can’t dare to dream about you anymore
my fic for wlw renegades week day one! it’s technically a day late, and not exactly childhood friends to lovers, but it’s close enough :)
Ruby wanted to scream. Danna had been avoiding her for days, always finding some excuse to leave the room the second Ruby entered, ignoring her calls, leaving her texts on read.
She sank back onto her bed, racking her brain for anything she could have done to make Danna mad at her. Tears welled in her eyes. Danna was her best friend, her solace from her family, someone she could always talk to. Nothing scared Ruby more than the thought of losing her.
A photo was clenched in her hand, one from the last time they were together. Danna had invited her out to the movies, and Ruby, thinking it was a group thing, that Oscar and Adrian would be coming, had cheerfully agreed, commenting on Oscar’s genius for sneaking snacks into theatres. Danna’s face had fallen, although only for a moment. Ruby had an old camera from before the Age of Anarchy, and she brought it with her everywhere. It was mostly filled with blurry selfies of her and Danna, from their various escapades. She brushed her fingers over the photo. It was wrinkled from being in her bag. Her fingers ghosted over Danna’s smiling face, and she could hear the echo of her laughter and feel the softness of her skin as their cheeks pressed together, feel the burning of her cheeks as she smiled, delirious from joy.
She sighed, pulling up her wristband to once again stare at the word that plagued her to no end.
read.
It had been 4 days, and Danna had spoken 4 words to her.
4 words.
4 words that repeated over and over and over in her brain.
“Sorry, Ruby, gotta go!”
Danna never called her Ruby. Not even at work. It was always Rue, Red, Red Assassin, anything but her name. That may have been what stung the most. The formality.
It wouldn’t have hurt so bad if Danna hadn’t been so obviously avoiding her. 4 days wouldn’t be so bad if Danna had at least looked at her, maybe offering an apologetic smile or wave. Crime had grown recently in Gatlon, and they were all busy, especially the Renegades that specialized in surveillance, like Danna.
It wouldn’t have hurt so bad if Ruby wasn’t 87% sure that she was in love with Danna. She’d always liked her, as more than a friend. She’d been fascinated with Danna since the second she saw her emerge from her swarm at the Renegade trials, and her heart had fluttered when Danna smiled at her from her table, giving her a thumbs up before Ruby started her trial. Her dimples gave Ruby butterflies, and the way that she could always make Ruby laugh had her falling faster than she’d thought was possible. She’d never told Danna any of this, not even that she was bisexual. She’d been interested in Danna since before they’d been formally introduced, and had always secretly hoped that one day, they could be more than friends.
But no, Danna stiffened whenever Ruby entered a room and immediately rushed out, not even offering an excuse, not even looking at Ruby.
Would things ever be the same?
She could handle being alone, but only if she had Danna. Even surrounded by her family and other friends, she didn’t know what she would do without her. Her presence was so comforting, so normal, that it was surely something she couldn’t live without. Even if they were just friends.
read.
“Sorry, Ruby, gotta go!”
read.
Ruby.
read.
gotta go.
Ruby.
read.
The words swirled through her head in a never-ending spiral, as tears began to spill over, streaming down her cheeks. She buried her head in her pillow, letting her tears soak the fabric as she clenched the photograph in her hand, threatening to crumple it. She wasn’t even mad anymore. Betrayed, yes. Confused, definitely. But mostly, she just wanted, she just needed to know what was going on.
A wave of determination swept through her. If Danna wasn’t going to come to her, then Ruby would go to her and make Danna talk to her.
Danna felt horrible. She missed Ruby, but how else was she supposed to cope with being in love with her best friend other than cutting herself off until the feeling went away? Ruby didn’t want her. Ruby liked Oscar. Not her.
She had been ready to confess when she invited Ruby to the movies, but Ruby brought Oscar along, and by association, Adrian. They sat next to each other during the movie, laughing and sharing snacks like always, but the whole time Danna was acutely conscious of Oscar sitting next to Ruby and how much she wished he wasn’t there. She found herself imagining herself on a date with Ruby, settling her head on her shoulder, holding her hand.
She held up the picture Ruby had given her, from before the movie started. She smiled softly at the radiant look on Ruby’s face and traced her fingers over her hair. Those black and white pigtails haunted her, both day and night.
Danna sighed, letting the photograph fall from her hand.
She hated being in love.
No, she hated being in love with her best friend. Her beautiful, funny, kind, very straight best friend.
The one person she couldn’t have.
At least, she was pretty sure Ruby was straight.
She opened her phone, habitually opening up her text conversation with Ruby, but closed it when she remembered that she couldn’t talk to her, for more than one reason. Ruby would be furious with her for ignoring her this long, but each time she talked to her she fell more in love. She let her phone fall back onto her bedspread and closed her eyes.
Danna must have drifted off to sleep because she was woken, an unknown amount of time later, by her bedroom door slamming open. Danna sat up, rubbing her eyes, squinting through her confusion at a figure in her doorway. Her heart fluttered at the sight of Ruby’s choppy black and white hair but sank the moment she saw her expression and remembered why she was avoiding her.
“WHAT THE HELL, DANNA! I thought we were friends.”
“Ruby-”
“You never call me Ruby. Ever. You’re not answering my texts, you sprint out of the room the second I enter, you ignore my calls.”
“Rue-”
“No. You don’t get to call me that anymore. I swear it’s like we’re not even friends anymore. We’ve never gone more than a day without talking, and no more than two without seeing each other. Please, Danna, just tell me what’s going on.” Her voice had turned from angry to desperate and her eyes were pleading.
“It’s nothing.” She couldn’t tell her. Not like this, and perhaps not ever. It would ruin everything and that was the last thing she wanted. “Things have just been crazy, it doesn’t really matter. Surveilance. Renegade stuff.”
“Danna, if you think I’m letting you get off with ‘things have been crazy,’ you’ve lost it. Just tell me, Danna, it won’t change anything. Please. I miss you.”
“It would change everything. And I don’t want things to change. I’ll get over it and everything will be the same it always has been.”
“Tell me.”
“I don’t want to lose you, Ruby.”
“You won’t lose me. I’m stuck with you whether you like it or not and I’m not going anywhere no matter how hard you try to get rid of me, but if you keep this up we might be over.” Ruby was glaring at her, breathing heavily.
“I can’t-”
“Just tell me!” Ruby shouted. “I swear to all the fucking gods, Danna, it can’t be that bad. If you’re going to keep ignoring me like this, just tell me why! I just need to know why. Did I do something? Is it-”
Something inside of Danna snapped. “It’s because I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU, Ruby!”
Ruby gasped. Through all their years of friendship, Danna had never seen her so surprised. Ruby’s hand was covering her mouth, eyes wide.
Danna closed her eyes, her head tilted to the floor, unable to look at Ruby for fear of rejection.
“Danna?”
“I know. I know Oscar likes you and you like him and I thought if I distanced myself it would go away but it just made it worse and I’m sorry, I don’t want to ruin anything and I think I’ll just go work out my feelings and we can be friends like we always have been.” She moved to leave, and her hand was on the doorknob when Ruby called out.
“Danna, wait.”
Danna took a deep breath and turned around, meeting Ruby’s eyes with great difficulty. It wasn’t like she had anywhere to go, anyway. They were in her apartment.
She expected to see pity or disgust when she looked at Ruby. She was met only with hope.
“I don’t like Oscar.”
Danna blinked.
“Not like that, I mean. I like him, but-” Her cheeks were red and her eyes wistful. “I like you too. I love you.”
It was Danna’s turn to be surprised. “But, you- you never wanted to go out with me. Alone, that is. You always talked about Oscar and bringing him along.”
Ruby laughed. “Danna, was that your way of asking me out? I thought you meant as a group! With the whole team?”
“I thought I was clear,” Danna laughed.
“The thought crossed my mind once, but I thought you liked that girl from HQ? The one that’s always in the training hall on Tuesdays?”
“She has a boyfriend. Plus, she isn’t you.” She smiled shyly at Ruby.
Ruby cheeks flushed. She stood, walking slowly over to Danna.
“Can I kiss you?”
Danna’s breaths quickened. She’d been dreaming of this day for months, imagining every possible scenario in a thousand different ways. She could only nod.
Ruby cupped her cheek, slowly brushing her lips against Danna’s.
Danna sighed into the kiss, and Ruby kissed her harder. Her hands found their way into Ruby’s hair, the strands slipping through her fingers. Kissing Ruby was something that she never wanted to get used to.
Every one of Danna’s movements gave Ruby butterflies. And when she sighed… oh. If Ruby hadn’t been in love before, she was now. Danna’s hand in her hair, her lips against Ruby’s… This was the moment she’d been waiting her entire life for. Danna had been right. Nothing would ever be the same again, but she didn’t want it to be. She just wanted to stay here, with Danna, holding her close. She pulled away, their faces just centimeters apart. Danna’s breath fanned across her face, all sweetness and serenity.
“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted that,” Danna whispered, her cheeks flushed.
“I think I do.” Ruby kissed her cheek. “How long?”
“Since I first saw you at trials. You?”
“The first time you emerged out of your swarm. Skies, Danna, do you know how fucking beautiful you are?”
“Was that-”
“Yes, it was the day of the trials,” She playfully shoved at Danna. “We’ve been pining since the same day.”
“We got there in the end.” Danna laced her fingers through Ruby’s. “Should we break the news to the others?”
Ruby laughed, pulling her through the door. “When you tried to leave earlier, did you forget we’re in your apartment? Where would you go?”
Danna rolled her eyes. “I don’t think I’d have known where I was going even if I had left. I thought I’d just ruined our friendship. ”
“Well,” Ruby began. “I, for one, am very glad you did.”
