#02102022

My life has lost its sense

It's been only a few days since he moved to Paris and each day we talk less and less. He says he has too much stuff to do and I

haven't heard his voice for this whole time.

I felt so alone on the Friday night, that, after trying to call him countless times, I suddenly decided to end

it all

I am very sick on the head and I know it but I never thought I'd get that bad.

I woke up the next day feeling absolutely nothing. I am still not sure if I should go to the hospital.

He has no idea about this and I'm never going to tell him. I haven't messaged him since Friday and he seems like he doesn't care, ignoring my countless calls and messages

I will be visiting Paris in November

I have never loved you more than now, and I don’t know if I ever will. But whatever is coming, please just know that it was real. I was here and I did love you. Even if it will be lost again someday, no matter how ephemeral all of our moments, this is my evidence of having experienced being of value. I was here. I have lived through everything up until now. I have loved [myself]. I have learned to be better [not only for myself]. If I don’t let anyone take this from me, no one can. I want to believe no one can. I have to.

My only remaining fear is forgetting my own value. My only remaining fear is that I’ll one day forget to love myself again.

My only fear is that I’ll abandon myself [again].

I have a photo shoot tomorrow.

I'm going to be on the cover of "I thought I bought a package of razors a week ago and I spent an hour looking for where I might have thrown them and I couldn't find them. Did I put them back before I left the store?" Magazine.

"yes I

Will drive very safe.

I promise to keep

My eye on the road at all times

No I

Cannot stop

And take back your jeans

Maybe saturday