#-chris

i've always wondered what happens after we die. is there a destination? is there an afterlife? do we go to heaven or hell? yet not once have i ever wondered what makes us dead. in a literal sense, death is the "the irreversible cessation of all biological functions that sustain a living organism" death is when life ceases, when we stop breathing, when our hearts stop pumping warm blood, when the pulsing in my eyes, temples, and neck., a sensation that i'm always thankful for after standing up too fast, or smoking too much weed, falls into a deep slumber.

but what makes that our end? what makes that the end? our vessel is put to sleep, to rest, we redispurse our energy to maggots, flies, trees, and flowers. energy cannot be created nor destroyed, it can only change forms.

our physical powerhouse is within. blood pumps rhythmically from the heart to the veins, held together in small flimsy tubes. to the vessels. energy cannot be created nor destroyed, it can only change forms. we are vessels, we harbor nutrients, milk is provided to babies using our energy. we feel love and joy by using our energy. we ache when we're too sad. being sad uses energy, even when laying in bed sulking for hours, days, and weeks without moving from that same spot. energy cannot be created nor destroyed, it can only change forms. when we cease to exist, we dont move from that same spot. we hold a final position, a resting point. the only ways we move is through others creating motions for us, holding us with their fingers clamped down. energy cannot be created nor destroyed, it can only change forms. when we cease to exist, do we seize to exist? we can't communicate with the "dead" efficiently, does that really mean they're gone? ive been estranged from my family for almost a decade, are they considered dead? who determines that? are all parts of me gone forever?

energy cannot be created nor destroyed, it can only change forms.

when i was young and learning about god, higher beings, i was fortunate enough to be able to choose what god i believe in, if any at all. something to devote myself to, something to thank when i find my favorite guitar pick inside the pocket of my jeans that ran through a full spin cycle. someone to smile up to when there's no traffic in the local lanes on highways. i was 7 years old and sitting in the car when i first found that weird. that someone above me is the ruler of life, i should be thankful for what i've been given. and a ruler of death, to point a finger at and yell at when someone dies., that "it was you who did this!" i was also 7 years old when i began to develop major depressive disorder, something i got diagnosed with 8 years after after i tried ceasing my life. i tried seizing my life.

energy cannot be created nor destroyed, it can only change forms. we're never really dead. death is more than a beginning and an end. life is more than a start and a finish. how can there be a right or wrong way to live. there really isnt.

energy cannot be created nor destroyed, it can only change forms.

maybe we existed longer than we think. maybe there isnt just a philosophical existence, maybe we got too smart. maybe the denisovans advanced too quickly. maybe im too tired. energy cannot be created nor destroyed, it can only change forms.