the feeling of going back to my ocs/world building and getting to pick through everything with new ideas and figure out the smallest details and logistics? i actually feel like i have a brain again after mindlessly wandering through work and feeling stupid for not being able to think straight!
i know i need to give myself a bit of grace with work - dysautonomia has fucked up my comprehension skills with brain fog and fatigue, i don't do well with the long days or working full-time, and socially it's a lot too, so sure, i'm going to be drained - but going from being a gifted kid to barely being able to form my own opinions is kinda devastating! i end up coasting through and maybe having one moment where i do something meaningful, but then it's straight back to admin bc i just can't think anymore
even if i could only do a couple hours of brainstorming today, it felt so good to have that stimulation. thinking creatively and drawing on different inspiration and bringing my logic brain into it and overthinking things that dont necessarily matter overall but matter to me and having fun with it, etc... i was going to draw but i dont think i'd be happy with my output right now and i don't want to put myself under that stress for the sake of a creative outlet. but this was good and i don't need to be upset that art isn't my only "thing" anymore
i need something to keep me going that relies only on me - i've focused on too much externally with work, friendships, my relationship, family, etc... without realising how numb it's made me internally. but now i have realised it! so i can do something about it!
idk what this was other than a stupidly long public rant, but in conclusion: fuck covid, fuck dysautonomia, fuck depression. but also creativity is a serious lifeline and i need to invest in it. and also thank you to my wonderful girlfriend for making arts and crafts important to me. and now i'm going to shower and play tomodachi until i'm too tired to stay awake ♡
