Inspired by @everlovingt, I present to you, the galaxy's most unhinged wedding:
Ivan pointed. “By, Rish, you stand on either side, facing each other. You’re the witnesses, so watch.” “I doubt I’ll be able to look away,” murmured Byerly, holstering his stunner as well and stepping up to his assigned spot. “It’ll be just like watching a monorail wreck.” Rish rolled her eyes—in agreement?—and took her place opposite. “All right, I’ll go first,” said Ivan to his bride-to-be, “and then I’ll coach you through your part. Wording’s about the same. ‘I, Ivan Xav Vorpatril, being of sound mind and body—’” “That’s for wills, Ivan,” muttered By. “I thought you said you knew this stuff?” Ivan ignored him and plowed on. “Do take thee, uh . . . what did you say your name was, again?” By buried his face in his hands. Tej repeated it. All of it. “Do take thee, Akuti Tejaswini Jyoti ghem Estif Arqua”—and he’d got the pronunciation right the first time, and didn’t even choke on the ghem part, hah!—“to be my spouse and helpmeet, forsaking all others . . .” The core of the oath was only three sentences. He got them out somehow, and coached Tej through her half. “. . . do take thee, Ivan Xav Vorpatril, to be my spouse . . .” Her hands were shaking, held in his. So were his. “And that’s it!” said Ivan. “We now pronounce each other spouse and spouse, before these witnesses, and I get to kiss you. Again. For the first time. Because before, you kissed me, right?” He locked himself to her lips, rolling his eyes as By stepped forward and swept a break through the groat barrier with his shoe. They swung out of the circle together, Byerly stretched his neck and pecked her on the cheek in passing, and six irate, swearing Komarrans stumbled over each other out of Ivan’s hallway and advanced upon them, stunners at the ready. Ivan drew a wad of cash from his wallet, thrust it into the startled Rish’s hand, and added, “You’re hired. Officially.” And, as a uniformed woman reached out to seize Tej, who shrank away, Ivan continued in a forceful bellow modeled directly on Count Falco: “Unhand Lady Vorpatril!”
