#*800

phil

somehow gets hit in the face with a ball at every single sports game 

has his fly unzipped while meeting his child's first significant other and is the only one who doesn’t notice

tries to impress houseguests by making the family dog do cool tricks (but all the dog ever does is flop onto its back)

accidentally makes like three horrible innuendos at parent-teacher night

tries to help with school projects but is eventually banned from doing so after burning himself too many times with the hot glue gun

insists on getting matching family holiday sweaters every year and wearing them for the christmas card photo

dan 

cries more than the kid does on their first day of preschool 

makes them hold his hand to cross the street until they're like 12 

packs weird organic vegan snacks in their lunchbox

tries to appear cool and hip in front of the kid’s friends by using memes and internet slang from like 15 years ago

is overwhelmingly proud and makes way too big of a deal every time his child wins so much as a participation ribbon