and veered into the nearest parking lot and parked to check. Multiple zippers were unzipped and I NEVER leave them unzipped. One by one I reached in to check the contents. I reached into the pocket where my laptop was and felt it there (I ALMOST CRIED FROM RELIEF). The same cycle continued until I reached the pocket where I put my bulky wallet (it didnt have much, the wallet itself was just bulky hence why it wasnt in my pocket). I froze from fear when I didnt feel the familiar leather square. I started to panic as I frantically jammed my hand into every corner of that pocket desperately hoping to feel that stupid leather square (totally safe considering I had a pair of scissors in that section of my backpack). I frantically kept searching turning my backpack inside out, dumping its contents on to the seat next to me (after checking to make sure the doors were locked from paranoia). It wasnt there. The very hard fact that this guy I decided to help out of pity and kindness had then robbed me. (Dont tell me I deserved it for helping a stranger, fucking sue me for trying to be kind in this god damn world.) The longer I sat there the more it pieced together, the way he acted, where he chose to sit, what he said, it all made sense. He took my wallet the second I took my eyes off him. Now this wallet, was a cheap 20 dollar Elder Scrolls Online Ouroboros wallet that I got from gamestop. It had my license, car insurance, student ID, 45 bucks, 3 debit cards, rewards cards from various places, and my library card. One of my first thoughts and feelings when it registered my wallet was gone, was that the wallet itself was gone. Ive had that wallet for years and being the unicorn being that I am, im strangely attached to things that ive had for a long while. It felt like a tiny piece of my soul had been ripped from me and left me. All of things in my wallet are replaceable (except the 45 bucks, lost money is lost money) although at my extreme inconvenience as I cant drive or buy shit or even use the bus system because my id let me use the buses. No im not terribly upset that my all of that was gone, Im upset I was stupid enough to be robbed and that I lost something of sentimental value to me. I feel powerless and at a loss. Im haunted by how powerless I was as he just took something of mine so easily despite the kindness I expressed. Thats the last time I will ever show kindness like that. The phrase "Guilty until proven innocent" has new meaning to me as well. Maybe I am overreacting, but I will never forget feeling powerless like that.

maybe you think its stupid, maybe you dont. Alot of stuff happened but the short run down is my dad really pissed me off and in turn i directed that anger at the first convenient target i could find which was my best friend over something ridiculous. I tried to say sorry but im not stupid and i know she wont see it, not for a few hours anyway. But it doesnt change what I did or what I feel now. I drove my best friend away from home and I dont even know if she’ll come home tonight (shes safe, as safe as a university library can be anyway). After she said she wasnt coming home, I seized up. I feel guilty about everything and I feel it so strongly that if its bad enough I turn into this insane person. That being said, its been a while since I felt guilty about anything. Seeing that text, the familiar feeling of intense guilt returned and came crashing back. I had something almost like tunnel vision. All I thought was why did I say all of that? whats wrong with me? I cant be trusted to speak at all. so I did the most logical thing at the time. I threw my phone at the wall, shut my laptop, and went to the nearly empty living room and sat there to cry. Earlier today, one of the bad memories ive repressed for so long came back to me with vivid clarity. That just made me remember all of the negative things that came with that memory and all of the self doubt that came from it. Maybe I shouldve took that as a sign. Sitting there in the living room, all of the negative feelings about myself reared its ugly head after what I thought was progress because I was slowly becoming more comfortable with myself. It feels like all of that was gone because I hurt someone i cared about which is something i told myself id never do. Yet here it is, it happened anyway. I cant stand myself, im shaking and i have the worst headache. 

So lately a friend of mine has been shutting everybody out and I feel frustrated. Everyone has some kind of motivating force, for me its my friends. Having my friends with me (as few as they may be) it gives me strength to keep going. As long as I have my friends, I can push on and I feel strong enough to keep going. But as soon as somebody leaves, I feel so broken down and worn out. Lately ive felt so broken down and worn out. Im so tired and I dont feel like I have very many things going for me. I feel more alone than ever. I have 3 friends. One is floating in and out and has pushed my persistence to a limit. Another recently told me he loved me but I dont feel the same way. We would have never worked. Im not willing to risk a friendship on a chance that something works out. Not when I barely have any friends as is. I need my friends to support me and losing one of them would cripple me in a way I cant imagine. I dont know. Im lost and I wish some heaven sent angel would show me the way.