better left unsaid

 〝 yeah? 〞 he stirs, green eyes fixed on sonny, smile ghosting.〝 you gonna save me, church boy? 〞

"maybe you're going to save me." it feels too honest, too on the line of a confession he doesn't want to let slip. too close to honesty. he wants to kiss juli now, pull him in with a hand on the back of his neck, pair them again and quite possibly never let him go. too honest. he flexes his hands to keep them from twitching, and tucks them in his pocket with a shrug. "maybe."

 〝 perfect, 〞 she repeats, smaller now, in voice and stature. 〝 and i'm not just saying that to, like, butter you up or something. 〞

"i don't think anyone is perfect," he shrugs. there is a part of him that believes everyone is going to fuck up eventually, and he is definitely not an exception to that. he knows she's being nice, though, her own clarification helping point him in that direction. "but thank you."

 〝 nobody asked you to, 〞 he intercepts, hands are shoved into his pockets. 〝 you know i'm thinking this thing has run its course. 〞

"yeah," he agrees, not even thinking about it. his nerves are eating him now, pushing him to escape before stefan can say any more, before maverick can hear something else he doesn't want to. "i think so too." he doesn't. he really doesn't believe himself, doesn't believe this is over so easily, not after all this time, but all maverick can do is catalogue the items he has in the apartment, how long it would take to gather everything and get out of there, how long it would take to scurry home and hide there until all the embarrassment has passed.

  〝 what are you talking about? we're not even thirty yet. there's plenty of time just to decide. 〞 beat, a tone more empathetic. 〝 it might not feel like it but we have our whole lives in front of us. 〞

"c'mon, you're in a relationship, you're someone who CAN get pregnant. none of that is for me. i lived like all my lives when i was a teenager, shit, thirty-five would be good enough for me at this point." he's not being negative when he says it either. it feels honest and realistic.

 〝 not like that. 〞

a laugh escapes him before he can even realize it was bubbling out. of course. of course stefan doesn't like him LIKE THAT. maverick is fuckable, sure, but not someone to date. not someone to be seen in public with. he runs a hand over his face, amusement in his voice as he speaks, "we could have done the fuck buddy thing, but... but i'm not fucking—committing to being a boyfriend if you can't stand the thought of dating me." it's a lie mostly. he's never had multiple partners, not at once, but he's angry enough to imagine it. imagine sleeping with someone else just to push it in stefan's face.

 〝 one thing at a time, 〞 she pivots. 〝 do you want kids? 〞

maverick shrugged, he really hadn't ever thought of having kids, like not an actual consideration of them until right now really, but he figures that should have been a decision made longer ago. "i don't know," he shrugs, honestly this time. "i think all that died long ago."

" well, i'll stop you there and just say if you're homophobic i can't watch veggie tales with you. and i don't want to show you any movies. "

"no ! no. i'm not. my dad was, definitely, but i don't know. if god loves all, then he really LOVES ALL. i'd raise my future family without those... feelings my father had. "

" you'd probably get along with my sister better. she's out here somewhere nearby highlighting passages in her bible, i'm sure. you go to church in town? i probably carved a four letter word under a pew you've sat on when i was fourteen. "

he ignores the rest of her words, though does make note to eventually find this sister. he's always looking for new friends. "could always come back," he shrugs. "have you lived here your whole life ? "

 〝 you know you come pretty close, right? 〞

he thinks about his own mom, her wine tendencies after work. he'd never had the same taste for those things, most evenings after work spent de-stressing in the gym. the relationship he had with his parents was atypical, at least compared to that of the people he used to attend high school with, but it had never been a bother. they made things work, all living parallel lives unbothered, but he always thought it was interesting to see the other side of things. he realizes he's drifted when she speaks and he's not sure what mj is referring to. "close to what ? "

"Sure." It feels a bit like bait sometimes, being asked to play a song he likes, because Lou knows he'll get irritated if the other doesn't like it. Still, hook, line, and sinker. He plays Leave me Alone by New Order, nodding his head slightly to the beat. Makes Jump listen to all four minutes and forty-one seconds of it before he puts his phone away. "Yeah, I don't know. This is what I've been into lately."

he's not impolite, no that was taken out of him when he was a child. he learned to nod and smile, despite how he actually feels, but the song is... good ? it's not something jump would listen to again, but it's definitely not bad. jump gives him a nod, looking at lou's phone as it is tucked away. "it's pretty good, man." and he's not lying, though he sounds unenthusiastic.

" i could do that. or i could also, you know, just keep praying to encounter a bartender in this shithole when i'm trying to have a nice night with a cold drink and a bunch of free bar pretzels that isn't a total fascist when it comes to state ID laws. " ava did not understand what mj saw in this dude. she was an example of someone cool, free, and here jump — ahem, jean-paul — was harshing her mellow on purpose just to say he's following the letter of the law. it was, in ava's book, an inherent mismatch that someone with that many atrocious looking but still very cool stick 'n pokes could be with such a drip.

"i mean, stefan is even more likely to card you. i don't know anyone who WOULDN'T card you, in fact," and jump won't say she looks like a child but— he's not above average really. he knew plenty of other tall people. went to school with a bunch of them in fact, but now with mj and ava, and a few others in town he really does feel like some giant.

 〝 i never made you any promises. 〞

"i didn't ask you to. i just thought you liked me." it's pathetic, maverick loses steam with each word, but he stands his ground, tears dried up. he feels like he's back in high school, flirting with the adult he shouldn't. this all feels like confirmation of things he already knew and if he could go back in time and live in ignorance again, he would. easier that way.

 〝 not huge on god's plan. 〞 he admits, broaching the subject with more grace than he otherwise would've. had it been anyone else. 〝 he's a bit of an asshole if you ask me. no offence, i know you're tight. 〞

"bad things happen to good people. it's what makes us who we are. shapes us and moulds us." he hasn't had cancer, he sure hasn't lost a limb, he's spouting something that makes his insides twist, a nagging feeling that he should just shut up, but also feeling like he should still push a little more. "i think you're part of god's plan for me."

" oh, you don't want me there. i wouldn't want to get you in trouble if i stepped in and immediately caught ablaze. "

"god forgives." he's not trying to push, but he can't help but want better for the nice people he meets.

" like, the talking vegetables? with the bible stories? "

"uh, yeah. except my father believed the cucumber was a homosexual so we weren't able to watch too many of the movies."

same as those, rue burrows into skin.

he knew the answer to the question before he asked it, but maybe he was hoping stefan would lie. maybe he was hoping he was going to be wrong. none it stops maverick's stomach from dropping when he hears the confirmation. swallowing hard, he stares at the ground for a moment, trying to collect himself. he's cried over less, but now nothing comes. he feels empty. he feels betrayed. it's his own fault and he knows it. "then what are we doing here, man ? " he asks, defeated, before looking at stefan again. "what was the point ? "

 〝 no? 〞 he questions, rhetorical and curt. 〝 how about the men's room? you interested in that? 'cause it could use another mop. 〞

"just don't want to talk about it ? "