Inspired by @everlovingt, I present to you, the galaxy's most unhinged wedding:
Ivan pointed. βBy, Rish, you stand on either side, facing each other. Youβre the witnesses, so watch.β βI doubt Iβll be able to look away,β murmured Byerly, holstering his stunner as well and stepping up to his assigned spot. βItβll be just like watching a monorail wreck.β Rish rolled her eyesβin agreement?βand took her place opposite. βAll right, Iβll go first,β said Ivan to his bride-to-be, βand then Iβll coach you through your part. Wordingβs about the same. βI, Ivan Xav Vorpatril, being of sound mind and bodyβββ βThatβs for wills, Ivan,β muttered By. βI thought you said you knew this stuff?β Ivan ignored him and plowed on. βDo take thee, uh . . . what did you say your name was, again?β By buried his face in his hands. Tej repeated it. All of it. βDo take thee, Akuti Tejaswini Jyoti ghem Estif Arquaββand heβd got the pronunciation right the first time, and didnβt even choke on the ghem part, hah!ββto be my spouse and helpmeet, forsaking all others . . .β The core of the oath was only three sentences. He got them out somehow, and coached Tej through her half. β. . . do take thee, Ivan Xav Vorpatril, to be my spouse . . .β Her hands were shaking, held in his. So were his. βAnd thatβs it!β said Ivan. βWe now pronounce each other spouse and spouse, before these witnesses, and I get to kiss you. Again. For the first time. Because before, you kissed me, right?β He locked himself to her lips, rolling his eyes as By stepped forward and swept a break through the groat barrier with his shoe. They swung out of the circle together, Byerly stretched his neck and pecked her on the cheek in passing, and six irate, swearing Komarrans stumbled over each other out of Ivanβs hallway and advanced upon them, stunners at the ready. Ivan drew a wad of cash from his wallet, thrust it into the startled Rishβs hand, and added, βYouβre hired. Officially.β And, as a uniformed woman reached out to seize Tej, who shrank away, Ivan continued in a forceful bellow modeled directly on Count Falco: βUnhand Lady Vorpatril!β
