#*55

Ten Day’s Wonder (La Décade prodigieuse) [d: Claude Chabrol, 1971]

Character: Theo Van Horn

Nose: Fake 

Colour film is not as forgiving of nose putty as black and white, Orson, but it’s ok, he’s reunited with Tony Perkins (again). This is Orson’s own beard, which will be a staple of the 1970s.

~

Necromancy [d: Bert I Gordon, 1972]

Character: Mr Cato

Nose: Fake

This film is available on dvd, whereas some Orson films (and indeed some classics of cinema) are not. There is no justice in the world. 

Also: this marks the end of the fake noses. I think Orson was finally at the point where he didn’t feel the need to age himself up (he was nearly sixty, after all). Or possibly he just couldn’t be arsed any more. 

~

Get To Know Your Rabbit [d: Brian de Palma, 1972]

Character: Mr Delasandro

Nose: Real

Orson is another magician (yay!) teaching a tap-dancing newbie magician (whut?) in a film that de Palma (up til then a comedy film maker) was kicked off before the end. Hmm.

~

Treasure Island [d: John Hough, 1972]

Character: Long John Silver

Nose: Real

Fun fact: the script was originally written by Orson in the 60s, but by the time this was filmed, it had been rewritten so much Orson asked to be credited pseudonymously as O.W. Jeeves. 

~

F for Fake [d: Orson Welles, 1974]

Character: HIMSELF

Nose: Real

Dear god it is a relief to have not just a great Orson performance but a joy of an Orson-directed film. Is there any greater line delivery than ‘for the last seventeen minutes I’ve been lying my head off’?

~

Voyage of the Damned [d: Stuart Rosenberg, 1976]

Character: Raoul Estedes

Nose: Real

The nose (and beard and hair) are real, but the eyebrows are disturbingly tiny. 

~

The Muppet Movie [d: James Frawley, 1979]

Character: Lew Lord

Nose: Real

One of Orson’s shortest and best cameos, in a film that is the opposite of rubbish (although it’s not my fave Muppet film, that’s The Great Muppet Caper, shout out to Charles Grodin for being fucking amazing in it).

~

The Secret of Nikolai Tesla [d: Krsto Papic, 1980]

Character: J.P. Morgan

Nose: Real

Orson’s final real-person film role, in a Yugoslavian film about Tesla. He gets to sit in a fancy chair (can you tell I have not watched this film properly, give me a break, the eighties are hard work). 

~

Butterfly [d: Matt Cimber, 1982]

Character: Judge Rauch

Nose: Real

Excellent hair work from Orson here. This film got ten nominations at the ‘82 Razzies. I leave you to decide if it’s worth watching.

~

Where is Parsifal? [d: Henri Helman, 1984]

Character: Klingsor

Nose: Real

This is all I have, apart from the fact that this film also stars Tony Curtis and Donald Pleasence, has never had a vhs or dvd release, and Orson plays a gypsy. Yeah. 

~

Hot Money [d: Zale Magder, 1985]

Character: Sheriff Paisley

Nose: Real

I don’t even have anything to say apart from that is an authentic 80s glasses choice there, Orson. 

~

Someone To Love [d: Henry Jaglom, 1987]

Character: Danny’s Friend

Nose: Real

Posthumously released, and never mentioned (how many times have you heard that Orson’s last role was in The Transformers Movie? - this was produced before but released after that). It’s not a great swan song, but then, Orson was always going on to the next thing, and was also never one to be precious about these things. All these last films were making him money so he could make another film (or finish The Other Side of the Wind, or get another start on Quixote). 

SO! The 70s and 80s total is real 13 : 4 fake bringing the grand total up to real 35 : 35 fake NO FUCKING WAY IT’S A DRAW! I did not expect that. 

At the time he made his wild claim he was at real 11 : 10 fake which was far more representative than I thought it would be of the total. 

WOW. It’s finally the end. It’s been a joy, a trial, a moving and frustrating experience. I’ve watched films I wouldn’t have watched, I’ve scrolled through films I will never watch, and I still - after all this - fucking love Orson like no-one else. 

And now I can go back and start again with my faves.