#(ve)

the audacity of this man, you think, as you stare at your phone. the blue cursor blinks at you as you think of how you could possibly respond to that. your fingers trail over the keyboard and you begin to type a lengthy paragraph pouring your heart out to him, but halfway through, you picture the faces of your friends when you tell them that you let him get to you, and you erase the message.

three blinking dots appear on the screen.

don't respond [11:37pm]: please don't respond [11:37pm]: just take a break you [11:37pm]: can't. i just started. you [11:37pm]: due date coming up. don't respond [11:38pm]: i want to see you don't respond [11:38pm]: please don't respond [11:38pm]: i just want to talk don't respond [11:38pm]: give me five minutes

you lock your phone and fling it somewhere on the desk. your roommate is gone tonight. you remember her mentioning something about her study group pulling an all-nighter in the library. you could go see him and come back and no one would know. you shake the thought out of your head and pick up your phone. you skim through the texts once more before dropping your phone again.

your mind is racing, racking up reasons why you should not go see him tonight. off the top of your head, you know that the paper on gothic architecture that you are currently struggling to write is due in two days. in the two hours that you have been sitting at your desk, you have managed to scrounge up a barely intelligible page and a half of what should be a five-page essay.

additionally, you have a brunch date with your friends tomorrow. not only would they be extremely disappointed in you if you told them that you broke your no contact with the person saved as 'don't respond' in your phone, but they are also always on your ass about being late. you promised them that last time was the last time you would show up over fifteen minutes after the proposed meeting time.

and most importantly, in the depths of your heart, you know that seeing kai tonight is a really, really, gloriously bad idea.

but even with all the reasons you come up with, you still find yourself on his doorstep half an hour later. you stuff your hands in the pockets of your hoodie to protect yourself from the cold autumn air as you wait for him. your foot taps against the littered concrete slab. the front door isn't doing anything to keep you from hearing bits of the scene unfolding inside. a football game is playing on the TV, but you cannot hear anyone watching, all you hear is the sound of someone's loud footsteps skipping down the stairs.

seconds pass and the door slowly cracks open to reveal kai standing in the doorway, his classic common-sense-deteriorating smirk plastered on his face. he opens the door wider to allow you in. "thank you for coming," he says, as you slide through past him.

kai is so sweet and so charming. you learned this from just the first conversation you had with him. to every word that dripped from his lips like honey, you found yourself nodding along, completely and absolutely mesmerized. it is no surprise that you didn't put up much of a fight when he suggested that the two of you go up to his room to talk, even though the house was practically empty.

you step out of the musty hallway of his frat house and into his room. the general neatness of his bedroom you attribute to his younger roommate, who is studying at his desk when you enter the room.

"hey," kai says to his roommate. the sophomore looks up to kai pointing at the door. he opens his mouth to protest, but when kai gives him a look, he shuts it immediately. the boy rushes to gather his books and scurries out of the room, murmuring profanities at his roommate.

"you didn't have to kick him out." you frown.

kai shrugs. "i thought you would want privacy." he walks over to his bed. "i can tell him to come back if you would like."

kai sits down on the bed, the springs creaking underneath his weight. he stares at you, still fidgeting by the door with your arms crossed over your chest. "do you want to sit down?" he pulls out his desk chair for you, patting the seat and glancing up at you with that smile again.

you shake your head, crossing your arms tighter. "i don't plan to be here for long," you shift in your stance again. you let your arms fall to your side for a moment before crossing them again.

"please, just sit down."

"what did you want to talk about?"

it's hard to say what is more pathetic—that you went there to listen to him tell you what he thought you needed to hear or that it worked. kai finishes his spiel about how he's so sorry for how things ended between you and how he still loves you and how he would do everything differently if you gave him another chance. "just one more chance." he tells you.

you groan loudly, running your hands through your hair, trying to process everything. you stand up, getting ready to leave before you make a mistake, but just as you turn around, kai stops you.

"you don't have anything to say?" he stands up as well, reaching for your hand. you pull your hand away.

"i don't know what you want me to say."

kai's hands slip to your waist, drawing you closer to him. "i want you to say that you missed me too." you divert your gaze towards the floor, but kai lifts your chin so you are forced to meet his eyes. "did you miss me?"

he inches closer to you. he's so close that you can feel his lips graze over yours as he speaks. "i know i missed you, so just tell me. did you miss me too?" you nod slowly and close the tiny gap between you. your lips crash onto his. you know you shouldn't have, but when his hands slides to the back of your neck, you don't stop him. he slips away from your lips, moving his focus to your neck.

it really happened so quickly, you think of the excuse you'll tell your friends when they inevitably ask tomorrow. it's like something came over you and you lost all control of your mind and body. one minute, you are at home, being the diligent and hard-working student that they know you to be. but you blackout, and the next thing you know, you're laying on your ex-boyfriend's bed in your underwear, with him hovering over you, fiddling with the strings of his sweatpants.

kai glances down at you and chuckles nervously. "sorry," he says. "i promise, next time, i will wear pants without a fucking string." he redirects his attention back to his pants and you lay there smiling and nodding with bated breath, trying not to think too hard about what he could possibly mean by next time. he finally loosens the knot on the strings and he pulls his pants down to his ankles.

kai leans down to kiss you again and you're suddenly transported back to the first time the two of you shared a kiss. you were two wide-eyed, bushy tailed freshmen sitting in his dorm with his roommate, watching a movie that none of you were interested in. his roommate paused the movie to go to the vending machine downstairs and you were finally left alone with the shy, sweet boy from your linguistics class.

kai turned towards you. the arm that was casually thrown around your shoulder throughout the movie slides down to your waist. he cautiously closed the space between you, his eyes fluttering shut at the same time. you lean in as well, but just as your lips are about to touch, your noses bump and you both pull away in giggles, like magnets of the same pole.

tonight, however, kai is less eager, more controlled, and still so fluent in the language of your body even after not speaking it for such a long time.

he kisses you slowly, taking his time to savor the taste of your cherry lip gloss that he was once intimately acquainted with. his lips are warm and soft, and just as you are getting used to the feeling of them on yours again, he pulls away. your lips fall into a pathetic pout.

"i meant it when i said i missed you." kai confesses. his gaze is so heavy and frankly, rather intimidating. you can't decipher how much of what he's saying is sincere, and for that reason, you don't want to waste any time thinking of what to say. you hum in response before pulling him back into a kiss. your fingers weave through the strands of his hair and tug softly. kai groans against your lips, pressing his body harder into yours.

against your silent protests, his lips slip away from yours once more. he trails sloppy open mouthed kisses along your jawline, sucking on the flesh of your neck. he moves down to your collarbone and leaves tiny bite marks on your cleavage. kai kisses all the way down to the band of your lacy black underwear. a gasp escapes your lips when his nose grazes your clothed clit.

he slides your panties down to your ankle, the fabric catching just before he smoothly glides it off. he sets it down on the desk next to his bed for safe keeping.

you almost forgot what it was like to be touched by him. it's intoxicating how kai eats your pussy like a starving man. his tongue laps up your entire length all the way up to your hardened clit. he sucks on the sensitive nub while flicking it with his tongue, swirling it over and over. the room is filled with the sound of him slurping and plastering sloppy kisses all over your cunt, his clothed dick against the mattress, and your muffled whimpers and moans. it takes everything in you to not grind into his face, desperate for the high that you've deprived yourself of for months.

kai moves your left leg over his shoulder and you know now you're a goner. your skin feels like it's on fire and there's a ringing in your ear as you inch closer and closer to your orgasm. kai's hands reach out for yours, gripping tightly as he guides you, pushes you, towards your climax with every low hum that vibrates through your core.

slowly, he pulls away from your pussy, his lips glistening, covered in your slick and spit. he creeps up the bed and you pull him back down for a kiss. "fuck, you're so hot." he moans into your mouth.

kai urgently takes off his clothes. he tosses his shirt somewhere in the mess of your clothes on the floor. he pulls his boxers down, kicking them off aggressively as he does so. you lay there waiting for him to join you naked. you're so hyper-fixated on the way you look, it feels like your first time all over again. you fidget with your hands, placing them by your side until it feels too awkward, then you move them to your torso. it doesn't matter how you look though. kai only starts paying attention to you again once he is completely naked.

he snatches a condom from the first drawer of his desk and hurriedly slips it on. he lines the head of his cock up to your entrance and slowly pushes into you. your breath catches in your throat and he exhales deeply once he feels himself bottom out. "missed you so fucking much," he groans.

kai wastes no time picking up his pace. it's been too long since your walls felt his stretch, and you can't stop yourself from clenching around him. with every thrust, you feel yourself come undone. all your worries and reservations about letting him in again disappear; all the hurt and upset you've been harboring since your breakup just vanish.

"you," kai moans into your ear as he pushes deeper into you. "you never answered my question— did you miss me?" he peppers kisses down to your jawline as he waits for your response. you nod fervently, but that doesn't satisfy him. "need you to say it, baby, please."

"i–i did. missed you too, so mu—" you whimper, but before you can finish your sentence, kai is already drinking the words from your lips. he kisses you rougher this time biting your bottom lip as he does so. your legs wrap themselves around his waist, pulling him closer to you and urging him on.

"y'know, i haven't been with anyone else since we broke up."

"me neither,"

"was waiting for you—" he gasps. "for you to come back to me." his hips drive harder into you until his movements become sloppier and messier. he hides his face in the crook of your neck, his teeth drag along your neck as his high approaches. he inches closer to his release, and his thrusts become less even. his nails dig deeper into your hips, holding you in place. your orgasm crashes on your overwhelmed core first. you clamp down on his cock, and soon after, he joins you. his breathing gets louder and quicker as he twitches inside you.

you whimper when he pulls out. his head remains nestled in your neck, sucking on your skin. your bodies are slick with sweat, breathless and tangled in each other and neither of you wants to move. you want to stay like this, forever or at least until the sun comes up and you're forced to come back to your senses.

when you wake up the next morning, you are pressed against kai's chest, muddled in his body heat. his arm is draped over your waist. his hair falls in messy strands across his forehead, mouth parted slightly. for a moment, you let yourself imagine what it would be like to ditch your friends today and just lay here with him for a little longer. you'd drift back to sleep and wake up again with him this time. he'd offer to make you breakfast, but when the stack of pancakes that he spent an hour making turns out burnt, he'll order you breakfast instead. the two of you will eat in bed and watch movies, until you have to leave to go home.

your heart swells. you so badly want to get used to this feeling again, but you manage to use every morsel of strength to peel yourself away from his grasp, careful not to wake him up. his fingers twitch, tightening on your waist for second. you still until his grip loosens again. you slide off the bed, cautious about the sound of the sheets rustling as you do so.

you gather your clothes from the floor and throw them on quickly, unbothered about the creases in the fabric from how carelessly they were discarded last night. before you slip out the door, your eyes drift back to kai. he shifts in his sleep, his broad shoulders rolling as his body turns towards the door. your breath catches in your throat for a moment, but he rolls back around to face the wall and you leave.

you begin your walk of shame down the stairs. a stark contrast from last night, the hallway is surprisingly crowded for ten on a saturday morning. you try to avoid the mocking stares and half smirks of frat boys as you make your way out of the house.

you rush home to get ready for brunch with your friends. you slip into the bathroom and out of your clothes from yesterday. you run a shower. the water is scalding hot, allowing the steam to dominate the room. you scrub harshly at your skin, trying to remove every speck of last night from you. however, the marks of kai's touch cling stubbornly to every surface of your body.

you step out of the shower and wipe the fogged up mirror enough to see yourself. your neck and collarbone are littered with dark red blemishes. thinking of how to cover them up, you're soon distracted by the sound of your phone ringing in your bedroom. you hurry to your room, but it cuts off right as you reach it. your phone screen lights up with a flood of notifications from your friends demanding your ETA. you get dressed quickly, throwing on the first thing you find in your closet, and rush out the door.

by the time you arrive at the restaurant, your friends are already settled in a booth, plates of appetizers littered on the table between them. yunjin is the first to notice you. "oh, look who decided to finally join us," she quips as you scuffle over to them. she moves her bag out of the way, opening up a place for you to sit beside her.

"sorry, sorry," you slide into the booth. "i'm so sorry i'm late. i was working on a paper last night and i lost track of time and i woke up late."

sieun and yunjin nod. it's expected that you have some excuse to explain your frequent tardiness. they go back to skimming the menus in front of them. ryujin, on the other hand, squints at you from across the table. you squirm in your seat as her eyes shoot laser beams at your neck. you adjust the collar of your shirt, pulling it up to cover the blemishes. "your paper gave you a hickey?" she asks.

the other two girls turn their attention towards you. their gazes land on the dark bloom along your neck. instinctively, your hand flies up to cover your neck. "that's not–"

"oh my god!" sieun squeals. you can sense the other restaurant patrons briefly glance at your table. "who is it?"

"no one," you answer quickly. heat floods your cheeks as the lie spills from your lips. you pick up the menu in front of you and hold it upright to block their view of your face.

"you gave yourself a hickey?" yunjin reaches for your neck. her fingers graze over the tender skin, causing you to wince.

you swat her hand away. "no, i—" you stammer as you scramble for another excuse, but you fail to find one. "i think we should focus on what we're ordering," you pick up the menu again, "instead of this mysterious bruise that randomly appeared on my neck?"

your friends share looks, but they don't push.

"whatever," sieun shrugs. "i'm just happy that you've finally moved on from you-know-who."

the rest of the brunch goes by smoothly and you manage to avoid any and all questions regarding who you could have possibly been with last night. afterwards, you part ways outside the restaurant. you and yunjin walk back to your shared apartment in unusually tense silence. after a while, she starts to speak. "you know," she begins, "if you're going to sneak off to see kai, you should really turn off your location." her eyes remain forward as the two of you approach your apartment building.

"what?" you stop walking.

yunjin doesn't slow her pace. when she gets to the building, she opens the door out, urging you to catch up to her. "i saw your location last night and i noticed you were on greek row."

"stalker."

"hey," she stops and finally turns around to face you. "i'm being serious."

you ignore the frown on her face and push past her, heading straight towards your apartment door. "he invited me over to talk."

"if you say so," she scoffs. you can practically hear her eyes roll. she trails behind you until you both reach your front door. you pause at the door for a moment and take a deep breath. "yunjin, i don't need your judgment."

"i'm not judging. i'm just saying be careful, because i know you haven't forgotten why you guys broke up in the first place."

later that evening, you're stretched out on the couch in your living room, waiting for your roommate to get out of the shower. she proposed that the two of you have a movie night, so you're scrolling through your phone as you wait. all of a sudden, you hear a sharp, impatient knock on the front door. you're not expecting anyone; perhaps yunjin invited one of her friends over. begrudgingly, you stand up and trudge towards the door.

when you open the door, you're surprised to see your ex-boyfriend standing in front of you, dark hair sticking to his sweaty forehead.

"kai?"

he doesn't bother responding, instead he pushes himself into your apartment uninvited. "are you trying to ghost me?" he asks.

you're still standing by the door, mind racing, trying to figure out a way to get him to leave before yunjin gets out of the shower and you're forced to explain how your "talk" with him last night went and how that somehow led to him coming back to talk again. you shut the front door and walk back into the living room.

"what are you talking about?" you fold your arms tightly across your chest.

he opens his mouth to answer, but he sees the rumpled blanket thrown across your couch. his eyes shift to the two water glasses and the large bowl of popcorn on the coffee table to the movie, selected but unplayed on the TV screen, and finally to you. "i didn't take you for a hit and run type of person." he says. "i texted you earlier."

"i told you i had plans today." your eyes flick to the bathroom door, where the shower is still thankfully running. you lower your voice. "can you come into my room?"

"why?" he follows your eyes, narrowing his at the bathroom door, where steam seeps from underneath. "is there someone else here?"

"yes," you sigh. "my roommate." without waiting for his response, you hook your fingers around his wrist and tug him towards your bedroom door. he resists for a moment, but ultimately, he lets you drag him along. you push him further into the room and slam the door shut behind you.

kai goes to sit on your bed. you're standing by the door, backing him but he can still see you burying your face in your hands, your chest heaving. he begins to speak. "i feel like you're playing me." he confesses.

you turn around slowly, hands falling down to your sides. "what are you talking about?"

"last night? us?" he explains, "i don't know—i thought we were getting back together."

"i don't know why… i just…" today seems to be your day of trying and failing to find excuses. you steal a glance at his face and immediately redirect your attention to your hands, worried that if you look into his eyes for even a second longer, like last night, you're going to do something that you're going to regret.

kai, on the other hand, doesn't take his eyes off you. you can feel his piercing stare on you and it makes you want to shrink into your body or disappear into a hole in the ground. "y/n, you said that you wanted to get back together."

you sigh, "i know i said that, but i—" you are interrupted by the sound of your door creaking open.

"hey, did you want…" yunjin's voice fills the room as she pushes the door further open, but it tails off when she sees kai. her eyes dart between you and him and back to you and her mouth falls open in a small, almost silent "oh," before she retreats and closes the door. through the door, you hear her bedroom door open and close.

you know yunjin would never tell you what to do in your relationship, but you also know what she's thinking. and more importantly, you know that you have to get kai out of your room, out of your apartment, and out of your life right now.

you let out a deep breath, trying to collect yourself, but kai doesn't ease up. his face contorts in confusion and you can tell he is trying to put the pieces together in his head. after a moment, he asks "is it your friends?"

you blink. "what?"

"i know your friends don't like me." he rises slowly from the bed, inching closer and closer to you. "they never liked me, and i'm pretty sure they're the reason we broke up in the first place. and you're listening to them again. is that it? is that why you're going back on what you said yesterday?"

the closer he comes to you, the more you fall back, until your back is almost pressed against the door and he's standing just before you. "no," your voice cracks as you speak.

"so, what is it?"

"this is just really confusing for me."

kai exhales sharply and pulls away. "what is so confusing?" he runs his hands through his hair. "y/n, i'm really trying to understand you, but you're not making any sense."

he backs down and sits on the edge of your bed. "i want to get back together because i love you, and i know you love me too."

you sit with him. "so many things went wrong the last time, and i don't want to go through that again. i can't."

he edges closer to you, his knee pressing into yours as he takes your hand. "y/n, i meant what i said last night. i have changed." his thumb brushes your hand. "i am so sure of how i feel about you, and i would never do anything to hurt you again."

you bite down on your bottom lip. "i want to believe you. i really do, but i don't know."

"give me a week."

"what?"

"if you give me a week, i'll show you that i'm not the person i was when we broke up."

"one week?"

"one week."

little did you know that this week would honestly be one of the best weeks of your relationship. being with kai now is just like it was the first time you guys got together. he's so attentive and caring, that sometimes the effort he is putting in almost feels theatrical. he texts you good morning before your alarm even rings. he's memorized your schedule so he's outside of your classes as soon as the professor dismisses you. he shows up at your door with takeout when you complain about your day. he didn't lie when he said he wanted to be the most perfect boyfriend for you.

yunjin, too, has been surprisingly supportive in her own way. one thing that you've always appreciated about your friendship with her is your "don't ask, don't tell" policy. whenever kai comes over, she disappears into her room without a word. when you slip out at night to meet him, she lingers in the living room, watching you pull on your shoes. she never questions where you're going; she never says his name; but she will tilt her head and say, "you look pretty," with a forced smile before you leave.

she also hasn't outright called you out on the fact that you lied to her that afternoon after brunch. and as the first week bled into the second week and into the third, she actually never mentioned it again. you think she's warming up to him actually, although she would never admit to it. at your request, he's been trying really hard to get her to at least tolerate him. you gave him a list of snacks she likes, so he always stops by with something for her. he's also learned her orders at all the restaurants within a five mile radius of your apartment. you don't think your joint efforts are in vain, because last night, she joined the two of you in the living room for a movie, and she let kai pick the movie.

as much as you love yunjin and appreciate her resistance to needling at your choices, you can tell that it is eating at her. last night, after kai leaves, she turns to you. "are you going to tell them?" you stare ahead at the blank TV screen, trying to ignore her question, but she presses. "you know you have to tell them eventually, right?"

"i know," you mumble.

you know your other friends won't be quite as understanding as yunjin is. she's always prioritized your present well-being since you met her. if you're happy, all she can do is also be happy for you. she only joined your friend group last year, so she only saw the final months of your relationship with kai. although she knows the full story now, her feelings about kai are different from ryujin and sieun, who you lived with last year. they were there for everything. it's harder for them to forget all the nights they had to take you out to distract you from the fact that your boyfriend had ditched you for the umpteenth time that month. it's hard to forget the countless times they skipped class to talk you down whenever you and kai had a fight. it's hard to forget the days they spent stationed outside your door, trying to get you to eat and making sure you weren't falling behind on your classes when you guys finally broke up.

"and by eventually, i mean soon. like this week."

"yunjin."

"don't 'yunjin' me. how are you going to hide a relationship from your best friends?"

"i'm not hiding my relationship."

"so what do you call this?"

"i'm just… you know how they are," you huff. "i just need to think about how to tell them."

"how about, 'hey guys, kai and i got back together.'?"

"yunjin, i will tell them."

"when?"

"tomorrow. i will tell them tomorrow when they come over." you relent.

"good." she stands up and goes to her room.

ryujin and sieun come over the following evening to pregame. yunjin, the designated bartender, is in the kitchen making drinks when they arrive. they make themselves comfortable in the living room, while you're out of sync with them the entire night. you linger in the corner of the living room closest to the exit, occasionally giving them a 'yeah' or 'that's crazy' during their stories.

throughout the evening, you constantly find reasons to disappear. first, you hated the top you were wearing, so you spent thirty minutes in your room picking out another one. sieun offered to help you, but you told her you had a process and shut the door in her face.

then, you locked yourself in the bathroom for an hour, redoing your makeup. after that, you leave your friends in the living room, while you hover in the kitchen under the pretense of getting another drink. you lean over the counter, looking through your texts with kai, who's asking what time you're coming over. when you hear footsteps approaching the door, you straighten up and grab random liquor bottles, pretending to make a drink. you let out a deep breath when you see yunjin in the doorway.

"thank god it's just you." you mutter.

yunjin doesn't look as happy to see you. "i thought you said you were going to tell them."

"i am going to."

she frowns. you hate that she can always tell when you're not telling the truth. still, she presses. "when? cause it seems like you're trying to back out of this."

"i'm not stalling. i just need to figure out the perfect way to tell them."

yunjin grabs your arm and forcibly drags you back out to the living room. she takes a seat beside ryujin, leaving you standing in the middle of the room by yourself. you scratch the back of your neck, trying to soothe yourself as all their eyes fall on you.

"y/n, are you okay?" ryujin asks. "you've been acting weird all night."

"yeah, i'm—"

yunjin cuts you off. she knows if she leaves you to your own devices, you're never going to tell them. so she takes it upon herself to give you a gentle nudge. "she's acting weird because she has something to tell you." your head snaps towards her with flames in your eyes. she glares back.

"wait, don't say that you don't want to go out." sieun groans, slumping back against the arm of the couch. "dude, you promised you would come out tonight. i'm not letting you back out."

"no," you answer quickly. "it's not that. i'm not backing out of anything. i'm just… nervous."

"since when do frat parties make you nervous?"

your stomach drops. your three friends look at you expectantly. you sit down on the couch between sieun and ryujin. "i'm, um…" you glance down at your cup, the ice clinking in the glass as your hands tremble. "i'm seeing someone. again." you finally confess.

their reaction is immediate and overwhelming. sieun practically leaps at you. ryujin scoots closer, her eyes lighting up. they talk over each other, bombarding you with questions of who is he, is he the reason for your constant hickeys, how did you meet, is he going to be at the party, when can they finally meet him. every time you open your mouth to elaborate, they throw another question out.

you can literally hear your heart beat in your chest as they go on. they even start badgering yunjin too, asking if she's met him yet but she remains silent. she just looks at you, waiting for you to fully come clean. however, you let it go on for just a little longer. it's nice to get this reaction from them. actually, it's intoxicating. you don't remember the last time they've been this outwardly excited for you and your relationship, but the guilt eats at you and you know you have to tell them the whole truth.

you say his name and you swear you can hear a pin drop.

sieun physically retracts from you. she doesn't say anything, but you can see the disappointment written clearly on her face. ryujin, on the other hand, you're not sure if you've ever seen her this speechless. you study her face, trying to gauge her thoughts, but her eyes are completely unreadable.

she stands up abruptly and begins clearing up the cups and plates from your coffee table.

"ryujin, what are you doing?"

"we have to go to the party." she doesn't look up at you. she pushes past you to the kitchen, despite your calling after her. you follow her.

"are you okay?"

"i'm fine," she answers curtly. you wince. it would sting a whole lot less if she yelled at you.

"can you please say something?"

she drops the cups into the sink with a clatter. "what do you want me to say?" she snaps, finally turning to face you for the first time since you told her the truth. but even the small glance at your face is too much for her. she exhales, pushing her hair out of her face before turning back to the dishes in the sink. "god, y/n, why do you do this to yourself?"

"ryujin, i promise you. he has changed."

"oh, yeah," she scoffs. "i'm sure he has. what did he tell you? that he loves you and he's sorry and he knows you guys are meant to be together even though he's literally the worst fucking boyfriend in the world? was this before or after he fucked you?"

"that's not fair. you're being unfair."

"i'm being unfair?"

"you're seriously shaming me for having sex with someone who loves me."

"dude, he doesn't—you know what? i don't care what you do. it's your life and if you want to be with someone who literally made you miserable for months, by all means, be with him."

she shuts the faucet, pushes past you once more and leaves the kitchen.

the walk to greek row is unnerving. ryujin walks far ahead of all of you. sieun and yunjin walk in tandem in the middle, and you trail behind all three of them, sulking with a pit in your stomach as the gap between you and your best friends physically widens as you cross every block.

when you finally make it to the house, ryujin doesn't wait for the group. she pushes through the front door and heads straight for the kitchen. sieun and yunjin follow in her wake. you try to catch up. you pick up your pace and push past the bodies that suddenly fill the space after yunjin enters the kitchen. just as your hands reach out to catch the swinging door, a pair of hands snake around your waist and haul you back into a solid chest.

"hey," kai mumbles against your ear. he spins you around in his arms and leans in closer, tilting his head to catch your lips in a kiss. you flinch and turn your face enough for his lips to graze your cheeks instead.

kai pulls back just a little bit, his hands remain situated on your hips. "are you okay?"

"yeah," you lie. you gently pry his hands off you, your eyes darting back towards the kitchen as more people force their way past you. "um, i just—i need to go do something, but i'll come find you, okay?" you don't wait for his answer. you place a soft kiss on his lips and writhe through the crowded hallway, maneuvering past sweaty bodies until you reach the door of the kitchen again.

you stop short.

your friends are huddled in a tight circle near the back counter, locked in a whisper-yelling session.

"guys, we're not doing this again." ryujin starts. "i genuinely cannot watch them be together."

"i think we still need to be there for her and be supportive." yunjin tries to defend. when she reaches for their hands, sieun doesn't take hers and ryujin swats it away. "i do think he's better than he was last time, and she's so happy…"

ryujin rolls her eyes.

"can we all just agree to at least give him a chance? for her sake?" yunjin continues.

"we've given him many chances." sieun sharply gestures towards herself and ryujin, causing yunjin to flinch backwards.

"okay that's true. but we all know they're going to break up before the semester ends. i'm just saying, we need to be there for her when that happens."

"we never said we weren't going to be there for her." ryujin says.

"yeah, and yunjin you weren't there for everything. we're allowed to feel betrayed by this."

"okay, i'm not the enemy here."

"i didn't mean it like that."

yunjin glances at the door. she lowers her voice an octave when she sees you approaching them with a weary smile. "wait, she's coming over."

you squeeze your way into the tight circle between yunjin and ryujin. "hey guys," you chuckle nervously. "i think i lost you guys back there." you feel their bodies stiffen as you enter. in fact, the entire mood shifts and neither ryujin or sieun look at you.

sensing this, yunjin pivots to the counter behind her. "you're here now. do you want a drink?" before you can respond, she hands you a can of beer from an ice bucket. the cold metal bites into your palm as the water drips onto the floor.

"thanks," you toy with the can, nervously clicking the aluminum tab back and forth without opening it. the silence between the four of you is heavy, filled by the distant thumping of the party. you examine their faces as they avoid your gaze. "do you guys want to dance?" you propose, as if that will magically solve everything.

"i think someone is looking for you," sieun jerks her chin towards the doorway. you turn to find kai standing there, watching you and your friends.

ryujin, who has been quiet since you joined them, finally scoffs. "of course he's here."

"ryu, he lives here. it's his house. why wouldn't he be here?"

she doesn't say anything else. instead, she shifts her weight, angling her body away from you to face yunjin and sieun, effectively pushing you back out of the circle.

"whatever," you take a deep breath in an attempt to suppress the embarrassment burning in your chest. "i'm gonna go meet him. maybe i'll see you guys around. have fun." you swallow.

you don't wait for their response. spinning on your heels, you storm off towards kai, blinking rapidly as the hot sting of tears prick at your eyes. when you reach him, his hands come up instinctively, steadying you by your upper arms.

"hey, hey, what's wrong?"

"can we go somewhere?"

he doesn't ask any questions. he threads his fingers through yours and leads you through the maze of the house and up the stairs. once you get to his room, he locks the door behind him. you perch on the edge of his bed, shoulders slumped, and he joins you. "what happened?" he takes your hands in his, rubbing small circles on your knuckles, as he waits for your response.

your lips quiver. "i-i told my friends about us."

he shifts closer to you. "and they didn't take it well?"

you nod, swiping your damp nose with the back of your hand. "they all think i'm stupid and that i'm making a mistake. that this—" your voice cracks, "that this is a mistake. even yunjin. and now they're not talking to me." you roll your eyes.

"i don't care what your friends think about me. i only care about you, and about us."

"i know," you inhale sharply. "but i wished they liked you. you are important to me, and they're important to me too, and i just want all of you to get along."

"i can get along with them." kai nods.

"maybe we just need to give it time, like we did with yunjin." you look up at him with wet, unfocused eyes, your gaze darting across his face, searching for reassurance. "i know that if they spent more time with you, they would love you too."

kai doesn't look convinced, but he nods along anyways. "i'll do anything to make you happy."

"i just need to not be fighting with them first."

he leans closer, pressing a gentle kiss to your forehead in a way that feels placating. but you still let him wrap his arms around you, pulling you into his chest. "i'm sorry that they made you cry." another feather-light kiss lands on your nose. "and i'm sorry that i'm the reason you guys are fighting."

"we're going to be fine, i just need to—"

he tilts your chin up, his eyes locking onto yours. "relax?"

"yeah."

"yeah," he echoes, closing the space between you.

his lips brush yours softly, then the kiss deepens as his hands slide down your back. when he feels you sink into him, he pulls you onto his lap, his grip firm on your hips. his lips trail away from yours, peppering kisses along your neck, each one sending shivers down your spine. the weight of his body shifts, and before you realize it, he is laying you gently back against the bed. the mattress dips beneath you. for a moment, you let yourself melt into the way his presence drowns out your thoughts until his fingers wander, teasing the band of your jeans, playing with the button.

"hey, wait," you press a hand to his chest, sitting up straighter. "can we…"

"you want to go back down?"

"yeah," you rise from the bed, smoothing your shirt. "i think i want to dance."

kai sinks back onto the bed with a groan, dragging a hand down his face. he glances up at you again with a pout. "y/n, you know i can't dance."

"liar, liar." a giggle escapes you. you move in front of him with one hand on your hip, the other stretched out, reaching for him. kai squints at you, trying to call your bluff. however, when you don't budge, he relents. kai takes your hand and you tug playfully. he resists at first, then you pull harder, nearly stumbling back as he begrudgingly rises to his feet.

"hey, what happened to 'i'll do anything to make you happy'?" you ask.

his lips twitch as he tries to suppress his smile. "will this make you happy?"

"it would make me very, very happy to see you dance."

kai leans in, pressing a quick kiss against your lips, then he takes your hand and pulls you towards the door. "fine, let's go."

you spend the rest of the night watching kai fully commit to pretending he doesn't know how to dance. he exaggerates every misstep and every awkward sway, all because he knows it makes you laugh. eventually, he lets up.

between the laughing, and dancing, and twirling, you genuinely forget about your friends and the fight and the tight ache you felt in your chest when they pushed you away. however, once the party starts thinning out and bodies drift home, you realize you haven't seen them since you left them in the kitchen.

you follow kai up to his room to collect your bag and your jacket.

kai nudges the door shut with his foot and turns to you. "my roommate is visiting home this weekend, so you can stay the night. if you want."

you look up from your bag. "i would," you drag. "but i need to shower."

he tilts his head and that smile appears again. the one that appears when he's trying to convince you to do something that you know you probably shouldn't. "you know i have a private bathroom, right?" he asks.

"yes, but i don't have anything here."

he turns on his heels and crosses the room, sliding open his closet door. hangers clack as he reaches in, fishing for something at the back of his closet. when he turns back to face you, he's holding a shower caddy and a rolled up towel.

"oh, my god." you coo, hands flying up to cover your mouth. he hands you the caddy sheepishly. "kai, wow. this is… wow." you shuffle through the products neatly tucked into the caddy. everything is so familiar. it's everything you could find in your own bathroom, down to the brands.

"it's no big deal." his smile fades as his face reddens.

"you really like me, huh?" you tease. you reach out to pinch his cheeks, but he dodges out of your way.

"are you going to keep making fun of me or are you going to shower?"

so you go take a shower, and when you're done, you put on an old pajama set that kai left out for you. you step back into his room and he is already on the bed, sprawled out and waiting in the same spot you left him when you went to the bathroom. you cross the room and climb onto the bed, settling onto his lap, knees on either side of him. his hands slide to your waist automatically as you lean in to kiss him.

on the desk, your phone buzzes.

you try to ignore it. you push further into the kiss, but then it buzzes again. and again. the sound pulls demandingly at your attention until you finally pull back with an angry sigh. you pick up your phone to see missed calls and messages from yunjin.

yunjin [12:43am]: hey, where are you? yunjin [12:47am]: just wanted to check if you were okay yunjin [12:47am]: we're leaving in like 5 yunjin [1:00am]: okay, ik you're upset with us, but please can you please respond so i know you're alive and i don't have to call campus safety to tell them my roommate is missing yunjin [1:05am]: okay we're going home yunjin [1:05am]: please just text me whenever you see this yunjin [1:25am]: oh also sieun and ryujin are sleeping over so i'm gonna stay in your room if that's okay with u yunjin [1:26am]: i'm sorry about tonight yunjin [1:26am]: please text me or call me or whatever yunjin [1:26am]: i love u

your thumb hovers over the screen as you scroll through the messages. guilt creeps in alongside the hurt from earlier. you swallow, blinking hard. "it's yunjin," you tell kai, who sits with his hands still warm and steady at your waist, a small pout cemented on his lips as he awaits your returned attention.

"just tell her you're staying here tonight."

"i don't know why i feel bad."

"baby, you don't have to feel bad." he kisses your shoulder. "they were the ones who were ignoring you. c'mon," he pulls you closer to him. "you can talk to them in the morning."

you [1:30am]: you don't have to call campus safety. i'm staying with kai. you [1:30am]: oh and idc if you stay in my room.

you press the blue arrow and you lock your phone, the screen dimming a second later. you let out a breath as you turn off your ringer and set the phone back down on the desk.

"you're so right," you settle back into kai.

you take your time to go home the next morning. after everything that happened last night, you are severely dreading seeing your friends. kai senses your heightened anxiety from the moment you wake up. he takes you out for breakfast to distract you from thinking about the inevitable conversation that will happen as soon as you get home. afterwards, he takes the scenic route back to your place, circling the block a few times before you decide you're done avoiding it and you're ready to go in. he offers to go with you, but you decline. seeing him there would definitely make things worse, and you know you need to face them alone.

at your apartment door, you dig through your bags for your keys. after you find them, you hesitate. your fingers rest against the cool metal as you slide the key into the lock. you press your ear against the door and hold your breath, listening for a sign of life that your friends are awake. when you don't hear anything, you unlock the door and step in.

you're instantly welcomed by the aroma of coffee and vanilla syrup.

you follow the scent to the kitchen where you find sieun making drinks. you start to turn in the direction of your room, hoping to slip away undetected, but she looks up and catches sight of you just as you're about to turn the corner. "hey," she greets you. slowly, you turn around to see her holding out an iced coffee towards you. "i made this for you."

you nod as you take the drink from her. "thanks," you turn once more, beginning to leave the room, but she stops you.

"y/n, wait," she calls out. "i'm sorry about last night." you take a sip of the drink. your eyes flutter from the coffee maker on the back counter, to the blue kitchen towel hanging on the oven door, to the milk and syrup containers that line the counters. anything to avoid her eye contact. "i really want to be happy for you, y/n, but there are so many guys that go here. i don't see why you had to get back together with your ex."

"i understand it's hard for you guys to believe this, but it's so different this time, okay? he really has changed."

sieun scoffs. "yeah, i said that about jake and he cheated on me."

you set the drink down on the counter forcibly, some of it spilling over the side of the cup. "that's not the same. kai has never cheated on me."

"but he still hurt you." she shuts her eyes and runs her hands through her hair. "that's besides my point. i love you, so much, and even though i don't necessarily like kai, i still want you to know that i will always be here for you. and i want you to know you can always come to talk to me about whatever, whenever you want. i'm not going to judge you."

you take a deep breath. "i really want you guys to forget about whatever happened before between kai and i and just start over."

"i can't promise that, babe."

"can you at least promise me you will give him a chance and actually get to know him?"

sieun presses her lips together for a moment. "i can try." she finally says.

for sieun, the big gestures don't matter much. it's the small things that are important.

when kai starts showing up more often at your side, her guard stays firmly in place. she's polite and civil, but she's still distant, keeping him at arm's length. she watches him closely, almost like she's waiting for him to mess up. she doesn't pay much attention to how he treats her and the rest of your friends— how he jokes with yunjin or offers to grab drinks when you're all out or how he drives you all home after a party.

no, instead she focuses on how he treats you; on the way his hand lingers on your lower back when you're moving through a crowded room; on how he notices when you go quiet and leans in, softly asking if you're okay; on how he listens to you intently when you speak, drinking up every word that pours out your lips. it's one thing for him to put on a charming act for them, but it's a lot harder to fake consistency.

and kai is convincing; she'll give him that.

he's very attentive, to all of you, but especially to you. he anticipates what you need before you even ask. he never dominates the conversation. he doesn't try to hard to be liked by them or to get on their good side. it doesn't take long for sieun to soften to him, just as you predicted.

you have yunjin and sieun now, but ryujin is a totally different story. she doesn't engage with him at all. if she knows he's going to be around, she suddenly has somewhere to be. whenever he is there unexpectedly, she keeps her responses to him short, if she even speaks to him at all. despite kai's attempts to make things right with her, she completely shuts him out. it feels hopeless and she's unmoved by the way everyone else has seemed to warm up to him.

at this point, there's no reason in spending more time or effort trying to convince her that he has any redeeming qualities. right now, you're choosing to focus on your relationship now that your friends don't seem to be an obstacle anymore.

but just as things seem to be working out finally, you feel kai start to drift away from you. it's slow at first. you hardly noticed how the texts that used to come in waves just a few weeks ago began to trickle in, devoid of their usual warmth. but the more it went on, the more agonizing it became. you try to make your presence more known, like your boyfriend could have possibly just forgotten about you and things would snap back to how they were if you could make him remember you existed. you text him more often, you stop by his frat house after class, you invite him to yours whenever yunjin isn't home. however, the more you push, the further he pulls away.

you convince yourself that it's only because he's busy, just like every other student at this time of the year. you decide to give him space, but that only makes things worse for you. the silence in your room, on your phone, and in your mind, feels too heavy. you start hanging out with your friends more, hoping to distract yourself. they notice, of course. how could they not? you're suddenly saying yes to doing things that you've never said yes to in all their years of knowing you. you went to a rave with ryujin. you tagged along to yunjin's study group. you even sat in for one of sieun's a capella group rehearsals. nevertheless, you'd spend the entire time checking your phone every thirty minutes for a sign of life from kai.

the first real sign of the decline of your relationship happens on a friday night. you invite kai over to your apartment for a casual dinner with your friends. casual for you means an elaborate three course meal, all homemade of course. you spent the entire day slaving away in your kitchen. when your friends arrive, you task them with carefully setting the table under your detailed direction. you lay out all the food and call your friends to gather around the table, their mouths watering at the sight of your hard work. they're quick to grab their plates, but you stop them.

"can we please wait for kai?" you ask. they exchange irritated looks, but they still oblige.

minutes stretch as you cook up topics of conversation that no one seems to care about—the production that sieun's a capella group is putting on at the end of the month, the women's basketball team winning their game last week, the fire drill from last night. the food is getting colder and their patience is wearing thinner.

you're about to bring up how a professor accidentally flipped off your latin class yesterday when yunjin interrupts you. "y/n, can you text him and find out where he is or how long he's gonna take?"

"he said he would be here soon."

"and how long ago was that?"

"that was like five minutes ago. guys, he should—" you are saved by the chime of the doorbell. "see, he's here, and none of you died." you hop out of your seat and skip to the door, opening it to reveal kai standing there with a weary smile plastered on his face.

"i'm so sorry i'm late." he apologizes.

you shake your head and place a soft kiss on his lips. "you're here now." you usher him into the apartment and towards the dining table. your friends greet him, but they don't do much to mask their annoyance, mostly aimed at him for being late, but also at you for making them wait for so long.

everyone is already eating when sieun turns to kai. tilting her head, she asks. "what made you so late?"

kai glances up slowly. "i accidentally locked my keys in my room and my roommate was taking an exam so i had to wait for either the maintenance guy or him to get back." he answers calmly.

"there was no one in your house with a spare key?" she presses.

"and it took them almost an hour to open a single door?" ryujin adds.

"guys," you snap. "it's not that big of a deal."

"we were just—" sieun continues, but your stop her.

"please, just stop." you exhale, before putting on a forced smile. "i spent hours trying to make tonight perfect. can we please just have a good night? please?" they don't bring it up again for the rest of the evening.

shortly after dinner, ryujin and sieun go home. yunjin offers to walk back with them on her way to meet up with some of her other friends. you're left alone with kai. you take him to your room and sit cross-legged on your bed. he is distantly perched on the edge of the bed.

"yunjin might not come home tonight." you say, scooting closer to him.

"i should probably go home soon." he turns sharply to face you. the pout plastered on your lips prompts him to quickly explain himself. "i have a lot of stuff to do in the morning."

you lean in closer, your lips just a breath away from his. "you can stay a little longer, though?" you mumble against his lips, but just as you are about to close the gap, he pulls away.

"i'll call you in the morning." kai rises from the bed in a swift, almost jumpy movement.

your shoulders sink as you watch him pick up his jacket from your chair and slip it on. "are we okay?"

"we're perfect."

"doesn't feel like that. actually it hasn't felt like that in a while."

"y/n," he runs his hands through his hair. "i just have a lot to do tomorrow and i need to get started on it early. it's almost finals and i'm just really busy. i promise we're good. i love you."

"okay," you spring up as well. "i'll walk you out."

you both linger at the front door for a little while. kai takes your hand in his. "i'm sorry,"

"you don't have to apologize for anything."

"i know, but i hate seeing you so upset."

"i just miss you and i feel like you're pulling away."

"i miss you too. i promise after finals, i'm all yours." he tugs you closer to him, his hands sliding down to your waist. "we're good," he presses a kiss down onto the top of your head.

"we're good." you parrot.

you repeat that to yourself, hoping that by saying it over and over again, you would eventually believe it or even will it so. you really want it to be true, especially, a few nights later when your friends are getting ready for another party at your apartment.

"y/n, are you sure you don't want to come?" yunjin asks. she joins you on the couch, where you are sitting with your laptop, pretending to do schoolwork.

"i can't," you say, putting your laptop down beside you. "kai is supposed to be here soon."

"you could always ditch him for us." yunjin insists. "we're more fun."

"and way prettier," ryujin calls out from the bathroom.

"this is the first time we've hung out alone in a minute, so as much as i love you guys, i'm not ditching him."

"boo!" yunjin blows raspberries at you. you swat her away, laughing despite yourself.

they leave in a flurry of noise shortly after. the front door slams shut behind yunjin and the apartment falls quiet in an instant. with the silence, you can finally try to focus your attention on your assignment before kai arrives. you stretch your legs across the couch and pull your laptop back onto your lap. ten minutes pass and you realize you have been rereading the same sentence without absorbing a single word.

you take a break to text kai, asking how far away he is. the message delivers but he doesn't respond right away. you turn back to your work, but when five, ten, twenty minutes pass and there's no response from him. just like you've always done, you tell yourself that he's just running late. you send another message, refreshing every second but nothing comes through. another ten minutes pass and you glance at the door, half-expecting it to open from your will and desperation.

your phone screen lights up. you rush to it, but shoulders slump when it's not a text notification, but one from instagram. you almost don't open it, but foolishly, desperate for a distraction, you do. yunjin tagged you in her story. the video is shaky and dim with colored lights in the background and music you can almost feel through the screen. there's a caption: "only thing missing is y/n".

you slide up to respond when you see movement in the background of the video. you hold down the screen and a very familiar green hoodie crystallizes. you could be mistaken. it's such a common clothing piece that so many people could have, but the more you stare at the screen, the more defined your boyfriend's features become.

your chest tightens and you exit the app immediately and switch back to your messages with kai. the status of your last message still reads delivered.

you [11:30pm]: actually dw about it. i'm going to bed.

you shut your phone and put it face down on the couch like it's done something wrong and you're putting it on time out. discomfort and anger bubble in your stomach, but you don't cry. you get up, turn off the lights, and crawl into bed alone. you toss and turn for hours but the sleep comes eventually, and when you wake up the next morning, you feel like you've been hit by a bus.

you drag yourself out of bed to meet your friends for brunch. it feels like you're moving through a fog. you smile when you're supposed to. you nod along to conversations that you're barely paying attention to. the only thing on your mind is kai and how you're going to confront him later.

"y/n, did you miss us last night?" ryujin asks, peering at you over her glass.

"oh, yeah, we didn't really do anything." you answer without looking up, but when you feel all their eyes on you, you clear your throat and continue. "i mean," you shake your head. "apparently, the frat president said they had to do this mandatory 'brotherhood bonding thing.' i don't know, but he invited me, and i was way too tired to get dressed."

the silence that follows your rambling is deafening. you were never a great liar, but this is probably the least convincing one you've told. sieun's lips press into a thin line, her eyes dropping to the plate of fruit in front of her. yunjin hums softly, the sound vibrating against the rim of her glass as she takes a slow sip. ryujin is the only one who maintains your eye contact. there's something in the way she looks at you with pity. it makes you want to crawl under the table. "you could have told us." ryujin says. "we would have come back to stay with you." her voice softens and it feels worse than if she had just called you out for lying.

you almost want to yell out the truth but the conversation shifts seamlessly. sieun starts babbling about her a capella show rehearsals, reenacting her director's meltdown at thursday's rehearsals. you're grateful for the distraction and grateful that they're decided to let you keep your pride for now.

at the end of brunch, the waiter brings you a to-go order and you and your friends go your separate ways. they go to some vintage market that yunjin found online, and you haul yourself to frat row.

the air in the frat house always smells like stale beer and cheap cologne, and now old spice cedar wood body wash as guys go in and out of their rooms and the shared bathrooms. you shift the weight of the paper bag in your arms, the warmth seeping though the sleeve of your t-shirt as you knock on kai's bedroom door.

a muffled voice speaks on the other side. "it's open,"

you push the door open with your hip. the room is like a cave with the curtains pulled so tight, they almost overlap, allowing only a thin sliver of light to cut across the floor. kai is wrapped in his comforter, his back facing the door. he rolls over just enough for him to peek at you through his lashes and just make out your shape.

"it's me," you say softly.

"what are you doing here?"

"i brought you this." your sneakers squeak faintly on the hardwood floors as you walk further into the room. you set the bag on the corner of his desk, next to a tangled charging cable. the grease from the breakfast burrito is already starting to bloom through the bottom of the bag, turning the paper translucent.

kai stirs. the sheets rustle as he pushes himself up. there's a tired hunger in the way he reaches for the bag. his fingers fumble with the staple and he slowly rips the bag open. he unwraps the burrito from its aluminum foil casing allowing the scent of toasted flour and chorizo to fill the small space.

when he finally takes a bite, he sinks back against the headboard, eyes fluttering shut as he chews. "you're my guardian angel," he groans but the words are muffled by another mouthful of food. "thank you."

"you're welcome," you're still hovering by the bed. your hands suddenly feel empty and awkward now that they have nothing to hold, so you shove them into your pockets, then pull them out again to pick at a loose thread on your sleeve.

kai glances up. the foil crinkles as he extends the burrito toward you. "do you want some?"

you shake your head. "i already ate."

he shrugs, taking another bite. he swallows, his brow furrowing as he actually fully looks at you for the first time since you walked in. "are you okay?"

"i'm kind of tired, but i just wanted to see you."

"hey, come sit." he pats the mattress. you don't want to make this easy on him but your body betrays you as you sink onto the edge of the bed. he sets the half-eaten food aside, turning his full attention to you. "what's wrong?"

"did you get my texts last night?" you ask.

"i left my phone charging here when we went out last night, cause it was dead."

"oh, well, that's convenient." you mutter.

"what's that supposed to mean?"

"i was waiting for you last night cause you said you would come over."

his lips part, dropping into a small, silent 'oh'. "shit, y/n, i'm an idiot. i completely forgot. i'm so sorry." he reaches for your waist, pulling you closer until your thighs are brushing his. "i'm so so sorry." he repeats. he looks sincere. his guilt wears visibly on his face and you feel like you have no other option than to drop it.

"it's okay," you lie. the words feel like ash in your mouth. you let him pull you into his chest, burying your face in the crook of his neck. your body relaxes into his almost automatically. "i just wanted to make sure you were okay."

"do you want to stay?" he asks. you nod. "okay, i'm just going to finish this downstairs and shower." kai pull away. he gets up and pick up the burrito from the table. he hands you the tv remote.

"it's your turn to pick, though."

"yeah, but i think i lost that chance when i ditched you last night." he kisses the top of your head. "get comfy. i'll be right back."

kai comes back thirty minutes later, showered and changed into a clean hoodie and sweatpants that sit low on his lips. you scoot over to make room for him and press play on some random action movie you found that you think he would like. he lays down with his head in your lap, shifting around until he gets comfortable.

you run your fingers absently through his damp hair as the opening credits play. his hair feels soft between your fingers and you can feel the tension in his shoulders loosen every time your fingernails graze his scalp. it's mildly infuriating how easy it is for him to let things go, though part of it is your fault. you never hold him accountable long enough for him to feel any semblance of guilt.

the movie continues and you're not sure exactly how much time has passed. you've stopped following the plot at some point without realizing. your attention is reduced to shapes and sounds until the hand kai has resting on your knee starts moving, slowly and absentmindedly at first. his thumb traces small, lazy circles against the inside on your knee before inching upwards gradually until it comes to rest against your inner thigh.

you don't say anything and neither does he.

on screen, something explodes in a wide orange bloom and you're briefly pulled back into the plot but kai seems to be desperate for your attention. he slips his hands under the hem of your t-shirt and the remote slips out of your hand somewhere in the sheets. you gasp at the contact; his palm is flat and warm against the skin of your waist.

"do you not want to watch anymore?" you ask.

"it's kind of boring," he scoots up the bed until he is beside you, propped on one elbow, looking at you with a smirk that you still haven't figured out how to be unbothered by. "i'd much rather be kissing you."

he reaches over and takes your hand, turning it palm-down, and presses his lips to the back of it. then he turns it over and kisses your wrist, just below the pulse point, then the inside of your forearm, working his way slowly upward until he reaches your shoulder. nosing aside the collar of your t-shirt, he stays there. "feel like you still mad at me." he murmurs against your shoulder.

you are mad. at him, yes. but mostly, you're mad at yourself for forgiving him so quickly, for still being here in his bed, and for letting him think that all he has to do to make things right is to touch you in the right places. you're mad at yourself for letting him believe that your boundaries are made of tissue paper and that they crumple with even the slightest pressure applied.

"i'm not mad," you say. you shift slightly, reaching into the blankets with your free hand until you find the remote. you hold it out toward him without meeting his eyes. "you can pick something that you actually want to watch."

he doesn't take it. "i don't want to watch anything."

"what do you want to do then?"

"you."

you sit up a little straighter, throwing your legs over the side of the bed. "kai," you clear your throat. "i forgot i have a paper tonight." it's not entirely a lie. you do have a paper; it's just not due until thursday. anyways, you reach for your sneakers that are lying on their sides next to his desk chair, the laces still tied from when you kicked them off earlier.

"you're leaving?"

"i just wanted to check if you were alive," you say. "and i see you are, so i can go now." you get one shoe on, shoving your foot in without untying it. you stretch to get the other.

he sits up behind you. "are you sure you're not upset about last night?"

"i already said i'm not."

"promise?" there's a pause, then he appears in your peripheral vision with his hand extended towards you, pinky out.

it's such a small thing. it's so childish, but that's what makes it impossible to refuse. if you did, you're admitting the truth, thus making you the problem because he already apologized. he already said he was sorry and he already flashed his puppy dog eyes. your throat feels tight as you reach over and take it. "i'm not upset."

"i don't think you're being honest." he lets go of your hand slowly. "i don't want you to leave if you're upset."

"kai, i'm not—"

"come here." he reaches out and wraps his fingers loosely around your wrist. his grip is light enough that the slightest resistance on your part would be enough, but you let him pull you gently until you're tipping back onto his lap. your body folds like it has been trained to, overriding your common sense and your half-on shoe thuds softly against the bed frame before slipping off and hitting the floor. "let me show you how sorry i am." he brushes your hair back from your neck with one hand and lowers his mouth to the skin just below your jaw, pressing a slow kiss there, then another.

"i know you're sorry," you gasp as his teeth grazes your skin. you clench your hands in your lap, your fingernails digging into your palms. "i still have to go home."

"do you want me to take you home?"

"sure."

kai grabs his keys from his desk and you follow him out to his car. the drive to your place is only supposed to be ten minutes long, but it feels longer with the silence. he keeps one hand firmly on the wheel, drumming occasionally against the leather to the beat on the engine humming. he keeps the other hand on your thigh. it's so natural for him, but you're squirming on the inside, waiting to get out of the car. 

he finally pulls up in front of your building. without looking back at him, you mumble, "thank you," and quickly hop out of his car before he can say anything else. you rush inside the building, yanking open the heavy door, ignoring the vibration coming from your back pocket.

when you get to your room on the third floor, the tears start falling from your eyes. they come without warning and suddenly. you don't even realize that yunjin is home until she's by your side, ushering you further inside the apartment. 

"what's wrong?" she asks you softly.

you try to answer but the words don't come out. they're stuck somewhere in your chest, tangled up with all the hurt and anger and frustration you've been swallowing down. all that emerges is a choked sound that might be the beginning of his name.

"is it kai?" she presses gently, sitting down next to you on the couch. her hand rubs slow circles on your back. "what did he do?"

you feel protective of him, even though he's the reason why you're crying. even with the tears streaming down your face, your first instinct is to defend him, to minimize it, to say it's not that bad or you're just being emotional. the impulse is so deeply ingrained that you can feel the excuses forming on your tongue. he apologized and it's not his fault. he was really trying to make you feel better but you're just tired. you can hear how pathetic they would sound right now.

yunjin doesn't push you. she just holds you while you cry, and eventually, when you stop crying enough to produce a coherent sentence, you tell her what happened. she listens to you and she nods. she doesn't say what you know she's thinking and what her face is saying. deep down you know she's right, but the thought of not having him, especially after all the effort you've put into making things work, makes you feel inexplicably hollow.

you cry harder and she holds you tighter and neither of you mention it again.

kai knocks on your door on monday morning, apologizing again. by that evening, you've decided to forgive him. you've decided to, try at least, convince yourself that the crying in yunjin's arms was a momentary weakness and that you are fine and your relationship is fine and everything is perfect like it's supposed to be.

but your breaking point comes just at the end of the week. kai's roommate is home again for the weekend and he invites you to stay the night. something in you wants to say no, but you say yes anyways, because you always say yes, and when saturday night comes, you find yourself standing outside his house.

someone lets you in and you go up to kai's room and knock on the door, but there's no answer. you wait, listening for movement inside, but there's also nothing.

"kai?" you knock again, louder this time. there's still no answer. you twist the doorknob and push in to find the room completely empty, his bed unmade.

you [10:05pm]: i'm here? where are you? k <3 [10:05pm]: sorry, it's heeseung's birthday and they forced me to come out with them. k <3 [10:05pm]: you can stay in my room. i'll be back in like 10 minutes

you stare at the messages and annoyance seeps through your entire body. who invites someone over when they're not even home? you sit on his bed and tell yourself he'll be back in ten minutes. you do something to pass the time, scrolling mindlessly through your phone. as usual, the time passes and kai is not here like he promised he would be. 

with each minute that passes, you're rationalizing why you should stay even though you feel pathetic. you're sitting in your boyfriend's empty room on a saturday night while he's out with his friends. it is truly absurd, but you need to wait for him because you're not quite ready to admit what your friends already know to be true.

at some point you lie down on his bed, on top of the covers. you let your eyes flutter closed for just a moment and you're suddenly not in his room anymore.

you're at an italian restaurant downtown, sitting at a table by the window. you're wearing a dress you bought specifically for this night. it's the one year anniversary of the day kai asked you to be his girlfriend and the two month mark of the day you guys got back together after your "break". the chair across from you is embarrassingly empty. you've looked at the menu five times, you've checked your phone fifteen times.

he made the reservation for seven but he had an evening class and told you he'd be meeting you there. it's been forty five minutes now and the waiter has come by three times to ask if you're ready to order and each time you've apologized and said you're waiting for someone. you can see him start to make his way back to your table when your phone rings and kai's photo fills up your screen.

"hey, where are you?" you ask softly, with the phone pressed against your ear.

the other side of the line is quiet for a second and then he starts with a sigh. "i'm so sorry, baby, i was talking to my professor and i lost track of time. can we do this another night?"

"yeah, that's fine. i'll see you later" you mutter, trying to ignore the sound of your heart breaking. you hang up the phone and stand up, pushing your chair in. a look of relief flashes over the waiter's face as you leave the restaurant.

you cry all the way home, and into the arms of ryujin and sieun, who are surprised to see you home so early. they tell you that you need to be done with him and you can't keep letting him do this to you. you wipe your tears and nod. they're right, you tell yourself. but three days later, kai shows up at your door with flowers and that look on his face and you're so ready to take him back again when ryujin tells him to fuck off and slams the door in his face.

you're awoken by the sound of chatter and laughter in the hallway. you reach for your phone beside the pillow, before your fully awake. you squint at the brightness before the time becomes clear to you. it reads 12:30am. you sit up as the door creaks open.

kai slips through the door, catching it gently behind it so it doesn't slam. he's so obviously drunk, but he's trying hard not to look it. "hey," he whispers. "sorry, you can go back to sleep."

you sit up straighter, throwing your legs over the side of the bed. "actually, i'm gonna go."

"wait, what?" he stumbles a little as he moves towards you. "i just got back."

you scoff, "are you serious?"

"y/n, it's late."

"yeah, it's late, so i'm gonna go sleep in my bed." you stand up, looking around for your bag.

"c'mon." kai reaches for you but he misjudges the distance. his hand grasps at the air.

"i can't believe you weren't here when you invited me."

"i was trying to leave, and they made me take a shot and you know how these things go," he slurs, waving his hand dismissively.

"you could have told me. you could have text me or called me or something." you find your bag on the floor by his desk and pick it up.

"that doesn't really matter because i'm here now."

"it matters that you made me wait for you for two hours." your voice cracks. your throat is getting tight and you can feel the tears start to build behind your eyes but you refuse to cry in front of him.

"so what? you want to leave?" he shoots. "i got held up. it's not that big of a deal. it happens all the time. i don't know why you're being so dramatic." when you don't respond, you're putting on your shoes and looking for your jacket, he mumbles. "so fucking clingy." he says it loud enough for you to hear.

"excuse you?"

"you're always calling me and texting me and inviting yourself over." he's getting louder now, and you're suddenly aware of all his frat brothers outside, probably listening to this. "can i not hang out with my friends for one night?"

"god forbid i want to spend time with my boyfriend."

"you're suffocating me."

"kai, you begged me to take you back." you exhale a sharp breath and push your hair out of your face. "actually, you know what? you're drunk and i'm not going to have this conversation with you right now. i'll see you tomorrow." you shove your phone into your bag with shaking hands, and put your jacket back on and head for the door.

he calls after you. "y/n, if you leave, don't come back."

you stop, your hand still on the doorknob. "what?" you turn around slowly.

"if you leave now," he repeats slowly. "i don't want to see you tomorrow."

"okay," your voice cracks again. you look back to see the smirk still plastered on his face. he think you're going to fold like you always do. he thinks you're going to turn around and apologize and say you're being dramatic. you twist the doorknob slowly and pull it open. "goodbye, kai." you take a deep breath and walk out the door.

masterlist don't smile

⟢ it's slim pickins; if I can't have the one i want, i guess it's you that i'll be kissing OR short and sweet anecdotes of a girl who just really wants to fall in love.

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