#031712

I've thought it over, could it be that I just miss the thought of you? Just your words and your presence..but not you? I was hoping it was that. But it isn't. I miss YOU. I miss us.

I miss the way you mocked anything that was funny. You'd follow along waiting for your favorite line and just laugh so hard your eyes would completely disappear. You'd grab your stomach and your eyes would water. Your smile was so wide it'd hurt after you were done. You have a wonderful smile, by the way.

I miss your voice. I miss the soft voice you had, the one I heard in the very beginning of the morning. the sound I heard when i picked up my phone at 5:30 every morning. I miss the voice I would hear when you just wake up, the tired but happy voice you had. I miss the happy voice and the one that always made jokes. The sweet voice, the caring voice, the worried voice. I even miss your angry voice. The one that fought with me. The one that was angry with me. I miss it all. But what I miss the most, is the sound of your voice when you tell me you love me.

I miss the feel of your hands. The way your fingers were so perfect for me. The way our fingers intertwined was a way no other could resemble. the way your arms held me tight whenever there was something frightening. How tightly you grasped my hands when you were mad at the world. How instantly you looked at me whenever my hands would grasp yours just a bit tight, cause you knew something was wrong. How your hands would slowly find it's way to hold my chin as you kissed me. How they clapped so loudly whenever you watched Kevin Hart. I just miss the butterflies your hands gave me when they touched mine.

I miss the taste of your lips. The very first touch. How I was completely hooked as you pulled away and I saw your eyes. I miss the soft touch. I miss the little half second kisses I'd get randomly int he hallway or how you'd do it just to shut me up. I miss the long anticipated kisses. The teasers. The cheek kisses. The long, passionate kisses. The make up kisses. I just miss YOUR kiss.

Looking out the window, and feeling the cold rush of this winter, I can only remember our plans for the winter that we made months ago. The Christmas movies marathon. Hot chocolate under the blankets.. Now all I'm left with are songs and a fantasy.

As I close my eyes, I imagine a cold Saturday in the middle of December. We're alone in your house at 8 in the morning. You always had a tendency to make me come over as early as possible whenever I was able to come over. You open the door with a bedhead and a smile. My heart is at ease as I see that sly stinky-breath smile of yours. I don't care what you may look like, but I still kiss you good morning.

As I wait for you to freshen up, I make a simple breakfast for both of us and sit in front of the T.V. I can hear you come down and hide next to the stairs to scare the crap out of you. Once you've come down, you catch me as I try to scare you and you end up scaring me. We laugh for a few seconds and finish the cereal, cause that's all I can make. You turn on Netflix and we sit under your cartoon-type blanket to watch Polar Express. You make hot chocolate and we just sit there enjoying the movie and the company of each other.

As the movie ends, you tell me there are chores to be done and so I should just play on the computer while you clean. I ask to help but you smile and gently kiss me on my forehead and lead me to your room, where the computer is. I sit there for the next hour lost in a daze of the cartoon I'm watching and I don't notice that you've been passing by multiple times just laughing at how childish i am for laughing at such a silly cartoon. You knew I could get a laugh from such the littlest things. I change the cartoon and drown myself in songs that we sent to each other and sway back and forth from the beat of the music. You hug me gently from behind while my eyes are closed and kiss my cheek. You then sit next to me and watch my cartoons with me. After a while we're both sleepy and the day was almost over at 7 at night. I guess we didn't realize how much time we took while messing around on the internet. Since I'm able to sleep over that night, we decide to just lay in bed for hours gazing at the eyes of our lover until we'd knock out. I can feel the calmness of your breath, but the nervousness in your heart when I lay my head on your chest and your arms go across my stomach. I can feel the smile on your face when you know I'm getting drowsy. And the best part is, there was no sexual tension. No craving for what people would do if they were given two days alone with their significant other. It was just, love.

That is my fantasy. That is what gets me through my sleep at night. Though I will never be able to have this, it makes me happy knowing You gave me a sense of protection at one point in time where I'm able to even come up with such a thing. I guess it's because we were once so close to having a day like this.. with the exception of your sisters. I still enjoyed every minute I had with you on those days. March 30th, April 6th, June 1st, June 16th, July 28th, October 12th. Those days that I was over, time didn't matter. People didn't matter. Only you did. Actually, wherever we went, I couldn't take my eyes off anyone but you. I was and still am mesmerized by your eyes. They look ordinary to everyone else, but to me, they're special. I can always see a light twinkle in them. The chink would show when you're especially happy. I saw that spark the day you told me you loved me just as much as i'd love you. I miss you. Can this not be a fantasy anymore?

Watching movies and dramas, it suddenly hit me. Have I ever cried to you about something that wasn't even related to our relationship? I did. once.

I always had a shoulder. It didn't matter whose. I just always had a shoulder to cry on. But throughout all the years I've liked you, i never once thought about ever having your shoulder to cry on. But one day, I did.

That one night back in the summer, you probably don' remember, and for a few months now, I guess I forgot too. But now I do remember. It was problems with my family. I called my bestfriend, but she didn't know what to do, how to really help me, and I told her how much I needed you at the moment but I didn't want to bother you with my silliness. Immediately, she hung up. I suddenly felt so alone and scared I crawled into a little corner and just bursted into tears, I guess that problem with my brother really got to me. I guess I really got mad. But suddenly, my phone vibrated and it was you... You were gone for hours, what made you suddenly come back? It was my friend. She told you I was crying. You freaked out and called me as soon as you could, which was about 2 minutes after she hung up. You spoke to me in a scared voice, a shaky and soft, but caring voice. Asking me, "Baby are you alright? Baby. I'm here for you. I always will be. " I continued to cry loudly as you just kept telling me things would be alright. I slowly started to calm down to your voice as you made jokes and tried to keep me calm. I really don't remember what I was so upset about, I only remember it was family problems. But that really isn't the point. Remembering your voice as you spoke to me that night, the sound of your tender words telling me things will be okay. I believed you, I finally cracked and laughed at your silliness telling me to just go eat a popsicle. You knew they were my favorite snack in the whole world. Strawberry popsicles. I remember you used to bring me one every morning and laugh at how I eat it and apparently how happy i looked eating it. You knew a lot about me. You... You KNOW a lot about me.

I never thought I'd lose the strongest, yet softest shoulder I ever got. Yours was the mightiest, the strongest, the softest and most loving shoulder I ever got the chance to cry on when I needed to. You were my rock. The superman in my life. You were always there when times were rough..

Well, guess what? Things are rough now. Maybe not for you, but it's been hell for me. It's hard not having your shoulder.. I reject the other shoulders given to me simply because it's a fake. It's not a real shoulder that genuinely cares. Maybe one..maybe 2 or 3. but the rest? Nothing. What about the real ones that ARE here? They can't physically come and hold me like you could. They can't comfort me the way you could. The satisfaction is nothing compared to the sound of your heartbeat when mine is going crazy from anger. Strange it may sound? Well, it's the truth. 

Those times you would have to hold me back because I would've went off on someone, those times you had to hold my hand and tell me to calm down, then laugh at me for getting mad over a petty little problem. You'd make a joke and call me crazy. Crazy.. To that I'd always respond "Crazy? Only for you." That would make you stop talking. you'd stop mid sentence and blush like crazy. 

Remember those times I'd be so smooth with words you'd go speechless and blush? Those times you'd smile so widely I could see the pouring love in your eyes? I loved those moments. I cherish them until today. That time you said I was beautiful, and I said it was all because of you. You didn't believe me until I said, "My beauty comes from the happiness you give me." You stopped. You went speechless. But you didn't quite understand. Do you remember what I told you? "Well, you said I'm beautiful when I laugh and smile. But what reason do I have to smile besides you? You are the reason for my laughter. So you are the reason for my beauty." That stunned you. I was stunned myself. I didn't know I could come up with an explanation like that until I realized, the most unexpected words that come out from your own mouth are the words your heart is dying to speak.

Just this morning, people ask me if I'm alright now, of course I said yes, but then. I stopped. Looked them in the eye, and said, "His happiness creates the mood I am in." That just surprised me. What did I just say? It was once again, words my heart wanted to say. Your happiness really does make me happy. But it also destroys me. Knowing that that smile was not because of me. It kills me.