#(mostly food)

I got less than 7 episodes into Babylon 5 and jumped ship to Farscape and now I found myself ignoring it in the background to be bored and frustrated by tumblr, so I stopped trying to watch it,

The problem isn't these shows,

The problem is i simply do not have the emotional energy to be invested,

I'm too tired, I don't care.

My stash of canned goods is dwindling, there's nothing left in the fridge but some stale bread I over-cooked two days ago, and condiments, and I can't be assed to go digging through the big freezer yet.

It hurts too much to put on clothing, like physically, but if I try to dig in the freezer in my shorts, the frozen stuff touches my boobs. I hate everything.

I wish I had less food restrictions and health issues so I could just order and eat a bunch of burgers and subs and pizza, Order Chinese food and not worry about food reactions, I think we have a sushi place that delivers, and hell would I love to be able to just order and eat curry without having to worry about fuck all, There might be some kind of mexican style food that does delivery by now, who knows.

What if the world was not hostile to me and not full of deadly plague?

I am so very close to recovered enough that I can start to eat mostly normally again, but not quite, [and you know, the 200 food allergies persist]

So very close to being able to physically endure getting groceries but not quite,

The best thing I can be eating right now is popcorn, no joke, but I am sick of popcorn. I need the potassium and salt and fats and carbs, and it's actually easy and fast to make, with not a lot of phosphorus to neutralize compared to a lot of other options, but I have been eating popcorn for 1.5 days so far, and steadily feeling better the whole time, and yeah, steadily improving and feeling better the whole time seems like it should really sell you on something but I am so fucking bored of popcorn I want real food.

I am out of canned tomato. I should not be eating any of the canned meat or beans I have. On account of the phosphorus.

I don't have the energy to cook anything elaborate. I'm not sure I have the ingredients.

There's big shrimp and tilapia in the freezer, but that's too much phosphorus for me right now.

I am out of garlic.

I might be out of noodles.

I think I will go digging in the cold cold bad bad box for vegetables.

I didn’t get very far.  For one thing, I overdid it in every way possible on Tuesday/Wednesday, so I didn’t have a lot of energy.  Also, with the new boots (and they would be the only footwear I took with me) I have to be kind of careful to do enough to break them in and build up calluses, but not enough to give myself blisters that will make walking miserable until they heal.  Also, I forgot my phone, and it was kind of discouraging to see all kinds of amazing things and not be able to take pictures. 

I wound up in a children’s playground for a little while.  No one under fourteen was permitted to use the equipment, I managed to glean from the sign, so no swingset for me, but I walked through the park and started finding... well, I found gravestones.  About a dozen or so, not as many as I would expect in a cemetery, but rather more than I expect in a children’s playground.  They appeared to be all from the 20th century, all adults as far as I could see, many of them in pairs.  At least one was all but obscured by a massive tree, some kind of conifer that I don’t know well but looked a little like cedar.  Like someone had planted a sapling in front of the grave, and it had grown up to overtake it.  I had the playground to myself, and hope I wasn’t doing anything disrespectful by inspecting the graves.  I did right someone’s flowers that had fallen over.

I came back to the hotel with the intention to wait for my appointment with my new supervisor, but half an hour beforehand, I realized I would have to eat something, preferably fruit.  I ended up scouring the neighbourhood, only to go into the little butcher shop to which the (remember, meat-themed) hotel is attached.  I came out with a container of sauerkraut, and my supervisor was waiting for me. 

He very kindly drove me to my new apartment, small but ideal for my situation, and then he gave me a tour of the campus and the neighbourhood.  He even took me to a grocery store so I could stock up a little, although I forgot my carefully made shopping list and just revelled in cheese and fruit and smoked mackerel and yogurt.  I peppered him with questions about the city, the university, and German culture, and he very patiently answered.  He also introduced me to some colleagues that we ran into on campus. 

One of the things I’m going to have to adjust to here is the opening hours.  I thought Espanola’s weren’t great to begin with, and they only got worse after covid.  Here, though, the bakery across the street is open for a couple of hours in the morning and a couple in the afternoon, twice per week.  The university cafeteria is open for three hours per day on weekdays.  The library closes at 7.  And the hotel restaurant is open for 2.5 hours per day, so when I got back and they were open, naturally I leapt at it.  Shrimp with noodles and dill sauce that night, and tomato soup for a vegetable.  I’d meant to take dessert back to my room, and have it later when I felt hungry again, but dessert was ice cream with preserved cherries, and it wouldn’t keep and I couldn’t say no, especially when the proprietor gave me the lesson in pronunciation, which I promptly forgot.

The sauerkraut had to wait, then, until about five this morning, when I woke up, I won’t say hungry, but at least able to eat again.  It had soaked through my new backpack. 

Today was my last breakfast here, because, the owner said, they couldn’t get anyone to come in to cook on Saturday morning.  Today was mostly the same as yesterday, although the juice was straight orange, and there was much more coffee.  I think they had concluded from my finishing the pot yesterday that there wasn’t enough, when the truth is that I was still dehydrated and very averse to food waste.  So, today instead of four cups I had to drink seven, and in truth I’m a little relieved that there’s no breakfast tomorrow, because I’m worried about being caught up in some kind of coffee arms race.  

I kind of feel like I ought to be exploring more, but I have to keep reminding myself that I have two years to get to know this place, and I have to last a full month here before my first paycheque.  Plus, next week is packed.  Paperwork and appointments and introductions and TWO conferences.  It probably makes more sense to be stingy with my resources right now.  It’s okay; I have plenty to do right here, and some of it is fun.  Silvia Moreno Garcia’s Mexican Gothic, for example, has been haunting and lovely so far, and when I finish that I have approximately 230 other books stored on my phone.  

I have NO shame. This has been on my mind for a while now so...