After Dark

One was weirdly accurate. I hope you come back to me.

Last night's dream though, it was an amalgamation of things, of people, of feelings. At the end I had written on a red shirt "You can never go back."

I wish you were not checked out.

I wish your words matched your actions and your action were not echos of the truth.

A truth that is bleak.

Red face and puffy eyes.

I touch my skin and everything feels unreal. I don't feel like I belong here.

Crying again while watching childhood cartoons.

They hurt the worst.

I know there is probably people that understand somewhere but it's so exhausting to even explain.

I wish I could go back. I don't even know why. Nothing would change - I could scream it at the top of my lungs.

Everyone was drowning, just trying to save themselves.

There were moments when I felt so much and I'd give anything to relive them.

It's a disability that I've just learned to work around but it fucking sucks.

On top of that, I don't even know how to explain it to people. It's isolating.

I publicly write most of my issues off as ADHD induced but only tell a few handful about being autistic

Is that a problem? Yeah, probably. Am I stigmatizing myself? Probably. I just feel like the culture around autism is so ... positive rn? You're probably like oooookay, that's a problem how? My experience is not positive. I'm not sure I can think of one thing positive about my autistic traits.

My 9 year old has become theater obsessed. His 1st play was a a guaranteed spot through an academy. Last week he went for his first audition - he practiced for weeks and went alone. He did land a spot! He wanted the main role and did try out for it, we talked about expectations and how he's new to this world and all experience is relevant. I'm so proud of him. He's so wonderfully tenacious and talented.

Accelerated summer course are almost over. Thank fucking christ. I'm in hella burnout but knocked out a ton of college credit.

I know, I know. I'm late to the party and everyone fucking loves Bad Omens.

"Raised by wolves in sheep's clothes that abandoned me

But taught me to get up when I fall to my knees"

"If you want an enemy

I'll be the last one that you ever meet

But I can tell you now

That you don't stand a goddamn chance against me

Nobody's gonna hear you

When you're calling for help, when you're calling for help

Nobody's gonna hear you

'Cause the sound of my screams are gonna drown you out"

"Fuck that, fuck this; if you're gonna burn a bridge

You better hold your breath and learn to swim

Fuck that, fuck this; if you're gonna burn a bridge

You better hold your breath and learn to swim"

Noah is a fucking gem.

What will I have left when even the hurt is gone

And I can't feel a thing?

Would you had been there when I came home?

Could you hold on another day?

I wish I had not held, held on to you so long

But I was just so damn afraid

I wish I hadn't used you to pull me

Out of this dark and lonely place

I had the whole damn world and I gave it all away

What did I think I would save?

For better or for worse, this is my burden to take

'Cause I'm the only one to blame

You're so much better off

With nothing but memories of, memories of my face

Because I have no use now that you're gone

And now I'm running out of faith

Together we will live forever

I'm not afraid anymore, forever

I'm not afraid anymore, we will live forever

I'm not afraid anymore, forever

"Another Mask"

You are a liar.

Truth bends beneath your breath,

twisting in the warmth of your deception.

Honesty, for you, is theater -

a costume stitched in counterfeit threads.

Your masks may melt,

but they do not reveal the real.

Only new disguises,

another user,

another abuser,

draped in quaint smiles

and fabricated innocence.

You rewrite reality in whispers,

never raising your voice -

just tilting the truth

until it leans in your favor.

Control, dressed as concern.

Dominance, disguised as care.

You cannot carry truth

because it weighs more than your pride.

So you dodge it.

Deny it.

Destroy it when it doesn't serve you.

Every story, tailored.

Every witness, discredited.

And the child -

innocent, watching -

fed your fear

like it was fact.

Taught to question love,

to fear the ones

you couldn’t control.

You become what you claim to escape,

your accusations just shadows

cast by your own reflection.

That, in and of itself, is one of the issues.

I don't think all people are inherently bad. There are a lot, but not all. I think some of it boils down to ignorance.

A lot of people just don't know or care to really know. A lot of people are bred into ignorance. Or hatred.

Individualism emphasizes the importance of self over the "whole." Personal independence, self-expression, and autonomy over group cohesion or collective responsibility.

It's widely studied and usually referenced in terms of individualistic vs collectivist culture.

I feel like I've noticed an upward trend in individualistic mindsets. This goes along with the therapy speak in many ways.

People use phrases like "authentic self" "raw truth" "radical honesty" ... Now, I'm not saying they are inherently bad phrases, but I think they are often used to avoid accountability, harm others emotionally, or reject meaningful compromise.

It's like a weird justification of selfishness and often attempts to disregard the impact of actions or words on others.

Highly individualistic.

My time. My energy. My perspective. My boundaries. End of story. Egocentricity.

This isn't meant to say we shouldn't be wise with our time and energy or that we shouldn't value our own perspective or set boundaries. This is not usually what is happening. People are disregarding others under this guise.

Tying back to my previous post about the misuse of psychological terms like “trauma bond,” “narcissist,” and “abuse” to avoid accountability - this is common in individualistic mindsets. It allows someone to:

Rewrite history to protect their ego

Avoid reflecting on their own role in patterns

Justify harmful or irresponsible behavior This is not healing — it's deflection.

--

What's my beef?

I guess it's a personal matter so maybe I'm entirely biased.

This is in fact a dumping ground for my brain. Not a college level essay.

There is a constant pattern and I worry about how this person is affecting their child.

Fast into relationship. Relationship ends bad. Blame. They probably are genuinely shitty people. I don't know all the details.

I know inconsistency and certainly have skepticism. Unreliable narrator, at best.

I don't think there is any excuse to claim someone is a pedophile over and over and over publicly and then continue to bring them around your child.

Trauma bond or not. If you recognize it's a trauma bond and if your child is always number one as you claim, protect them.

If you have a history of abusive relationships. Stop bringing your child around partners. If they are number one, protect them.

Quit thinking about yourself and your vagina and protect your child.

No amount of therapeutic language is going to justify parental negligence. And, yes, bringing your child around someone you claim is a pedophile is negligence.

If you have data or proof of unlawful contact with a minor or sexual offense against a minor or abuse and you're not reporting it - that's not keeping your peace. That's negligence.

Similarly, if you're parent is abusive and narcissistic and wants control of you and your child and it's dire enough that you file with the court ... If you truly believe this. Walk away.

Protect your child.

Don't tell them your parent is abusive and then continue a relationship, and leave them alone with your abuser. It's confusing. Take care of yourself. You don't fucking need anyone. It's not easy. Definitely easier to mooch off people I'm sure.

If you want people to take you serious, I'm not talking surface level. You can fool anyone on social media, and come on how shallow is it really? I'm sure it's much less meaningful. If you want people to take you serious stand behind your words. When your words and actions change with the rising and setting of the sun, well, it's bullshit.

Trauma is not an excuse, it's an explanation. It is your job to do better in spite of - especially if you can recognize. Especially if you are taking care of another human life. It's not a hall pass to do whatever the fuck you want and then explain it off.

Reality is, this is what you're creating for your child -

Attachment issues. Think insecure attachment styles.

Confusions about relationships. They are learning love is chaotic, unstable, and dramatic.

You are giving them emotional whiplash. One minute a partner is amazing and the next they are evil. They will internalize that shit and think people can't be trusted and love is unsafe.

Fear and anxiety by forcing and breaking bonds.

Guilt and shame because they probably trusted these people as well and this may make them question their own judgement.

Most important you are putting them in unsafe situations. If they realize how unsafe they may feel even more confused or emotionally betrayed.

--

Quit rewriting history to protect your ego. Quit avoiding reflection on your own role in patterns. Quit justifying harmful and irresponsible behaviors and protect your kid.

How does this all comeback to individualism? I feel like social media is proliferating the type of unregulated (because how the fuck could you regulate it?) therapy speak that is promoting this really fucked up selfish individualistic mindset. People are only using it justify or dismiss - completely removing accountability.

I'm not even sure they realize. Honestly I think they might believe.

It's so frustrating.

It makes those prone to deflection even more skilled at deflection.

Many of the things they are describing could be true , 9 times out of 10 they're not or they are being described incorrectly or they do not account for their own bias and one-sided narration, but when it's used to excuse accountability that's problematic. In our culture we now just explain away everything instead of actually taking a look at our actions in any given situation and attempting to improve. No one feels a responsibility any longer to modify their behaviors. People now believe they are always right or always valid - no exceptions. No need for compromise. No need to think of others. No need for modifications. No need for actual growth or the supposed healing they speak of because their version of healing is just more self justification, self-care, and another does of I come first attitudes.

In a world that overwhelming is adopting this kind of mindset solidarity and community become elusive.

I wish people would quit falsely claiming their exes are gay to minimize their role in the end of a relationship, to shift blame, to make them seem less desirable, to avoid accountability or responsibility ... whatever the fuck your reason is.

It's fucked up.

It's harmful to the queer community.

You are trying to paint your ex/exes in a negative light but alternatively creating shitty stereotypes. Stop that shit. Stop claiming you are an ally.

It's such an unnatural feeling.

I'm always go go go. No chill.

I'm an overachiever - in turn I often tie my worth to productivity, which I'm sure is not healthy.

I also often think of rest or free time as a reward for finishing tasks rather than just a basic need. Also not healthy.

It's difficult because I know this mentality has helped me but I also know it hurts me.

I need to take a minute and be thankful.

Absolutely easier said than done.

I guess the further I get into my degree, the more problematic I realize the issue is. I'm not even sure how you get people the recognize. I've heard people like say you can't gatekeep words?! Uhm, actually ... accountable language, offensive and derogatory terms ... I mean kinda. You kinda can. You can morally expect people to not take harmful actions.

It's rough. I wonder sometimes how my work is compared to others just based on perspective. The essay requires discussion of 3 role transitions from adolescence into young adulthood. In the assignment description they give examples and it's a reminder how left field my life was. Independence, workforce, parenthood - I experienced all these but in such a weird fucking way.

My father was a reclusive agoraphobic and my mother was an alcoholic who evolved into a crack addict. I was homeless at age 16 and thrust into a placement until I was 18, at which point they just throw you the fuck out btw. I joined a traveling carnival which is work but chaos. Parenthood was not planned but it literally saved me. It was the pivotal point in my life when I was fucking done with nonsense and watched more and more of my friends meet their maker and couldn't take it anymore.

People are so complicated.

Exhausting.

I guess that's probably not weird.

Maybe? Idk.

People seem pretty blasè when it comes to others. Outwardly facing not so much but in their actions.

That's honestly concerning right there.

Okay, losing track here.

I worry about people a lot. People I probably have no business worrying about to begin with.

I know what it's like to feel hopeless and alone. I don't ever want anyone to feel that way. I don't even care if they are a shit person. Maybe it's a random act of kindness that makes them turn it around. Who the fuck am I to know or decide?

I like to think of it as slowly dying.

If you witnessed a car crash you'd jump in and help, right? Because the threat of danger is immediate. You can see it. It's palpable.

Mental illness is like slowly dying. Just because it isn't immediate or palpable doesn't make it any less dangerous.

You would not take pause at the car crash and assess who this person is and decide if you should or should not save their life. Or at least I hope not.

It's like that. I wouldn't judge - well I might judge - but I'd still outreach my hand even if they were slowly dying because both situations can end up the same. You never know.

It's frustrating to see what looks from the outside like someone just slipping under and being unsure what you could even do.

If you could do anything at all.