#**lawandorder

because not only is it super disgusting when they invent fake sexual assaults against super thinly veiled analogs for real women who aren’t publicly survivors of sexual assault (like last week’s disgusting “what if BEYONCE got raped?” episode, which, like, what the FUCK svu WHAT THE FUCK WHO GREENLIGHTS THIS SHIT ANYMORE WHAT HAPPENED, MARISKA???) but also

what the fuck in general

this show is not capable of handling islamophobia or antisemitism with nuance

what the actual fuck

everything about this premise is what the fuck

and i know, given that i’m only five minutes in and already angry because they’ve said the k-word twice and are Whataboutisraeling as the plotline, that it’ll turn out to be A TWIST: IT WAS [some other group here] but like

THAT DOESN’T MAKE IT BETTER, THAT MAKES BOTH JEWISH PEOPLE AND MUSLIM PEOPLE AND ALL RAPE SURVIVORS LOOK WORSE. agjadkgakdgandtnwntwgnandgmdgmadgm

i have hated every episode of SVU since season 12 when they entire writers’ room decided to flip hard-right and push the narrative that the rapists are the real victims in this country and that rape is titillating, or whatever, but like

what the fuck

ANYWAY.

V. AIMMYARROWSHIGH’S CRITERIA FOR HALLOWEEN EPISODES

Does the Halloween element combine convincingly with the usual universe of the show (ex: Lizzie McGuire 2x09 “Those Freaky McGuires” is not good as a Halloween episode because it changes the rules of the Lizzie McGuire universe, whereas Community 2x06 “Epidemiology” is a GREAT Halloween episode because it manages to logically introduce zombies to the regular Community universe)?

Does the Halloween element advance the plot of the episode/series (ex: the reason Boy Meets World 5x17 “And Then There Was Shawn” is literally the best Halloween episode ever made is that it uses the horror movie tropes it satirizes to provide a CRUCIAL turning-point to the plot of the show)?

Is the Halloween episode in the forefront enough that it’s clearly a holiday episode (ex: HAVING ONE JACK-O’LANTERN ON A DESK DOES NOT A HALLOWEEN SPECIAL MAKE, LAW & ORDER 16x03 “GHOSTS”! You gotta go ALL-IN, like Bob’s Burgers 3x02 “Full Bars”!)?

Does the Halloween theme balance well between spooky and warm-n-fuzzy (ex: Criminal Minds 11x21 “Mr. Scratch” is too fucking bleak, but Criminal Minds 12x06 “Elliott’s Pond” has a joyous/celebratory tone to the ending despite being a genuinely scary episode)?

Is it generally a well-written, acted, and designed episode of television (ex: Saved by the Bell! 3x26 “Mystery Weekend” is seriously, not exaggerating, the worst thing I’ve ever watched in my life; Psych 1x15 “Scary Sherry, Or Bianca’s Toast” is a triumph of the medium)?

So. That said, of the B99 Halloween episodes:

Brooklyn Nine-Nine 1x06 “Halloween”

Yes, the show takes place in its usual universe, but turned up to 11 on the hijinx. It was the first episode that let Andy Samberg run wild with broad comedy and it works.

Yes, the Halloween element helps to continue developing the relationship between Jake and Holt, although it isn’t as successful as other S1 episodes here (like “Old School,” a few episodes later).

Yes, it’s arguably the most Halloweeny of the B99 Halloween eps.

Yes, when is B99 NOT warm-and-fuzzy? There’s no spookiness here, though.

Yes, of course.

VERDICT: A good one, but not the BEST one.

Brooklyn Nine-Nine 2x04 “Halloween II”

Yes, same as above, but with the whole cast given the latitude usually reserved for Samberg -- it was awesome to see Rosa get in on the fun, and knowing from Stephanie Beatriz’s comedy that she felt comfortable, supported, and not exploited in her costume makes it all the better.

Yes, I actually think this episode does more for the Jake+Holt relationship than S1′s because it lets Holt be more fully-rounded as a character. The fact that the whole squad are on his side is awesome.

Yes, it’s slightly less Halloweeny but still obviously very Halloweeny.

(See above)

(See above)

VERDICT: This is the best one, IMO.

Brooklyn Nine-Nine 3x05 “Halloween III”

YES, AMY! The show is able to build on the previous two seasons’ Halloween episodes to entrench the “Halloween Heist” into the culture of the ‘99, and that makes it totally convincing that Amy would act the way she does.

Yes, and I like that this episode is finally less about Jake+Holt and more about Amy’s relationship with both of them, together as male colleagues AND separately as her boyfriend and her boss, respectively. Since Jake/Amy makes Amy a bigger character in S3 than she was even as the female lead in S1-2, “Halloween III” is an important episode for making it clear that the writers know she has to stand on her own as a character outside of her relationships with Jake and Holt.

(See above for the next three)

VERDICT: Depending on how much you like Jake/Amy, this is probably a tie with S1. Still a little less delightful overall than S2, in part because of the cold open, IMO.

Brooklyn Nine-Nine 4x05 “Halloween IV”

This one is a little bit too broad in its zany comedy, IMO? It kind of throws out the entire idea that it takes place in a police station and is less “believable” than the previous three.

Unlike the previous three Halloween episodes, this one doesn’t build any relationships. I would say that it helps to build Charles+Holt, but IMO it isn’t as strong as their squash team-up or their failed cooking lessons in that regard. ALTHOUGH I LOVE EVERY MOMENT OF ROSA+AMY AND THEIR BEING THE BABY-SITTERS’ CLUBS GIVES ME SO MUCH JOY.

(See above for the next three)

VERDICT: This is the weakest yet of the Halloween episodes, but to be totally frank, I’m not as big a Gina fan as I am of the rest of the B99 characters, but it does get a +5 for having Cheddar. Cheddar always makes an episode better.

Brooklyn Nine-Nine 5x04 “HalloVeen”

Honestly, this is the least Halloweeny of their Halloween episodes -- it pays off in the ending, but it ramps up to it so stealthily that it never feels like a “Halloween Heist” episode. After four, that might be a welcome change to some viewers, but it kind of makes the heist element feel more random and less holiday-specific.

This is a seminal episode for the series, but I’m not going to spoil why in case you haven’t seen it.

HOWEVER, although that seminal moment *involves* the Halloween Heist, it doesn’t at all feel like a Halloween episode -- Jake only wears a costume momentarily, as “Ofamy,” and no one else wears a costume at all (except ::grits teeth:: Bill.) It could just as easily have been Jimmyjabs II as Halloween V, tbh.

THE FUZZIEST, THOUGH.

Andy Samberg’s acting impresses me more in this episode than it ever has, and it has Cheddar, but I think Terry and Rosa have been really neglected this season and it doesn’t feel different in this episode, either. I also do question why they put the Big Moment into the Halloween Heist if it wasn’t going to be Halloweenish? Like, make 5x05 another Jake-and-Amy-are-competing-about-something-like-their-first-date-episode kinda thing and let one of the more secondary characters get a bite at the Heist apple -- Gina’s gotten to win and Rosa hasn’t? Really??

VERDICT: As a HALLOWEEN EPISODE, this isn’t very strong, but as a SITCOM EPISODE IN GENERAL, it’s a very sweet and good one.

And like...

I mean law & order svu. Lol sorry there’s multiple

AW MAN, NO, LISTEN: REGULAR, OLD-SCHOOL, TENTPOLE LAW & ORDER IS PRRROBABLY MY ACTUAL FAVORITE SHOW, not because I actually PREFER it to other shows, but because I am secretly 87 years old and afraid of everything and Briscoe & Green solving crimes Soothes Me in a very strange way, and also, it was the Original, and it wasn’t the fetishistic gore-fest of crime dramas these days. Also the early-early seasons are SO NINETIES IT’S EMBARRASSING and I love it, and I love the gross-great melange that is TV’s version of New York City In The Early ‘90s. Also seeing literally every star that exists in their very first role as some dead body or witness or something is kinda delightful.

BUT CRIMINAL INTENT STARTED TERRIBLE, AND REMAINED TERRIBLE, AND EAMES AND WHATSTHEIRFACE HAD NO CHEMISTRY, AND I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW THEY DO LAW & ORDER WITHOUT THE ORDER PART????

And SVU. So, when I was in undergrad, after my attack, the (frankly hack) college therapist suggested that since we only got six channels anyway and one of them was “all SVU all the time” TBS, I might get some satisfaction from watching a version of the world where, you know, rapists are caught and sentenced and people have empathy for victims. And I did. I was obsessed with SVU for a few years in there because Benson & Stabler were just so GOOD. They wanted to do good, and they DID do good, and it was so nice.

And now, honestly, more often than not I feel like the show’s moral is “the rapist is the REAL victim in this not-a-crime!!” and it makes me nauseous. It’s a disgusting MRA-fueled exploitationfest now and I fucking hate it, and I want to ask Mariska how the hell she gets these scripts and is like, “yes, these are words I will say as a human woman and thoughts that Olivia Benson would have.” Like. The fuck. THE FUCK THOUGH.