#;yt

dua lipa’s album is groovy, full of synths and disco beats, but more importantly, bass. he got hooked on it for that reason, such dominant and important bass lines more of a rarity in popular music these days. he managed to listen to it frequently in the early part of april, but since sungwoon’s enlistment, it felt too happy, like salt in wounds that couldn’t heal fast enough. 

he wrote a song, listened to songs about heartbreak, lamented over failing an audition, likely due to the build up of stress from the month. he tells himself it’s time to move on in all meanings of the phrase, even though he knows it’s easier said than done. he doesn’t know if he’ll ever move on from sungwoon, but he also knows he has a tendency to be dramatic. at least it’ll be more fodder for songs he can write-- songs about heartbreak, songs about being in love forever, songs about not moving on, and then eventually, maybe, songs about moving on too. the part of him that loves songwriting almost looks forward to seeing that evolution. 

he wonders what his life will look like in a year. will he still be heartbroken? will he still be a trainee? will he still have the friends he does now? daniel of a year ago-- daniel who just released an album with his band --couldn’t have imagined his life ending up like this. 

worse. it’s so much worse. why did he ruin all of it? why did he insist they sign up for the mgas? why did he put everything on the line for greed? they didn’t need more fans. he would’ve been happy performing their songs to 30 people in underground clubs if he had to; they all would’ve, he knows. they could’ve promoted their album all summer, and started working on more songs, and released another one in two more years. maybe sungwoon would’ve been so happy with them that he wouldn’t have enlisted. maybe, maybe, maybe.

he wonders if he’ll ever forgive himself for it. he wonders, too, if they’ll ever be friends like they were again. sometimes he hears hyunggu’s voice saying maybe it’s a way of the world saying you need to branch out and not only rely on the same four people for your entire life, and then he remembers all of the people he started relying on leaving, hyunggu included, and it all turns bitter.

sometimes he hears woong’s voice saying god never gives you more than you can handle, too, and he has to believe there’s a reason for it all. he remembers the people that are still here: haknyeon, woong, eunwoo-- some of the most important ones, but not the only ones.

he starts writing lists of things he’s thankful for in the back of his notebook, working back to front. one day, the song lyrics and thank you notes will meet, and maybe they’ll combine into a song of gratitude for everything he still has in his life. he doesn’t want to wallow. he knows he’s done too much of it in the past year. 

somehow, this loss isn’t as bad as the loss of empty enigma, even if it brings the mourning back. maybe it’s because he knew for months, and had time to prepare-- time to love sungwoon knowing that time would run out, four months of loving as hard as he could and giving it the very best he had. that was one thing he could never regret. 

it still hurts, but eventually, he can listen to happy music again, and he falls back into the bass lines of the future nostalgia album. he needs something different, and he had absent minded thoughts of covering a song for this album before, so why not all of them? it’ll just be him on the bass, no vocals, no original rap-- a medley of bass, and that’s all. 

        ⊰ ✞ CACTUS IN THE VALLEY ; written, composed and sang by daniel & songhee                ☇ if my yesterday is a disgrace, tell me that you still recall my name ⊱

 here's an original song, and the first of a few you'll see over the course of the weekend! thank you to songhee for writing and singing this with me, and playing it with me the past few weeks, and to sophie for helping learn the cello.

 this song grew really close to my heart while we recorded it, and i hope you like it even if it's a little different from what you're used to.

 matthew 18:12

 before the end of the mgas, he prayed. he prayed for everything to happen as it should, but somehow, only had two options in mind: empty enigma stays together, or he gets a contract. of course, neither of those things happened in the end. after all the pain, daniel can understand why. daniel's job as a christian is supposed to be to reflect jesus, and cameo didn't really do that, aside from one song that made it on their album. this way, he didn't have to worry about how to glorify him as a trainee, because he wasn't one.

 now, he's still not really sure how god's plan or mission or what have you will benefit from him signing to sphere, but there's not that possibility of turning down a contract anymore. as always, god knew what he was doing.

 in that prayer before the finale, he said that he would write a ton of songs about him, regardless of what happened. he hasn't done as good of a job at that as he should've, but at least there's this.

 daniel and songhee wrote cactus in the valley together after the green ribbon festival. they decided after their performance there that they made a pretty good duo, and decided to make it official-- or semi-official. if they lasted longer, maybe they would've come up with a name. they got so far as writing a song together and playing shows every weekend, and it sated something in daniel's soul-- an unaddressed unrest dwelling there following the mgas and empty enigma's demise. they wrote it as an acoustic arrangement, with songhee on the piano, and daniel on the cello-- a relatively new instrument for him, basics learned thanks to sophie and polished now for the sake of an original version that would never make it to the stage because daniel's cello skills weren't that good.

 on stage, it's different-- songhee with a guitar and daniel on bass, mainly because it would be hard for daniel to sing while on cello, aside from the fact that he plays instruments he still isn't entirely comfortable with better with several takes. live, he doesn't have that luxury. in the recording studio, however, it's different, and he hopes people won't be disappointed by the song in its original form.

 (he thinks both the cello and piano are beautiful, and he's glad he took the challenge of writing a song for them. he wants to get better.)

 songhee sings the second verse, and one of his favorite lines of the song, and one he can only aspire to: if this whole world goes up in arms all i do is can stand, and i won't fight for anyone until you move my hand.

 ultimately, it's a song about god. it's about all of daniel's struggles to stand and all of his drifting-- all of his attempts to survive on his own and his world crashing down. it's all of the change, and the fact that that's not god, and there is a consistency that he never realized before, or never relied on. there's a love he'll always have and that he too often takes for granted, and the least he can do is write this song and release it to anyone that will listen. it's up to them how to interpret it, but for daniel, it is a i'm sorry you always need to remind me how much you love me, but thank you. i know i'll never deserve it, but i get it anyway.

                        ⊰ ✞ AUTOMATIC ; lyrics by yuzu, composed and sung by daniel                        ☇ i'm lost, out of place, i'm hooked on every single word you say ⊱

these lyrics were written by choi yena! i had a demo of this instrumental not so long after the mgas, and she had lyrics already written that ended up matching to it well. a little bit of rehashing the instrumental (or a lot) and here it is! enjoy ^_^

 automatic is a little experimental for him. it's a step out of his comfort zone of band-oriented or acoustic sound, with a little more touch of pop and edm. of course, he wrote in a heavy bass line too, and it drives the entire song. it's what he wrote it all around, too.

 he hasn't uploaded the song yet because he sang it, then mastered it, and hated how it turned out. he didn't even bother to share it with yuzu, and instead, left it to rot to eventually return to with a refreshed mind and different perspective. it was neglected in favor of other unfinished songs that his fans may never hear, so he dusts automatic off because it's near finished, and he'd be doing yuzu a disservice to not release the song they wrote together.

 he goes back to the studio, and plays more with the instrumental, stripping it down to just the bass line again, seeing what it'll sound like if he starts over.

 he thinks the lyrics are something most people can relate to. it's the attraction to a person when the relationship may be ending, or when it's already over-- the lack of direction without them, and why they still want to follow them. daniel didn't ask yuzu what she wrote the song about. he could assume enough, and for daniel, the meanings behind songs were always personal. when he wrote lyrics for his songs on his own, he didn't even share the meanings of some of them with empty enigma, and they were (still are) his closest friends.

 plus, these lyrics are pretty straightforward.

 he overhauls the instrumental, and feels a little guilty because it'll sound so different from what yuzu heard from him before. it's probably better like this though: an instrumental built around the lyrics instead of two separate pieces coming together. he likes it better.

 "finally have automatic mastered. check it out and see what you think. it ended up pretty different '^^" he sends in a message, song file attached.

 yuzu shares her liking of it with great enthusiasm, and daniel is relieved. he uploads it with satisfaction in finally having a finished product.

                           ⊰ ✞ SUSPENSION ; written, composed and sung by daniel                      ☇ this sky feeling i get when you're near, i'd give up gravity to feel ⊱

here's another original, and this one's all mine. i wrote it a while ago, actually, but i think now is the perfect time for it to find its way to you.

 suspension still feels too personal to upload, but that's precisely why he needs to. it's an important song to him-- too much so to keep to himself.

 he wrote suspension in the week following empty enigma's final show, when sungwoon ran off to japan. it was what he did instead of getting mad, and to cope with the ridiculous feeling of how much he missed him, and wished he was with him. it was what he did while waiting for him to come home so he could tell him how much he loved him (and in the end, he still couldn't wait until then.)

 he's held back from posting it anywhere because he's embarrassed. sometimes, it's still hard to admit he even has these feelings, and he thinks it would be for anyone. he's only been writing songs for a year and a half, and he never wrote a song for someone before. then again, suspension isn't for sungwoon-- it's about him, but it's for daniel. it's not the first song he wrote about sungwoon either, but this one feels different. maybe it's because it's the first song he wrote about sungwoon knowing he loves him.

 he hasn't even played it for anyone else, he's so self-conscious of it. it's not because he thinks the lyrics or melody are bad, just because...it's a part of his heart that he hasn't shared with anyone. it's a look into him that he doesn't show. kenta knows the guitar part; he played it for him when he got home from training one day to daniel camped out on their sofa, playing through chords. minhyun probably caught a lot of it from daniel singing over the lyrics absently.

 soon, everyone will know it. he tries to steel himself in advance, but he knows he'll always be a little nervous.

 it's just him and his acoustic guitar in the studio for this one, recording it for the first time despite the months it's been completed, and there's something cathartic about finally doing it.

 now, knowing he'll become a trainee and feel so distant from his previous life, it hits a little closer to home. daniel didn't know it was possible.

 there is so much more he wants to do. there's a panic-- a preemptive mourning of all the songs no one will ever hear. surely there's more he can finish up and upload without taking too long. there comes a point where he'll feel like he's taking advantage of baek jiyoung's grace in offering him a contract for his own self-serving reasons.

 he can't help but think of all of those empty enigma songs that didn't make between fear and faith-- the other 30 he wrote in preparation for it. they talked of polishing them and including some on their next album, and some of them he doesn't like anymore, but others...losing empty enigma was painful enough, but so was losing all of their unreleased songs to the void of their main composers becoming trainees with contracts that forbade the release of original music.

 there's one song in particular: daniel's favorite song he wrote in the build up to between fear and faith, actually. it's the one he had his mind set on to perform if the mga finale had solo rounds. how can he not share it on his youtube and soundcloud if he was willing to perform it in front of a live audience, on live television?

 the only problem: kenta and woojin helped him compose this song.

                    ⊰ ✞ NO ORDINARY LOVE ; written, composed and sung by daniel                       ☇ come back to me love, i forgive you, oh how i've missed you ⊱

i originally wrote this to be on the between fear and faith album, but we ultimately decided other songs fit better. it's still one of my favorites i've ever written, and since you won't get to hear it on an album, why not hear it like this? it's different than it would be played by an awesome band, but i did my best. this is a cameo only zone.

 he does the natural thing, and pulls a vanilla ice, slightly altering the song's composition just enough that it isn't quite the same song anymore, but could be accused of plagiarism. he would say it wouldn't matter, he could just upload it even though kenta and woojin took part in writing it, but he now knows sphere watches his youtube channel, and he doesn't want to risk it.

 so he reigns things in, changes the screaming originally written in for a rap, and without woojin to record a drum part, it's already essentially a different song. daniel can barely play the drums at all, let alone to woojin's level, so he doesn't even bother, and leaves that to his trusty drum machine to do the best work of its life. the rest, however, daniel can do: bass part, two guitar parts, vocals. squall who?

 more than an empty enigma song, it's another song about god. he wrote this one significantly earlier than cactus in the valley, of course-- not so long after he moved out of his mom's house and into his own apartment, when he started growing into his own skin and his own person for the first time. away from her, he could finally disassociate church from her iron fist and constant criticisms. until then, he thought god saw him the same way: as someone that always fell short, disappointing, worthy of endless rebuke, impatient and unforgiving.

 he learned better, and it was an eye-opening and...emotional process for him. he wrote no ordinary love about that process, and what he discovered: god waited for him to come to him, and greeted him with love and mercy even though it took him so long to, and to mean it. he didn't deserve it, but he got it anyway.

 this feels like the perfect ending to daniel the singer-songwriter online. it's a callback to empty enigma, and a song for god after he told him he would write more about him. he started on one and he'll end on one, and maybe it's this song that is the truest reflection of his heart.

 it's then, putting the final finishing touches up on the recording, that he realizes this is the real end of cameo. he doubts sphere will want him to return, and it's bittersweet, because with this, he realizes, like he did in his sphere audition, that he doesn't need him anymore. he doesn't have to create a cooler alter ego-- doesn't need to create a separate identity to enjoy music or be able to perform. he doesn't need to pretend to be someone he isn't to be liked; he doesn't need him to be brave and to be bold. maybe daniel has learned to take all of those qualities for himself without hanging onto a mask.

 it's still hard to let go. when he finishes, and starts the upload, his chest feels tight and his heart is in his throat. empty enigma was over before, but somehow, knowing he's about to sign a sphere contract makes it realer than ever.

 with the song he's releasing, a moment like this calls for prayer, however quick it may be. thank you. i wouldn't be me without them, and without cameo, and i finally like who that is. because of them, and because of you, i'm finally ready to face whatever comes next.

NOTES:

daniel and sungwoon both like 5 seconds of summer. daniel has known this since he prepared an acoustic cover of youngblood for his nova audition around this time last year, only to axe it in favor of singing that cursed charlie puth song he never should’ve sang. (if hyunbin didn’t want him after all of his performances on the mgas this year, however, he doubts he could’ve done anything differently to change his mind back then. at least he made peace with something.)

the idea to cover teeth was a bit of a collaboration in itself-- daniel reaching out to the others upon the song’s release to cover it with him, naturally, obsessed with the bass line. sungwoon agreed to do it with him, but then the idea stalled by the time they roped minhyun into it. they got busy with other things, but they could’ve made time for it if they really wanted to. as much as daniel wanted to cover it, and as much as he wanted to play music with his friends again, there still wasn’t something quite right about only playing with minhyun and sungwoon. teeth didn’t have heavy drums, and they didn’t need two guitarists to cover it, but...

he knew if he wanted to play any music with any of them they’d need to get over the hurdle of the first cover without kenta and woojin. maybe they just weren’t ready yet. daniel forgot about it in favor of writing songs.

sungwoon, however, didn’t forget, and brought it up again in early october, pitching it as a halloween project, to daniel’s surprise. this time, it wasn’t just him and minhyun, but it was to all of them, and everyone agreed. daniel was overjoyed. he didn’t let himself get too carried away-- to drift too far into it feeling like they were never apart as they practiced-- but he savored the time, sure to enjoy it, time to play with them further never guaranteed. they would practice together on weekends, renting out their old practice space just like old times after kenta and woojin came back from training. 

they picked it up pretty quickly, but daniel still brought his (newly purchased) acoustic bass over to their apartment to play through his parts with the others when they were home, both for practice and because it was fun. they were going to do a full band version for their official cover video, but a couple secret acoustic versions never hurt anyone.

the video itself isn’t too elaborate; they have neither the time nor money for that, really, but they covered their practice space in spooky plastic sheets, and enlisted the help of some friends to film their special halloween cover.

daniel would like to think that this is the first of many unofficial empty enigma covers post-mgas. there was nothing in kenta and woojin’s contracts that said they couldn’t still play music together, only that they couldn’t release original music anymore and that they didn’t want them performing under the empty enigma name. they could bend those rules whenever woojin and kenta had the time and energy, and daniel would be happy to anytime. if it’s just a one-off thing, however, he’ll take and treasure that much, too.

the trademark of teeth is the bass line that drives it, and daniel opens their cover with it (and it’s an honor.) woojin kicks in with the drums, quick hits in between his bass riff, and for a few measures it’s just them-- something like a team sphere classic. the guitar builds up, then fades, peaks, then drops out, back to daniel and his bass with only sungwoon’s voice.

daniel, thankfully, couldn’t relate to teeth’s lyrics-- could gladly say he only wanted to cover it because it sounded cool. if he could attach the lyrics to a certain memory, it probably wouldn’t have been nearly as fun, content considered.

for the build up to the chorus, it’s different-- a low, growing guitar, and daniel lends his voice as backup to sungwoon, taking the lower harmony.

call me in the morning to apologize every little lie gives me butterflies something in the way you're looking through my eyes don't know if I'm gonna make it out alive 

sungwoon sings the first half of the chorus alone, then minhyun joins him as the backup vocal for the second half, and then all of them:

never, never, never ever let go

it’s back to sungwoon over daniel’s bass again for the second verse, with the lightest touch of drums from woojin. it’s a fitting song for halloween, a little dark and eerie, and daniel is glad they waited to do this until now, especially if it meant getting all of them together. it’s lighter than their previous sound, but if they’re not empty enigma anymore, there’s no need for them to conform to the typical empty enigma style. it still has a little more bite than the original though, which is saying a lot, because the original has plenty of edge, but they wouldn’t be them if it didn’t. 

this build up and chorus is the same as the last, except maybe they’re a little more into it, and it drops off into a bridge, faint backup vocals from kenta, and then ramps back up into the final explosive chorus.

the instrumental outro is where they really get their chance to shine, save for sungwoon, who already shines plenty every time he opens his mouth. it’s mainly kenta that gets to tear it up on his guitar, layered beautifully over the trademark bass line daniel plays.

never, never, never ever let go

when the video was all edited, they all watched it together, everyone giving it the okay for daniel to do the honors and upload it to his youtube channel. they couldn’t upload anything with kenta and woojin under the empty enigma brand anymore, and they decided it made sense, with daniel being the one of the band most active on youtube now. daniel and his band indeed. they were still empty enigma even if they couldn’t be in name anymore-- even if they weren’t supposed to be a band anymore --at least to daniel.

when it was uploading, naturally, daniel was on their couch, both laptop and guitar close by, and when it was successfully uploaded, he let the others know immediately. he refreshed the page too often to watch the views come in, and updated the others every time they so much as walked past him, clearly excited by this entire venture. 

“those are all your views from refreshing so much,” sungwoon joked, peering at the screen of his laptop like he didn’t believe him.

“are not,” daniel argued with a grin. “okay! i’ll stop refreshing and check again tomorrow. i have to study for a test anyway.”