SzczErb

Ps: contains spoilers of No.6 reunion.

A quick piece I drew yesterday inspired by @minamiren's short fic Stowaway for the broken telephone event in the No.6 server! It's a scifi AU :D

UH OH SISTERS! Here I am to write an essay on Nezumi and his relationship and actions towards Shion that no one asked for, but I’m doing it anyway.

SPOILERS FOR THE NO.6 NOVEL

Let me start by saying that Nezumi is a really well fleshed out character, and that a lot of his actions and dialogue have more depth than initially comes across. Nezumi starts off as a character who is very closed off, both emotionally and physically. Gradually over the course of the novel, he becomes more and more open, until we reach the climax of his character while in the Correctional Facility. During Shion and his first meeting, he tells Shion that he doesn’t neccessarily care about Shion’s fate, but that he doesn’t want to feel responsible if something bad were to happen to Shion.

“Do you really? I mean, it’s not my problem what happens to you, but if you end up being wiped out because of me, I wouldn’t like that. I’d feel like I did something horrible...”

I find this dialogue to be very telling and foreshadowing, as comparing Nezumi’s mindset from the beginning of the novel and end of the novel shows just how much Shion is able to change him. Though Nezumi might not say it directly, he is just as drawn to Shion as Shion is to him. We come to learn that he keeps secretive watch over Shion for the four years they are apart, in a silent way of protecting him. We could shrug this off as Nezumi simply “repaying a debt”, as he says again and again, but it is far more than that. Shion offers kindness and compassion to Nezumi during their first meeting, which we come to learn is the first real act of kindness he has received in years. Shion shows love toward Nezumi when he arguably needs it most, and though Nezumi might not want to admit it, he is showing love right back by silently watching over Shion, and rescuing him. From the moment they met, Nezumi has become captured by Shion, much like how Shion says he has become captured by Nezumi.

Throughout the novel, Nezumi goes from showing acts of kindness toward Shion, to then showing hostility. Shion is never afraid of Nezumi’s random spouts of violence, in his what I can only assume to be futile attempts to reject vulnerability. Nezumi projects all of his hatred for No.6 and it’s violence against him onto Shion, which he later comes to realize is wrong, and abusive of him.

“This casual act of kindness, or those cold, dispassionate words from a few minutes ago - which one was he to believe? Shion couldn’t grasp him.”

Nezumi tells Shion to throw away his memories, his feelings, and ties to everyone and everything he knows. He continuously acts cold and hostile toward Shion without provocation, which we learn is the result of the way Gran, an old woman who raised him, warped his mind into being. Nezumi has a very unstable and warped mindset on love, and what it would do to him. He has been raised since the age of 4 to fear it like nothing else, which I find so heartbreaking. It is no wonder Nezumi constantly reacts the way he does both to being touched by Shion, as well as kissed, or just generally loved. Gran tells Nezumi from the age of 4 to view any person who loves him as a literal demon who will kill him, thus creating the mental struggle within himself as he tries and fails to keep from reciprocating those feelings.

“Never sigh in earnest. Never cry. You’ll be taken advantage of by demons. Sighing creates an opening, a vulnerability. If you want to stay alive, keep your mouth shut. Never let anyone see your weak spot. Let your heart warm to no one. Never trust anyone but yourself.”

We are told that Nezumi went against Gran’s instruction simply by rescuing Shion. I suspect that a small part of Nezumi wanted to do this (go against Gran’s orders), though he reprimands himself multiple times for his actions. It isn’t that Nezumi is completely helpless from falling in love with Shion, it’s that he actually wants to be loved by the boy, even if only deep down. More and more, he begins to simply sit around and watch Shion, thinking about how beautiful Shion is, how nice it would be to touch him and how much he wants to have physical contact with him, playing with his hair. He begins to lose his sense of control over himself, leaving the door to his home unlocked without even realizing it, sighing over Shion, and risking his own safety to send messages to Shion’s mother unprompted. When he learns of Safu’s abduction, instead of telling Shion, he begins to think of how if Shion found out, it would result in his death. He compares the loss to the loss of his own family, and of the suffering he would feel if that were to occur. Nezumi has already begun to grow attached. He was attached from the very moment Shion and he met.

“He would be experiencing the same suffering again, of being broiled alive in Hellfire.” “I don’t want to lose him. I would suffer.”

This admission is paralleled to Safu’s in a prior scene, where she admits to Karan, Shion’s mother, that she is in love with Shion. She says: “I don’t want to regret anything. If - if by some chance, he ends up never coming back... I’m going to be the one to suffer for my whole life. I don’t want that. I don’t want to lose him.” Nezumi is falling in love with Shion, whether he realizes it at this moment or not is besides the point. He does not want to lose Shion. He does not want to return to a life of seclusion and loneliness, a life without love. He would and will do anything to keep from losing it. Both Safu and Nezumi are in love with Shion, but I would argue that the difference between them, other than obvious ones, as that Nezumi comes to see Shion exactly for who he is, the love he feels for Shion not blinding himself, but illuminating the entire world, whereas Safu does not. Safu continuously compares herself to the person Shion is yearning for, asking why she cannot be them, why she cannot be the one to get to know everything about Shion.

Despite Nezumi’s efforts to hide the truth of Safu’s capture from Shion, this falls through, and he is warned by Inukashi: “If he’s so precious to you that you don’t want to loose him, protect him to the very end. And do whatever it takes to protect him, you idiot, no matter how humiliating it is.” Nezumi wants to protect Shion, and would and later does do anything to keep him by his side, this dialogue from Inukashi foreshadowing Nezumi’s vulnerability and the swallowing of his own pride as he lays everything he is bare before Shion’ feet.

Later, Shion, after finding out that Safu is in danger, confesses all of his feelings to Nezumi, in what he assumes will be the last time they see one another. He kisses Nezumi goodbye, and sneaks out. Nezumi follows after him, and lashes out in a very violent way, and after, saying: “Listen, you’re not allowed to give me a goodbye kiss ever again! Never, ever again!” He tells Shion that this beating is punishment for lying to him, and trying to sneak away, aka trying to die without him. Soon, Shion will turn Nezumi’s warped way of thinking against him in the Correctional Facility, where he will use Nezumi’s reasoning and justification for violence by claiming the two men he attempts to kill are deserving of it, because they have tried to harm Nezumi.

Gradually, more and more, we see Nezumi not only reciprocating moments of intimacy, but initiating them with Shion: “A hand suddenly reached over to him. It was Nezumi’s. It gently pried Shion’s fist open, finger by finger, gently, as if toying with it.” Nezumi still has moments of random bursts of aggression, both in an attempt to continue to keep Shion at bay, to keep from falling more in love, and to prevent Shion from aiding the city or its people in any manner. While Shion admits a love confession, saying: “I’m probably more afraid to lose you than anything - anybody else.” This sparks a fear in Nezumi, at the reality that not only is Shion attached to him, but that he is just as attached to Shion. He’s completely aware at this point of his own feelings. He thinks: “Am I the one who hasn’t known anything all along?” while questioning his past actions, and whether or not he has been seeing Shion in a positive light or not. Nezumi has started to become more self aware through his relationship with Shion, and more in touch with his own emotions.

Once entering the Correctional Facility, Nezumi warns Shion not to lose himself. He promises Shion that they will come back from this together. He isn’t saying this only to Shion, but more so to himself. Nezumi has been captured by the light that he sees in Shion, and though Shion is the one to think that Nezumi keeps him human, it’s quite the other way around. Shion attempts to kill two men, both times Nezumi reprimands him, telling him: “Never put your hands around someone’s throat again!” and “Shion! Shion! Stop - stop, please - Shion, I’m begging you.” and “I want you to stay as you are, Shion.” Shion keeps Nezumi human. Shion is a beacon of light shining down on Nezumi, exposing his own humanity. Time and time again, it is clear that Shion’s humanity and compassion save Nezumi from doom. While Nezumi develops to see the light of humanity and within his own soul through loving Shion, Shion develops to see the darkness in humanity and within his own soul by loving Nezumi. They quite make the perfect narrative foil to one another, developing in an almost polar opposite way. Nezumi ultimately becomes more like Shion, Shion becomes more like Nezumi.

We learn of Nezumi’s past, and of his suffering, in a scene where he allows himself complete vulnerability to Shion, showing him the burn on his back and revealing to us and to Shion how his family and culture were ruthlessly burned to the ground right before his eyes. Shion begins to cry at learning the truth, begins to blame himself for his own ignorance and for Nezumi’s suffering. Nezumi confesses: “I didn’t mean to make you feel guilty. I didn’t mean to accuse you of any crime. I - can’t even imagine wanting to hurt you. I’m sorry.” “Don’t you cry. You were just a tiny kid. You’re not to blame for anything.” He’s starting to drastically change his mindset and perspective which will ultimately lead to him choosing to believe in Shion, to have faith in Shion, trusting that the both of them truly see one another at this point for who they are. Trusting Shion to remain human, and build a better world.

As they begin their infiltration, Shion begins to grow more and more cold and uncaring of human life. As Nezumi kills guards, Shion says that it simply can’t be helped - it’s kill or be killed. This moment is clear in highlighting not only how Nezumi has changed Shion, but how Shion has changed Nezumi. Nezumi is displeased to hear this reasoning from Shion, which is not something he would have thought at the beginning of the novel. Shion is uncaring, which is not something he would feel were this the beginning of the novel. They have both a positive and negative impact on one another, and alwyas seem to take it to the extreme, though it isn’t neccessarily strange given the circumstances and situation at hand. Nezumi begins to see the direct affect his own actions have had on Shion, and how they have begun to warp his mind, much like Gran warped Nezumi’s own perspective on love. He thinks sadly: “Forgive me, Gran. I’ve gone against what you’ve told me. I’ve sighed many times for another. I believed him, and opened my heart to him. I placed the shackles around my own feet. But I couldn’t have done otherwise. I couldn’t cut him away.” Nezumi loves Shion. No matter what he tries, he cannot escape the love he feels for him. He couldn’t do otherwise, because he doesn’t truly WANT to. He wants to love Shion, admitting this to himself now. The seeds have already been planted at this point for Nezumi to begin feeling his own guilt and remorse at trying to change Shion’s personality, and coming to the horrifying realization that it worked. Nezumi didn’t want to harm Shion, or hurt him. He truly and foolishly believed he was doing what was right, what was taught to him. He feels so much remorse at the point that when he is almost killed by Rashi, he entirely gives up the fight. He allows himself a moment of genuine intimacy with Shion, let’s Shion hold him, as he prepares to die with him. Does this sound like something Nezumi would do? A character who preaches survival, is now willing to die with the person he has fallen in love with. He is not afraid, nor angry, nor sad - he simply accepts it. I find this moment to be very telling of Nezumi’s character.

When Shion shoots Rashi, Nezumi, who is already terribly wounded, tries repeatedly to stand up and stop him from finishing Rashi off. It is shocking not just to us, but to him, to see how Shion has changed. He screams for Shion to stop in vain as Shion commits murder on his behalf.

“He didn’t want to open his eyes. If he did, he would have to face reality.”

Despite trying to repress this, he tries to keep Shion grounded, as Shion has already been shown time and time again to be unstable and suicidal. Shion attempts to commit suicide by shooting himself in the head, asking Nezumi over and over if Nezumi and perhaps even God can forgive him for the murder he has committed. Nezumi thinks that it would have been better had they never infiltrated it at all, had he known it would destroy Shion’s mental state so completely. Nezumi, a character hellbent on destroying the government, is now thinking that Shion’s mental health is worth more to him than destroying the city. He thinks, as he starts to have his own mental breakdown, that he is the one who needs to be forgiven, not Shion. He begins to cry uncontrollably, as he mentally begs for Shion’s forgiveness.

“Shion, I’m sorry. I made you bear the burden, one so big it’s making your spine creak. Would I be forgiven one day? Would you forgive me for what I did to you?”

Nezumi is unable to bear the thought that he is the direct cause of Shion’s attempt at suicide. He is forced to confront at this moment his own abusive actions, and all of the brutality he has thrust upon Shion up to this point. He is begging, literally on his knees, to be forgiven. To be forgiven for all of his mistakes, all of his anger, all of his pain and hurt that he has projected onto Shion. Begging for forgiveness at meeting Shion - at coming unexpectedly into his life and, in Nezumi’s eyes, ruining everything Shion is. Nezumi believes he is to blame for everything, and the weight of the guilt he feels is indescribable.

By the time they get to Safu, Nezumi outright refuses to let Shion do anything, going so far as to drag him by force to the elevator, knowing it is too late to rescue Safu. Shion, through his grief, blames Nezumi for what happens to Safu, claiming he used her and used him to destroy No.6. Nezumi plays his part well, and pretends that this is the truth, saying he never believed Safu was alive, which is a lie. He says he deceived Shion, and used him and sacrificed his mind for the destruction of the government, which is also not the whole truth. Nezumi thinks: “Really? Can you really not understand? You’re a liar, Shion. You do get it. You understand every single word. And you’ll never forgive me. You’ll lose faith in me and loathe me. Or would you-“

Nezumi WANTS Shion to love him, and also hate him at the same time. He wants Shion to take his anger out on him. He wants to self sabotage their relationship, and MAKE Shion hate him, by playing a false role, by pretending to be someone he is not. Even when Nezumi tries to shoulder blame that is not his, his true self shines through under the facaude. Nezumi, a character who used to preach that he would only ever fight for himself, now takes a bullet for Shion, trying to sacrifice himself for him. Going directly against everything he has ever believed in.

By the end of the novel, Nezumi, having come back from the brink of Death, and having gone against all of his previous rules, confesses to Shion that Shion scares him. He is terrified of Shion, or more specifically, of Shion’s love, because it is mutual. Nezumi is in love with him. Nezumi’s love for Shion is in fact so strong, that Nezumi was willing and ready to die with and for Shion multiple times during the Correctional Facility, and many times prior, as well. He’s scared of the way loving someone makes him feel. He’s scared of how it almost got him killed many times, and it would have, had Shion not saved him. He leaves not because of Shion, but because of himself. Nezumi does not understand how to express his love in a proper and healthy way - it’s completely foreign to him. The boy is so traumatized that he’s spent the entire novel both half afraid of and half crazing and actively seeking love. I find it strange when people ask or think that there’s a possibility Nezumi doesn’t love Shion, when his actions so clearly say otherwise. I suspect Nezumi feels unworthy of Shion loving him as well, considering his tendency to self sabotage. I think that Nezumi is very self aware, and by the end of the novel, very in touch with his own emotions. He understands that he must change, and only then can he come back to Shion properly. He understands that who he is currently is not suited for a relationship, and so he makes the maturest call he has in the entire story, by leaving. He kisses Shion, promising to come back once he is ready, reassuring not only us but Shion that he really truly does love him.

Fuckingggg ga redraw of that one manga page. Where nezumi is crying in front of shion after his suicide attempt.

Im still so not over that scene ueueueghh... If anybody is up for Nezushi yapping just dm me 😌😌😌

they're twins

It’s literally just: gay couple destroys oppressive government with the help of trans kid and money one of the boyfriends makes by doing drag part time.

And best of all? Not once do either of the guys ever have a crisis over their sexualities. Because they aren’t the issue here, the external forces are. The narrative never puts either of them through queer torture porn. Yes, the characters do go through bad things, but it has no relation to the queerness. The narrative voice also never speaks of their relationship as inferior to heterosexual relationships, nor does it ever rely on stereotypes and less than favorable tropes (especially ones popular in Japanese media).

And all this aside, it had a story to tell about those in power and what they do to the rest of us. Iconic!

The long-awaited reunion