#03182018

Funny how our love story started, right?

I had a crush on you years ago because I had a crush on everyone. Lucky for me that you also had the same feelings. But, not long enough, I lost interest in you when I found out that you had a serious crush with my best friend and my best friend had a crush on you, too. During that time, I really did not care at all because we were only on our 3rd grade and you just transferred in our school. So, life went on.

Fast forward when we entered high school. I remembered that during in our first year in high school, you wanted to court me because my best friend transferred in another school so you can’t court her anymore. I still had a little crush on you but I was not aware that a new love will grow (hello to my great love, my best friend). Maybe that was the time when I realized that no one would treat me seriously. I may ranked higher than my best friends academically, but in real life, I will always be everyone’s second choice. I will always be the “I chose you because we don’t have any choice left.” I accepted it. I accepted you but you stopped and I let you.

Second year. I put all my attention to my great love, who were my best friend that time. You told everyone that you were jealous with us even though nothing was happening between us. You said you still love me, and I did not believe you. You courted another girl. You left again. I supported you and I let you go... again.

Third year. New suitor came. I entertained him. Why? Because I know that he will be tired of me soon. I accepted long ago that no one will choose to stay with me. No one will choose me. I still had a strong  relationship with my guy best friend. You were there again. “Waiting for me.” No, I did not believe you this time and my instincts were right when a new girl came. Cycle. You left. I let you. Then the girl left you. You came back... I accepted you.

Fourth year. Last year in Junior High School. I dumped my suitor during my grade 9 days because he fucking took advantage of me. He fucking took advantage of my innocence. This was also the year when I finally admitted my feelings towards my guy best friend. But I was too afraid to let him know because I know that he will also leave me. This was the time when I was too afraid of people turning their backs on me. I was too afraid people leaving me. I was afraid to be alone. While I was too afraid confessing my love to my best friend, he fearlessly admit that he loved me, long ago. I did not accept the feelings and told him that we should remain friends and he accepted it. And you, Mon Amour, you patiently waited for me to see you as a man who will love me whole-heartedly. But I failed to see it. I was too afraid to trust you again because you never stayed with me for a long time. You did not leave this time. You waited for me, this time, it was real.

It was summer vacation when I was about to confess my feelings to my best friend when he told me that he loved someone else now. I blamed myself for falling hard for him. I cried. I was broken. And you were there, helping me fix my heart. You were putting the pieces of my heart back together. You still wait for me... I was now hoping that you will no longer leave.

I transferred in another school. Still broken, but I chose to live my life and I never chased my great love (Maybe, that was the thing I regretted the most). Many things had happened. I was finally seeing you as a man whom I can trust my heart with, because you waited for me for almost a year. You were there and  then, suddenly we lost in touch again. Abruptly, no communications at all. I was curious back then. But I let you. Maybe you were too busy with school as I was. Then that was when I heard that you wanted to court your new classmate. It pained me. I let you go... again.

Last year in Senior High School. I returned to where our love started. I went back to our school. During the summer vacation, you confessed again your love and I accepted it again without thinking that you broke my trust hundreds of times. When the school year started, we gave our love a chance. I gave you a chance. I accepted you and I did not know that loving you again will destroy everything I had.

A fucked up incident happened that made me lost everything I saved for. My trust, respect in myself. I lost myself too. Even my friends, I lost it all. I lost it all for trusting you and loving you. I fucked everything up for fighting for you because I believed that you were worth it. We were worth it. But no, you were not worth the fight.

I heard so much about you that I did not chose to believe. Even if you broke my trust many times, I still gave you a chance because I loved you. Maybe, that’s how love works. You will not accept the flaws of your significant other because it is hard to believe that he or she will do something bad to you. Or we just accept their flaws because it was part of their whole being. I was blinded by love. I was blinded by you.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved your flaws. I loved everything about you... I thought. I never thought that you will took advantage of me too.

Mon Amour, I am still putting my life back on its track. I am still building myself once more. You have destroyed too much that I don’t know where to start fixing it. Despite of you being an asshole, I still want to thank you. Thank you because you taught me how to be wise with people whom I trust or maybe, not to trust people at all. Thank you because you brought me back to my fearful self that will somehow help me not to get attached with people and fall for them. I still thank you. And I am sorry because I could not remember our happiest days. The memory that kept on replaying inside my head was that day. You taught me that everyone deserves to be loved. But not everyone is worth the fight and worth the trust. You made me realized that I deserve so much more. I don’t deserve someone like you. I deserve someone who will respect and love me, and most of all, someone who will not break my trust. I am too tired for being broken.

I put off eating dinner for over an hour bc i kept thinking about how I'd have to keep you from eating my food. And then remembering that you're not around to gently put a paw on the table even though you're not allowed.

Hey, my sweet baby. I still miss you. I went to work today and it was okay because i was away from the house. It feels like you're supposed to be around every corner, or curled up in every chair. There's a cat shaped void in my life, and it hurts.

I decided to dedicate my first novel to you. I know you can't read, and that the story doesn't have any cats in it, but you deserve it. You were there for the whole process. You came into my room and watched me while I wrote late into the night.

I love you so much. I know you know this, but I feel like I have to keep saying it. I don't want you to forget.