⊰ ✞ CACTUS IN THE VALLEY ; written, composed and sang by daniel & songhee                ☇ if my yesterday is a disgrace, tell me that you still recall my name ⊱

 here's an original song, and the first of a few you'll see over the course of the weekend! thank you to songhee for writing and singing this with me, and playing it with me the past few weeks, and to sophie for helping learn the cello.

 this song grew really close to my heart while we recorded it, and i hope you like it even if it's a little different from what you're used to.

 matthew 18:12

 before the end of the mgas, he prayed. he prayed for everything to happen as it should, but somehow, only had two options in mind: empty enigma stays together, or he gets a contract. of course, neither of those things happened in the end. after all the pain, daniel can understand why. daniel's job as a christian is supposed to be to reflect jesus, and cameo didn't really do that, aside from one song that made it on their album. this way, he didn't have to worry about how to glorify him as a trainee, because he wasn't one.

 now, he's still not really sure how god's plan or mission or what have you will benefit from him signing to sphere, but there's not that possibility of turning down a contract anymore. as always, god knew what he was doing.

 in that prayer before the finale, he said that he would write a ton of songs about him, regardless of what happened. he hasn't done as good of a job at that as he should've, but at least there's this.

 daniel and songhee wrote cactus in the valley together after the green ribbon festival. they decided after their performance there that they made a pretty good duo, and decided to make it official-- or semi-official. if they lasted longer, maybe they would've come up with a name. they got so far as writing a song together and playing shows every weekend, and it sated something in daniel's soul-- an unaddressed unrest dwelling there following the mgas and empty enigma's demise. they wrote it as an acoustic arrangement, with songhee on the piano, and daniel on the cello-- a relatively new instrument for him, basics learned thanks to sophie and polished now for the sake of an original version that would never make it to the stage because daniel's cello skills weren't that good.

 on stage, it's different-- songhee with a guitar and daniel on bass, mainly because it would be hard for daniel to sing while on cello, aside from the fact that he plays instruments he still isn't entirely comfortable with better with several takes. live, he doesn't have that luxury. in the recording studio, however, it's different, and he hopes people won't be disappointed by the song in its original form.

 (he thinks both the cello and piano are beautiful, and he's glad he took the challenge of writing a song for them. he wants to get better.)

 songhee sings the second verse, and one of his favorite lines of the song, and one he can only aspire to: if this whole world goes up in arms all i do is can stand, and i won't fight for anyone until you move my hand.

 ultimately, it's a song about god. it's about all of daniel's struggles to stand and all of his drifting-- all of his attempts to survive on his own and his world crashing down. it's all of the change, and the fact that that's not god, and there is a consistency that he never realized before, or never relied on. there's a love he'll always have and that he too often takes for granted, and the least he can do is write this song and release it to anyone that will listen. it's up to them how to interpret it, but for daniel, it is a i'm sorry you always need to remind me how much you love me, but thank you. i know i'll never deserve it, but i get it anyway.

                        ⊰ ✞ AUTOMATIC ; lyrics by yuzu, composed and sung by daniel                        ☇ i'm lost, out of place, i'm hooked on every single word you say ⊱

these lyrics were written by choi yena! i had a demo of this instrumental not so long after the mgas, and she had lyrics already written that ended up matching to it well. a little bit of rehashing the instrumental (or a lot) and here it is! enjoy ^_^

 automatic is a little experimental for him. it's a step out of his comfort zone of band-oriented or acoustic sound, with a little more touch of pop and edm. of course, he wrote in a heavy bass line too, and it drives the entire song. it's what he wrote it all around, too.

 he hasn't uploaded the song yet because he sang it, then mastered it, and hated how it turned out. he didn't even bother to share it with yuzu, and instead, left it to rot to eventually return to with a refreshed mind and different perspective. it was neglected in favor of other unfinished songs that his fans may never hear, so he dusts automatic off because it's near finished, and he'd be doing yuzu a disservice to not release the song they wrote together.

 he goes back to the studio, and plays more with the instrumental, stripping it down to just the bass line again, seeing what it'll sound like if he starts over.

 he thinks the lyrics are something most people can relate to. it's the attraction to a person when the relationship may be ending, or when it's already over-- the lack of direction without them, and why they still want to follow them. daniel didn't ask yuzu what she wrote the song about. he could assume enough, and for daniel, the meanings behind songs were always personal. when he wrote lyrics for his songs on his own, he didn't even share the meanings of some of them with empty enigma, and they were (still are) his closest friends.

 plus, these lyrics are pretty straightforward.

 he overhauls the instrumental, and feels a little guilty because it'll sound so different from what yuzu heard from him before. it's probably better like this though: an instrumental built around the lyrics instead of two separate pieces coming together. he likes it better.

 "finally have automatic mastered. check it out and see what you think. it ended up pretty different '^^" he sends in a message, song file attached.

 yuzu shares her liking of it with great enthusiasm, and daniel is relieved. he uploads it with satisfaction in finally having a finished product.

                           ⊰ ✞ SUSPENSION ; written, composed and sung by daniel                      ☇ this sky feeling i get when you're near, i'd give up gravity to feel ⊱

here's another original, and this one's all mine. i wrote it a while ago, actually, but i think now is the perfect time for it to find its way to you.

 suspension still feels too personal to upload, but that's precisely why he needs to. it's an important song to him-- too much so to keep to himself.

 he wrote suspension in the week following empty enigma's final show, when sungwoon ran off to japan. it was what he did instead of getting mad, and to cope with the ridiculous feeling of how much he missed him, and wished he was with him. it was what he did while waiting for him to come home so he could tell him how much he loved him (and in the end, he still couldn't wait until then.)

 he's held back from posting it anywhere because he's embarrassed. sometimes, it's still hard to admit he even has these feelings, and he thinks it would be for anyone. he's only been writing songs for a year and a half, and he never wrote a song for someone before. then again, suspension isn't for sungwoon-- it's about him, but it's for daniel. it's not the first song he wrote about sungwoon either, but this one feels different. maybe it's because it's the first song he wrote about sungwoon knowing he loves him.

 he hasn't even played it for anyone else, he's so self-conscious of it. it's not because he thinks the lyrics or melody are bad, just because...it's a part of his heart that he hasn't shared with anyone. it's a look into him that he doesn't show. kenta knows the guitar part; he played it for him when he got home from training one day to daniel camped out on their sofa, playing through chords. minhyun probably caught a lot of it from daniel singing over the lyrics absently.

 soon, everyone will know it. he tries to steel himself in advance, but he knows he'll always be a little nervous.

 it's just him and his acoustic guitar in the studio for this one, recording it for the first time despite the months it's been completed, and there's something cathartic about finally doing it.

 now, knowing he'll become a trainee and feel so distant from his previous life, it hits a little closer to home. daniel didn't know it was possible.

 there is so much more he wants to do. there's a panic-- a preemptive mourning of all the songs no one will ever hear. surely there's more he can finish up and upload without taking too long. there comes a point where he'll feel like he's taking advantage of baek jiyoung's grace in offering him a contract for his own self-serving reasons.

 he can't help but think of all of those empty enigma songs that didn't make between fear and faith-- the other 30 he wrote in preparation for it. they talked of polishing them and including some on their next album, and some of them he doesn't like anymore, but others...losing empty enigma was painful enough, but so was losing all of their unreleased songs to the void of their main composers becoming trainees with contracts that forbade the release of original music.

 there's one song in particular: daniel's favorite song he wrote in the build up to between fear and faith, actually. it's the one he had his mind set on to perform if the mga finale had solo rounds. how can he not share it on his youtube and soundcloud if he was willing to perform it in front of a live audience, on live television?

 the only problem: kenta and woojin helped him compose this song.

                    ⊰ ✞ NO ORDINARY LOVE ; written, composed and sung by daniel                       ☇ come back to me love, i forgive you, oh how i've missed you ⊱

i originally wrote this to be on the between fear and faith album, but we ultimately decided other songs fit better. it's still one of my favorites i've ever written, and since you won't get to hear it on an album, why not hear it like this? it's different than it would be played by an awesome band, but i did my best. this is a cameo only zone.

 he does the natural thing, and pulls a vanilla ice, slightly altering the song's composition just enough that it isn't quite the same song anymore, but could be accused of plagiarism. he would say it wouldn't matter, he could just upload it even though kenta and woojin took part in writing it, but he now knows sphere watches his youtube channel, and he doesn't want to risk it.

 so he reigns things in, changes the screaming originally written in for a rap, and without woojin to record a drum part, it's already essentially a different song. daniel can barely play the drums at all, let alone to woojin's level, so he doesn't even bother, and leaves that to his trusty drum machine to do the best work of its life. the rest, however, daniel can do: bass part, two guitar parts, vocals. squall who?

 more than an empty enigma song, it's another song about god. he wrote this one significantly earlier than cactus in the valley, of course-- not so long after he moved out of his mom's house and into his own apartment, when he started growing into his own skin and his own person for the first time. away from her, he could finally disassociate church from her iron fist and constant criticisms. until then, he thought god saw him the same way: as someone that always fell short, disappointing, worthy of endless rebuke, impatient and unforgiving.

 he learned better, and it was an eye-opening and...emotional process for him. he wrote no ordinary love about that process, and what he discovered: god waited for him to come to him, and greeted him with love and mercy even though it took him so long to, and to mean it. he didn't deserve it, but he got it anyway.

 this feels like the perfect ending to daniel the singer-songwriter online. it's a callback to empty enigma, and a song for god after he told him he would write more about him. he started on one and he'll end on one, and maybe it's this song that is the truest reflection of his heart.

 it's then, putting the final finishing touches up on the recording, that he realizes this is the real end of cameo. he doubts sphere will want him to return, and it's bittersweet, because with this, he realizes, like he did in his sphere audition, that he doesn't need him anymore. he doesn't have to create a cooler alter ego-- doesn't need to create a separate identity to enjoy music or be able to perform. he doesn't need to pretend to be someone he isn't to be liked; he doesn't need him to be brave and to be bold. maybe daniel has learned to take all of those qualities for himself without hanging onto a mask.

 it's still hard to let go. when he finishes, and starts the upload, his chest feels tight and his heart is in his throat. empty enigma was over before, but somehow, knowing he's about to sign a sphere contract makes it realer than ever.

 with the song he's releasing, a moment like this calls for prayer, however quick it may be. thank you. i wouldn't be me without them, and without cameo, and i finally like who that is. because of them, and because of you, i'm finally ready to face whatever comes next.

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