#02220

I was supposed to be over this

I’m not mad

I promise I’m not mad at you

I can’t promise I’m not mad at myself

I am

I really am defective

And foolish

Nothing is working

Nothing is going right

It’s all going to blow up in my face

Help me out of this

Please

I’m scared

I’m sad

I’m trapped

It’s probably something abstract, or something that I don’t really think about, so I could never imagine it being my worst fear.

I can’t even consult my nightmares for insight, because I’ve never had those.

Recently I’ve been thinking that I’m afraid of being a bad person. I’m not sure if it’s my greatest fear, but it’s definitely a powerful anxiety.

I sometimes wish I would encounter a supernatural being that shows you the thing you are most afraid of, just so I could finally know.

The world is scary, but I’m not afraid. I’m anxious. There’s a difference.

I want to receive all yours too

I just wish I could say that I want to protect you and keep you safe

Don’t get me wrong, I do

But wanting to isn’t enough

I don’t think I can

I wish I could say “one day I’ll hold you, and keep you warm. I’ll be your knight.”

But I can’t. I don’t know how.

I’m so scared that I’m not good enough

That you need something that I can’t give

It’s possible that I have it in me, and I don’t know it yet

But it’s just as likely that I’m right about myself

That I’m not a protector no matter how protective I feel

I want to hold you close, but because I like to give hugs, not because I want you feeling safe in my arms.

I do want that, but it’s not who I am

I want to be held and protected, to be the one kept safe

But... what if that’s what you need from me?

What happens then?

I’m so scared, love.

Because I want to be your everything, but I’m not ready for the responsibility

Of what it may mean for us if it’s different than we thought

Of loving myself so that I can love you

I don’t know how to do this, I’ve never done this before

What if it falls apart when we finally get to have one another?

What if you don’t need me the same?

That’s how it feels anyway

I don’t want to be what I am, ho I am, or where I am.

It’s not good enough.