jay (cranky guy who usually posts here now) has been doing a lot of reflecting about us kid parts this week
thing is, we know he's a good guy. we know he takes very good care of all of us. we know he's smart and tough and just so...capable
and we also know, to be all of those things, he has to keep us at arms length. he will give us time and space to exist, but he has to remove himself to do it
because of that, we don't get the benefits of eachother
he doesn't get to relax and feel rested and...soft(?)
and we don't get to know what it's like to look at obstacles and go "yeah, I can handle that"
and we know the answer is to try to mesh ourselves together a little more, but it's so so so so terrifying when so much rides on us being functional how we are right now. work and home are finally good, just tiring bc jay is handling everything still
changing the status quo is so scary
and once again I wish I could look at the scary thing and go "yeah, I can handle that" ...but all I feel is scared