#;tidbit

This isn't helping, he thinks hopelessly. He removes his hands from his head, and his eyes blink open to just... stare at his hands. The shaking fatigue that won't leave him. He's getting better, they tell him. He can at least shower on his own now. Stay awake for a larger portion of the day. He can walk again. Bear some extra weight. Still, his presence is dimmer, personality muted, essence broken. He's physically and mentally drained. Emotionally he's...empty.

He sighs again and closes his eyes. He doesn't know why he wallows in his self-pity. He's the one who caused this outcome afterall. Vivian did not spare him when she finally unloaded on him. And she shouldn't have. He'd hurt her. He'd hurt her so bad, and he couldn't even come up with a good reason for why he'd done what he'd done. He didn't mean to, but that didn't matter. He never meant to, but he still did it. Good intentions meant nothing.

Aching bones complain as he finds his way to his feet, but he might as well get up. The throbbing will not go away on its own. He can lie there and suffer, but he's tried of doing that, too.

In the kitchen he fills a glass of cold water and presses it to his forehead. It's a fleeting comfort. He takes a few sips to wet his mouth and soften the nausea. His vision is wobbly and a few colored spots dance here and there as he finds the correct pill bottle. His hands struggle with the cap- an annoyance given it's hardly a difficult one to deal with-

It pops off suddenly and he fumbles, spilling the contents of the bottle on the counter. He deflates. Of course. Why not?

Despondantly, he scoops the pills off the edge of the counter into his cupped plam. He just wanted one singular stupid pill. Maybe two for good measure. Did he have to get his feathers pulled to have that, too?

He's so tired.

He is so, so....

Tired.

He's tired of arguing with Vivian. Of trying the explain the way that he is. He tired of addressing old wounds. Of apologizing over and over and over- he's only ever wanted to do good, and what good has it done- Of dissecting himself to find the root cause, the fix-

He already knows why he's the way he is. It's not some mystery to him. Being self-aware has never solved anything. Being kind...being difficult... the results are always the same. A repeat pattern of trying to do good and be good and wash his hands of his sins, only to pull his hands back with more blood on them than before. A pattern of trying to save and protect but only harming in the process. Selflessness turned selfishness everytime.

He's tired of seeing her cry. He's tired of making her cry. He's tired of living like this. He doesn't want to keep living like this. But where was the way out? Was there a way out? He wasn't sure. He feels so...

Hopeless.

He feels hopeless. Micah, the pillar of strength and hope, feels weak and hopeless and pathetic and ill. Micah, the upright, is a liar. He's guilty. Undone.

Maybe there is no repenting. No mending. No way out.

The pills are blurry in his palm, still not back in the bottle. They feel heavy, despite how small they are.

Maybe. Maybe there is.

◇

Galaxies: Love/Friends  

Milky Way: Who’s your oldest friend? : Does my brother count? If not, Selina.

Andromeda: Do you consider yourself social? : Yeah, I think.

Black Eye Galaxy: Do you believe in love at first sight? : No.

Cartwheel Galaxy: When was your first kiss? : When I was nineteen.

Cigar Galaxy: How’s your flirting skills? : Nonexistent. 

Comet Galaxy: Have you ever had to leave a relationship because someone changed too much? : I wanted to but I stuck it out and in the end it bit me in the ass…but no.

Pinwheel Galaxy: Would you date the last person you talked to? : Selina? Oh, of course. She’s incredible.

Sombrero Galaxy: Do you have a crush right now? : No.

Bode’s Galaxy: Have you ever had a secret admirer? : I’m not entirely sure. The other day I received a strange comment but I didn’t know how to take it.

Sunflower Galaxy: Would you date/make friends with someone out of pity? : No, no I wouldn’t.

Tadpole Galaxy: Would you deny a relationship/friendship? : If it’s nothing but negativity and I’m not happy with the person, yes.

Whirlpool Galaxy: Have you ever cried over a breakup? : Yes.

Other stuff: Wishes

Comet: What’s your big dream? : Travel to all of the places I wish to travel to and live all over the world

Asteroid: What does your dream life look like? : What does this mean? Any food you place in front of me when I’m hungry is my ‘dream food’ because I was dreaming of eating whatever I ordered or made…etc. Oh wait I thought it said dream food. I’m hungry. Also my dream life would be me being fully healthy and still travelling.

Meteor: What’s something you wish you could tell, but can’t? : I can’t say

Nebula: If you could undo one thing in your life, what would it be? : Nothing

Shooting Star: If you could bring back one thing, what would it be? : I would bring ‘back’ a certain person to help me finally have closure

Pulsar: What do you hope to do in the next 10 years? : Travel

Supernova: What’s one thing you want to do before you die? : I hope in the future they’ll have found a cure for my condition so I hope to have overcome it

Quasar: If you could spend the rest of your life with only one person, who would it be? : That’s kind of a complicated question but I suppose Selina

Wormhole: What’s something you wish would happen, but know won’t? : I wish I could take my car to the theater today instead of walking but since it’s not working–