to the fore or background?

doesn’t matter she says

waving a hand

it’s all the same

i just can’t commit

fizzle out on

unfinished sentences

to go on into or to go back is

much the same

& the now is frustrating

i just don’t know

what to do anymore

i scratch her head

rub her neck

might this be anger

coming out awkwardly?

i ask all naïve

don’t you see? she says

life is so difficult

& here we agree

if i find her wasteful

spending time in

this circular thinking

he’s venting now on

his loneliness

restaurants that

turn him away

no seating only for one

not a table por favor

a view on the patio

where couples eat plat d’jour

the fear growing of few

opportunities coming

with the nice ladies

his growing family

3 kids & grandkids

having to sit through birthdays

Christmases with people who

mean little or nothing to you

them having taken

her side in the split

i’m listening rapt

this could be me or you

if we’d taken a different path

stopped for a second to sniff

missed the daffodils of spring

some time

had gone by

friends of yours

asked me why

as you were such

a great girl

& yeah was all

i could say

that i was

not enough for her

all that self doubt

she held in spades

dark pit of despair

meant my care

would be never enough

any loving i gave

just kept on disappearing

into that dark hole

so if i gave up

on that great girl

all of that was

upon me because

i was not enough

amo amas amate

lovers i’ve loved

& now

can’t remember them

not even names

tho’ i’m sure there’s

a note somewhere

an old diary

scuffed corners notebook

registering the heat

when they left

maybe some shame

as the anger

drove them/me to leave

& then

there are names

carved into my heart

scars on psyche’

from those few

who attached themselves

like twisted vines

made me warped

to leave become strangers

if at times

i can sound bitter

about these sweet few

they taught me

so many things that i forget

what the lessons were

to incorporate them

into this

with this

child of mine

she thinks

where i talk

of hard times

is when her mother

& me parted

& bless

i don’t ever

disagree

if the hard times

came later in

the starting over

holding nothing

but time

& expecting

life for others

to be

much the same

which it never was

she feels sad

for me for herself

never knowing

the real reasons

why i left

tho’ her mother

has hints to give

bearing no relation

to the what was

such ignorance

is bliss

he calls me

after that conversation

late in the night

refreshments having been taken

me waxing poetical on saudades

that Portuguese word

me having my own

missing person romance

& him not listening

to top notes

but getting the melody

bittersweet underneath

call her he said

like that would be easy

not taking into account

me moving on her getting along

being different people now

time’s erosion

frozen winds

dead salt & poor living

creating other shapes

in each other

that might be more

than a little mistake

not fitting together

like we were once

i smell cowardice he says

excuses & poor reasons

amongst that bullshit

you being afraid

to be where you need be

he’s nudging

hinting

at something

wanting dirt

on her

his ex boss

suggesting

i might have done

the low & dirty

with her

& now

he’s wanting gossip

stuff he can

put on repeat

to anybody might

know her

not that

i have much to tell

less to show

yet i don’t

give a damn

as there was

nothing much

between us

beyond

the half dreams

stupid people have

& fail to create

so i tell him

nothing happened

as there’s the truth

stop to eat

ushered to a seat

I see a blonde head

er can i sit over there?

i’m asking nice

to be out of her sightline

there she is older

hair thinner face worn

yet fatter with bloat

the kind that booze brings

with her surfer she loved more

he’s gained weight

still got the straggly ‘tache

skinny rat thin pony tail

& bald spots now

my girl sits opposite

faffs around to order

should i this? should i?

i have the patience now

recognising these dramas

as only precursors & wait

while checking out

over her shoulder

the blonde & surfer boy

seeing him slouch going off

to order more drinks

thinking yep that’s her

she can still pack ‘em away

& the best bits of any of this is

she doesn’t see me

& i’m not bitter at all