amo amas amate

lovers i’ve loved

& now

can’t remember them

not even names

tho’ i’m sure there’s

a note somewhere

an old diary

scuffed corners notebook

registering the heat

when they left

maybe some shame

as the anger

drove them/me to leave

& then

there are names

carved into my heart

scars on psyche’

from those few

who attached themselves

like twisted vines

made me warped

to leave become strangers

if at times

i can sound bitter

about these sweet few

they taught me

so many things that i forget

what the lessons were

to incorporate them

into this

with this

child of mine

she thinks

where i talk

of hard times

is when her mother

& me parted

& bless

i don’t ever

disagree

if the hard times

came later in

the starting over

holding nothing

but time

& expecting

life for others

to be

much the same

which it never was

she feels sad

for me for herself

never knowing

the real reasons

why i left

tho’ her mother

has hints to give

bearing no relation

to the what was

such ignorance

is bliss

he calls me

after that conversation

late in the night

refreshments having been taken

me waxing poetical on saudades

that Portuguese word

me having my own

missing person romance

& him not listening

to top notes

but getting the melody

bittersweet underneath

call her he said

like that would be easy

not taking into account

me moving on her getting along

being different people now

time’s erosion

frozen winds

dead salt & poor living

creating other shapes

in each other

that might be more

than a little mistake

not fitting together

like we were once

i smell cowardice he says

excuses & poor reasons

amongst that bullshit

you being afraid

to be where you need be

he’s nudging

hinting

at something

wanting dirt

on her

his ex boss

suggesting

i might have done

the low & dirty

with her

& now

he’s wanting gossip

stuff he can

put on repeat

to anybody might

know her

not that

i have much to tell

less to show

yet i don’t

give a damn

as there was

nothing much

between us

beyond

the half dreams

stupid people have

& fail to create

so i tell him

nothing happened

as there’s the truth

stop to eat

ushered to a seat

I see a blonde head

er can i sit over there?

i’m asking nice

to be out of her sightline

there she is older

hair thinner face worn

yet fatter with bloat

the kind that booze brings

with her surfer she loved more

he’s gained weight

still got the straggly ‘tache

skinny rat thin pony tail

& bald spots now

my girl sits opposite

faffs around to order

should i this? should i?

i have the patience now

recognising these dramas

as only precursors & wait

while checking out

over her shoulder

the blonde & surfer boy

seeing him slouch going off

to order more drinks

thinking yep that’s her

she can still pack ‘em away

& the best bits of any of this is

she doesn’t see me

& i’m not bitter at all

beaming down on me

got messages for you

Andy says hello

& i’m thinking Andy

wtf is Andy?

sat behind you

she says all secure

there at school

& i’m shaking my head no

your grandad says hello

how’s that watch?

that one landed

memory of thin gold

worn through to brass

yeah i say the watch

he just wanted

to say hello

let you know tho’

you never knew him

he never forgot

about you

& she walked off

others to talk to

& later the memory

comes back on Andy

married my first crush

whatever her name was

& now he’s dead?

what a way to find out

that nice kid behind me

had gone on

called the DJ

Saturday night

can you please play

all along the watchtower

for Davey?

sure he says

any message?

nah just the song

mention his name

iffen you would

is he a resident?

working here?

anything else

i can say?

no no i go

just the tune

iffen you please

he’s just passing through

staying a little while

he’ll be listening

quiet Sunday night

listens without fail

i think the penny dropped

he asked nothing more

played the song

for Davey passing through

no other words

necessary needed

for poor old Davey

Sunday night sat quiet

serving time in the county jail

ah you’re a cynic

said in that dismissive tone

that implies

you are wrong to feel this way

that they hold the high ground

have you? i ask

walked an inch

in these brogues

lifted a finger?

when all institutions

swarmed me

refused to comply

with their own

terms of service?

but no

being labelled a cynic

i knew he’d never dare

question anything outside

his own comfort zone

care for anybody but No.1

but he’d moved on

as they do when losing

these are the issues

when dealing with fools

they think only they

make the rules

i pulled him back

to earlier remarks

the hypocrisy of his rules

doing whatever he wanted

fuck anybody else

show me the higher ground?