mischief managed . . .

Sirius rubbed his eyes as he fought to stay awake. It was getting late, nearly one or two in the morning if his internal clock was correct, but he didn’t want to sleep yet. His body ached for rest, but he wasn’t going to give up.

For the past four days Sirius sat, or sometimes paced, by Marlowe’s side as she slept. He knew that from a factual standpoint she wasn’t actually sleeping, but he preferred to think of it that way. If she was just sleeping, then she could be dreaming, thinking about better times, and she could wake up at any moment. Every aspect of the current situation was happier if he thought of her as just sleeping.

Sirius himself had slept during his watch, but his restful moments were far and few between. He wanted to be there the moment she woke up. Not rushing in front a different room, but there, ready. He wanted to be the first thing she saw. He wanted her to know that she was safe.

He leaned forward, resting his elbows on the tops of his thighs and his head on the small platform his interlocking fingers made. Sirius wasn’t praying but, just as he had every moment since the attack, he was hoping with everything he had for her to wake up.

And then her eyes fluttered open.

Sirius leapt up from where he sat and ran over to the bed. He didn’t want to get too close and startle her, but he also wanted her to know that he was there. That he had been the entire time.

“Hey, Mar,” he whispered as he gently took her hand in his. “Everything’s alright, you’re at my place. How are you feeling?”

…

Even if Marlowe knew she was blowing it up, she hadn’t been prepared for his words. They were sharp, prickly things, but at least they were true. At least this time, she got something real from him. In the past, in these sorts of fights, he’d given her what she’d wanted to hear; given her words that were supposed to be knives but that passed through her skin as if she were butter. These words might be knives, but at least Marlowe could touch them. She sucked in a deep breath, realizing that she was crying as she looked up at him. “You’re right, we’re not kids anymore,” she said, her voice quiet but stern. “And you have no bloody right to put words in my mouth.”

She tried to steady herself, but she was vibrating; shaking with anger as he spoke. “You won’t be with me because you’re afraid? Sirius…” Marlowe huffed, arms falling to her sides as she did. “I don’t care. I’ve never cared, obviously, because I’m still here right now and you ripped my heart in two the first time we did this dance.” She took a tentative step toward him, watching as his mind raced; hoping that somehow she might get through to him. His words might be knives, but he was cutting through paper. Marlowe needed bricks, a sledgehammer. Maybe somehow she could break through the wall he’d built up over the years. “Godric, Siri, my heart has been yours since you made me laugh for the first time.”

It was cheesy, maybe, but Marlowe couldn’t help but say it; couldn’t help but remember the very first joke he’d ever told. He’d been trying to pick her up, a few months younger and bold as all hell, but there was something about him that had always kept her coming back. He’d made her laugh, which wasn’t a feat if you thought about it. But it was a laugh that made her stomach ache; a laugh that had her eyes twinkling. Not many people did that upon first meeting.

But, even as she said that, even as she tried to reassure him, he was going, he was walking away, again. Marlowe choked on her words; they were too big and too full for her to get around. And he’d said he couldn’t; he wouldn’t and he couldn’t and so he was going, as quickly as he’d come back into her life. When she finally found her way around the lump in her throat, she called after him, “So that’s it then?”

The pause gave her reason to step forward. “You’re too scared to try? You’d rather just break because you’re scared of getting hurt?” She shook her head, the tears spilling down her cheeks. “Sirius when I say I’m tired, I’m not tired of you. I’m tired of being scared. I’m tired of this bullshit that you’re using to keep us at arms length. If you don’t want to be with me, that’s fine, you can just say it, but if you do…” Marlowe shook her head. “I’m not saying I know how things will end up, but I can tell you something with certainty: if you leave right now, you will break my heart.” 

She choked on her tears again. “You will,” she whispered, one more time. “And it’ll be worse because you didn’t even give it a chance.”

Sirius heard her words, but failed to listen to what Marlowe was really saying. He realized that she liked him now, liked the version of him that stood in front of her, but they hadn’t been together in years. What about ten, or twenty, years from now? She could easily be tired of him then. The Marauders knew the real him and stuck around, but they were different. They were the exception to the rule that usually left him cold and alone with his back against the wall.

After she called him out Sirius stopped and turned around. The tone of the room had gone from on top of the world to oceanic depths in less than five minutes. It hurt to look at her now. He was tired too.

“We’ve given it chances Mar, so many fucking chances, that’s my point.” He spoke loud enough for her to hear, but his voice was a whisper of what it had been moments before.

“I’m going to hurt you either way.” It was a tunnel he couldn’t see out of. “Better now than later, right?”

Sirius could feel tears welling up beneath the surface, so rather than linger and look at her any longer, he turned around again to face the door.

The next thing Sirius knew, he was in the hallway outside of Marlowe’s flat. The fact that he was holding his shoes and standing where he was was evidence that he’d passed through the hallway and gathered his shoes, but he couldn’t remember doing any of it. It was as if his mind had disconnected for a moment so that he wouldn’t have to face the fact that he was walking away from the only person he’d ever envisioned a future with, the only girl he’d ever really loved.

Sirius hesitated before apparating home, standing alone in the hallway for several minutes as if he wasn’t allowed to leave right away. There was no logical reason to stay, but he found it difficult to leave. It as though he was breaking a tether, one that had existed no matter their time or distance apart. It had always been there, and now he was about to cut it as if it were nothing more than a loose thread. With a pop, the scissors snapped shut and he was gone.

Sirius still hadn’t forgiven James for signing him up for the bachelor auction. He couldn’t tell James why he was annoyed, because nothing had actually happened yet. He and Marlowe were back on good terms, but they hadn’t yet explicitly talked about where they stood or where things might go between them in the future. Just being on good terms with Marlowe again was something that for a while Sirius wouldn’t have thought possible, but miracles did occasionally happen.

As a filler, he said his annoyance came from the fact that this wasn’t really his kind of thing. Crashing a bachelor and bachelorette auction and causing a disturbance was his kind of thing, but having people bet on him wasn’t. The dress code was casual, which made things slightly better, but it still wasn’t ideal. The only real saving grace was the he’d roped Peter into doing it with him.

The boys weren’t due on stage for another half hour or so though, so for now Sirius weaved throughout the crowd. He stopped dead in his tracks as the next name rang out and a gorgeous redhead in a red leather jacket stepped onto the stage.

Sirius immediately went over to the nearest table and picked up a paddle. There was a bit of bidding war, a tall dark-haired man in a blue shirt and black dress pants seemed to have a vested interest and kept outbidding him for a while, but in the end, Sirius couldn’t be beat. The auction for a date with Marlowe Prewett ended, and Sirius dashed to meet her as she made her way off stage.

“Looks like you’re going to have to spend some more time with me Prewett. But hey, it’s all worth it cause it’s for charity, right?” He flashed her a smile. More than anything, he was just happy they could talk like this again. That he could make her smile again.

…

Normally, Marlowe would let this go. She would let his answer be sufficient, and would retreat into a smile and a playful grin. But right now, as she stood gripping the counter-top, knuckles turning white from the effort, she couldn’t think of anything other than her anger. There were times where she felt as though he were leading her on, and there were times where she felt that she was just reading too into how he felt. Was it her fault that she kept running back to him? Why didn’t she care that every bloody time it ended like this? 

So, finally, when she spoke, it was one word, choked out as if she were half trying not to say it. “No,” she said, looking up at him. “No, you don’t get to do that. Not this time.” Marlowe finally pried her finger tips away from the counter top, crossing them over her chest as she let the words she kept in for so bloody long out. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be… I don’t mean to be an arse, but I can’t sit here anymore and pretend like–”

The words caught in her throat and she closed her eyes for a moment before meeting his. He had to know, didn’t he? How she felt. And still, here they were, staring at each other as if they were only friends. She was sick of it; full of a pain that she wasn’t ready to keep feeling. So, she kept going, a train without tracks, moving forward even if it hurt her. “You know.” The words were a half whisper, and Marlowe could feel the tears threatening. “Bloody hell, please tell me that you know. I don’t think I can stomach what happened last night if you don’t.”

And didn’t he? Didn’t he have to know? Marlowe felt that she had been fairly obvious, if not before last night then last night itself. Sirius could be a bit oblivious, but this time there was no mistaking. This time, he knew what he had gotten himself into. Didn’t he? “I’m tired, Sirius,” she said, still quietly, but stronger now, meeting his eyes. “I’m tired of knowing what I want and being told I need to stay at arms reach. So, I’d like an answer, and it’s a simple question in theory, but really–” Marlowe paused, rounding the counter, forgoing the barricade for a moment as she asked: “What do you want Sirius?”

Sirius stood quietly, not moving an inch as he watched Marlowe simmer. The harshness of her voice and body language caught him off guard, but he gave no reaction. He wasn’t used to Marlowe being short with him, but subdued anger itself he was more than used to.

When they were in school and things went wrong, Marlowe would get upset. Thinking back on it, she’d gotten upset more times than he could count. He would fuck up or there’d be miscommunication, she would get hurt, he would either fix it or he wouldn’t, and life would move on from there. However, this was different. The anger in the past, even when it was biting and cut deep, had an innocence to it. They were teenagers then, just figuring things out. Romance was new and difficult for them, and their inexperience made the highs incredibly high and the lows devastating, but, at the end of the day, they were just kids. Fucking up was expected and they always bounced back.

As Marlowe stood in front of him, her arms firmly crossed and building resentment sounding from each syllable she spoke, it felt different than the other times. For the first time it felt like he was supposed to have the answer, to know what to say. It felt like all of the childish fights they had were supposed to have prepared him for this, they were supposed to have taught him what to say, but they hadn’t. Instead he just stood there, shut down and listening until he was sure she was done.

She said it so simply, but it wasn’t a simple question. What he truly wanted eluded him half the time, and even when he did know, it wasn’t always just about what he wanted.

“What...” he started before trailing off. He wanted to give her a good answer. She deserved a good answer.

“What if it works until it doesn’t, and then nothing works at all.” he blurted out, unintentionally raising his voice as he spoke. “What if you just think I’m good enough but then I’m not, and you get hurt - worse than I’ve ever hurt you before. Cause we both know that I’ve hurt you before.” He was yelling now, but he couldn’t stop. “You think you know how things are going to turn out, but you don’t. You have no idea, Marlowe.”

Somewhere in the midst of his anger, he’d taken a step towards her. Calming for a moment, Sirius took a step back. He took a deep breath before continuing on in a softer tone. “Things could end up worse than they were before, because we’re not kids anymore.” What if he fucked up so bad and cut her so deep that she never spoke to him again? What if he never got to see her smile the way she’d been smiling when he’d first walked into the kitchen that morning? The way he was handling things in that moment, he doubted he would ever get to, but if he stopped now and didn’t hurt her any more than he already had, maybe there was a chance.

“I just can’t,” he whispered, taking another step back, and then another as he turned around and walked towards the door. Marlowe had a life, a real, put together, adult life. She had plans and goals she wanted to accomplish, and he didn’t. Sirius had no idea where his life was going. He could barely figure out what he wanted now, let alone what he might want in ten years’ time. What if down the road they wanted different things? What if down the road she didn’t want him?

Dark clouds lay stagnant overhead, keeping almost any sunlight from reaching down to where Sirius stood. He had the coffee and sweets in hand that he planned to bring as a surprise gift to James, but now faced an obstacle that he should’ve expected, but hadn’t. In front of the Ministry, inside of which was the friend he was aiming to cheer up, was a crowd of protesters.

Sirius should’ve put two and two together, but he hadn’t. He’d been tangentially aware that people would be protesting today and he of course knew where James worked, he just hadn’t connected that one would keep him from the other. As he shifted his weight back and forth between his left and ride side, he debated apparating inside. It was the easiest way to get past the crowd without causing any kind of scene, but it was also a bitch to apparate with a hot liquid in hand. He could always ditch the coffee, but he didn’t particularly want to just show up with sweets...

At an impasse, Sirius surveyed the crowd more closely, looking for an easy path that might make up his mind for him. However, instead of finding a path, his attention was captured by a fiery redhead moving through the crowd. Perfectly in character, she didn’t let anything slow her down, weaving and, Sirius assumed, politely asserting her way through the mass of people.

Everything was fine, other than the fact that Sirius was casually people watching his ex, until a bolt of green fire shot forth from the crowd.

…

For a second, seeing him made her heart burst. He was here, in her apartment, and it felt as though the world was right. It took Marlowe a second to recognize that he was dressed to leave, everything but his shirt on. Her heart felt as though it had dropped out of her chest and through the floor of her flat, and this time Marlowe didn’t hide her disappointment. Godric, why did this feel worse than before? Why did this feel like, if he left this time, that it would be the end? Marlowe didn’t think she could go through the heart-break that she went through when he’d turned her down the first time. Yet, here she was, putting her heart back out on the line. Maybe she was a fool. No, she was a fool, because here she was wearing his shirt and making him bloody pancakes and he had packed a bag.

The pancakes slid onto a plate easily and Marlowe set it down on the counter for him. As he sat down to eat,  quietly looking down at the sink that sat in front of her. Marlowe had hoped, maybe, that this time round would be different. Bloody hell she hated that she’d gotten her hopes up. The frustration was building, this time, because she had no idea what she was doing wrong. Why did he keep leaving? Was she being too needy? A part of her felt it had to be the latter, because what else would make him go? Finally, the questions burst out of her, the frustration boiling to a point

“Alright, what’s with the bag,” she asked, laughing ever so slightly to let out a bit of energy. “Don’t tell me you have somewhere to go so soon?”

Sirius redirected his gaze to the pancakes as he saw the disappointment spread across her face. The pancakes couldn’t shoot him sad eyes or make him feel like the piece of shit that he was sure he was being in that moment. Sober him, yesterday afternoon him, hadn’t wanted this to happen because it opened the possibility for things to be so much worse. It opened the possibility for them to try and fail, and then potentially never speak to each other again. Things had been good between them for the first time in a long time. All he’d been trying to avoid was messing that up, and yet, somehow he managed.

He couldn’t exactly go back on it now, not that he wanted to. He wanted to get her smile back, the one that had been so freely shining on her face when he’d first walked in, but he felt that was nearly impossible now. Each of the infinite paths laid before him was the wrong one. No matter what he said or did, it wouldn’t bring that smile back. He could, however, try to lessen the damage.

“No,” he half-laughed back, meeting her gaze for a second before shaking his head and looking down again. “I just figured I’d be responsible and try not to forget stuff.”

Despite his best judgement, Sirius smiled again and looked directly at Marlowe. Rather than averting his gaze quickly like he had before, he maintained it and his smile, trying to set the example that this wasn’t a sad moment. They were just two friends, having breakfast. There could be sad later when they had to face what the previous night meant, but that was later. Right now it was just breakfast. “Because, as you know, being responsible is what I’m known for.”

…

In many ways, Sirius reminded him of himself. Carefree, a young man full of light and a love for adventure. Still, with hindsight, he worried about the younger Order members who were like him. Too many who would jump into action without thinking. Edgar had always thought he’d done a good job of tampering down his impulsiveness, although he had to admit, it had come back in waves since Alvaro had passed. “Ah, alright, you didn’t hear this from me, but you’re right,“ he teased back. “Absolutely no bloody fun without a drink in hand.”

Edgar hoped that bringing up his uncle didn’t drag up bad memories for Sirius. Of course, Alphard was a good man. A man with morals, despite the fact the rest of his family seemed to forget about having any. Sirius had taken after him, whether he’d meant to or not, and Edgar admired that part about him. It was hard, standing up for what was right, but it seemed bravery ran in the Black’s family, despite all their other less desirable traits. 

“Hold on, don’t piss on my very terrible wine,” he said. “It helps the properly plastered bit of this evening. Because, here, try this…” Edgar pushed the glass across the table. “… And tell me that it’s not strong enough to make you sing karaoke at the Muggle bar down the street.” He’d fancied himself a heavyweight, which often meant he drank rancid alcohol in order to even feel a buzz. Wine, it seemed, always helped him get to that state, and these days, he’d been wanting to get there more and more often. 

Sirius wrinkled his nose as the glass of wine was passed his way, but it quickly dissolved into a wide smile.

“Alright, alright,” Sirius laughed. “I’ll back off until I try some.”

He took the stem in his hand and lifted it to his nose. Edgar wasn’t wrong about the strength, though that didn’t put him off. It just meant he needed to pause for a moment before taking the plunge.

And what a plunge it was. Edgar wasn’t kidding about the taste, but as he’d already pointed out, for the potency it was worth it. Sirius set the glass down with a smile and passed it back.

“I think it’s strong enough to make me do more than just sing karaoke. Depending on how the night goes I might have to order some.” Sirius hadn’t intended for it to be that kind of night, but he wasn’t going to be upset if that’s where it went,

“What’s the craziest thing strong wine has ever made you do before?” There was a part of him that was hoping for an Alphard story, but really he’d be fine listening to any story Edgar had to tell.

.

Peter wasn’t exactly an introvert, but he didn’t like being out as much as he was. Still, keeping up appearances and hearing what people said - that was part of the job that he was forced into. Being a wallflower at home wouldn’t give him anything that would help, and although he wasn’t sure he wanted to find anything he still had to appear. 

That’s why Peter was at the Leaky Cauldron. To observe and inspect what was happening. It’s also why when he heard a voice call out he almost jumped until he realized it was Sirius. 

That would at least give him a cover. After all it would make sense that they would be around each other. Still he would have to be careful if he found anything if he wanted Sirius to be able to stay out of it. 

“Hey. Fancy meeting you here. “ Peter said with a slight laugh and a smile slipping into the seat. “Gave me a fright you bastard I’m supposed to be the sneaky one. How are you?” 

“Hey, I can be sneaky when I need to be. I wouldn’t have gotten away with half as much as I did at Hogwarts if everyone could hear me coming.” Moving around silently was a skill that Sirius had picked up growing up in the Black household. If Walburga and Orion couldn’t hear what he was doing, they wouldn’t have as much to yell at him for. They couldn’t get mad that he snuck downstairs in the middle of the night for sweets if they couldn’t hear him sneaking. While Kreature did prove to be a problem in some of his rebellions, Sirius soon learned that as long as he kept the one elf distracted, the others wouldn’t tattle on him if they crossed paths.

“I’m good. Same old, same old.” Sirius never had much to report when his friends asked him how he was. At first, right after graduation he could spin tales to them of late night adventures and flirtations with the law, both muggle and wizarding, but now, several years later, it was all old hat. While their lives moved on and were filled with real accomplishment, his was the same. There was a brief while where he may have had something to report in regards to Marlowe, but that wasn’t the case anymore.

“What are you doing here?” Sirius asked immediately after, not giving Peter any time to ask a follow up about how he really was. “Last time I checked you don’t usually frequent packed pubs.”

“Well you never know. You’ve got to check every occasionally,” Marlene said with a shrug. “That’s true enough as long as you don’t cost like a million gallons I’ll get you out of jail. If not you’re going to have wait for me to get James or I somehow get into your vault for that.” 

After all, Marlene had a little nest egg from being a quidditch player - she’d honestly saved a lot of it - but she was not wealthy by any stretch. Its why she’d asked James if she could work with him. 

At the suggestion Marlene let out a bark of a laugh glad that Sirius was taking it about as seriously as she did. She was frustrated but she wasn’t really considering vandalism this early in the day. “That’s a good plan. We could artistically just leave the “No” part outside of the burn and put it back into place too. Then it would be an installation piece.” 

“Worst comes to worst, if I’m in jail and James and Lily are in the wind, you can always break into my place and sell something. There’s a bunch of valuable stuff lying around that I’m not going to miss.” It was unlikely the situation would ever arise, but if it did, Sirius meant what he said. He trusted her to know what to sell and what not to, and anything he really cared about, Sirius had stored away out of the normal view. It wasn’t much, but there were a few items he cared about enough to put in effort to keep them safe.

“Art’s never really been my thing, but I’d be down for giving this kind of art a go. If more art involved inexact destruction, I probably would’ve gotten into it back at Hogwarts. It would’ve been the one class where I was the star student.” There were several classes that Sirius would’ve had a shot at being the star student in if he had tried, but back in those days, him trying was as unlikely as Witch Weekly publishing the plain truth.

…

Although he didn’t know many of the younger kids well, Sirius was someone who he felt close to. Maybe it was because of his uncle, one of the other good members of the house of Black. “Oi, Siri, you drinking tonight?” he asked. “Your uncle would have my head if let you get too plastered, y’know.” He hoped that the mention of his uncle wouldn’t send the lad into a dark place. Although, Edgar knew he had some sadness still himself over the whole ordeal. Why did it seem that everyone he cared about passed away? Edgar could only hope that Amelia was safe from whatever curse he had on him.

As Sirius took his seat, though, he waved over the waiter and ordered them something marginally better than the wine. The Cackling Stump, anyways, was better with firewhisky and beer, but since Sirius was Alphard’s nephew, he decided to stick with beer. “This one’s actually a good one,” he said, smiling. “Swear on my soul.” 

“When have I been in a pub and not been drinking?” He meant it as a joke, but in actuality, if he were to think back on the past few years, he couldn’t remember a time. Unlike his friends he didn’t have a family of his own or a serious job. If he was ever too drunk to apparate, he could just sleep it off wherever he was until he was sober enough to make it home.

There weren’t many adults in Sirius’s life that he looked up to when he was younger. There were more now, but that was mainly due to the fact that, despite how his heart felt, he was now adult.

Edgar was among a special few people that were close to the only adult Sirius liked as a child that he was also related to, his uncle, Alphard. It hadn’t been a long list to begin with, but it had dwindled over the years since Alphard’s passing. Unlike his own parents, Alphard had been friends with a wonderful variety of witches and wizards. He partied and did business with people of all different ages and creeds, but even with that, there weren’t many of Alphard’s friends left. Between the strange lives some of them lead and the war, people just seemed to disappear.

“I will take your word for it, but I’ll find out for myself soon enough,” Sirius smiled. Without hesitation, Sirius grabbed the glass the bartender positioned in front of him and took a large sip. “That’s fantastic. Why were you even talking about wine when this was an option?”

@sxriusly​

“Well I think it’s dumb.” Marls said their head nodding slightly as they looked at the sign that was saying that their kind wasn’t allowed in the shop. Marlene had just wanted to go on a few errands and get stuff for their apartment and had asked Sirius to tag along. Mostly if they were honest because Marlene needed help getting their new couch into the place and Sirius was free. That and they’d bribed him with beers, but Marls was fairly sure he’d help anyway. 

“I want to steal it and throw it in the trash. Do you think I could get it off before anyone noticed, or do you think that would be a waste of time. I mean the couch could probably wait another day if I get into Jail. You’d bail me out right? I’d bail you out.” 

“Of course I’d bail you out of jail,” Sirius scoffed. As if they even needed to ask. “Why am I even friends with you if not for the promise of illegal activities and unwavering loyalty?”

He squinted at the sign and considered the proposition. Theft was fine. There wasn’t anything wrong with it, considering the shop deserved it for the sign alone. However, as far as Sirius was concerned, it wasn’t enough. Theft in this situation wouldn’t quite send the message he felt he and Marlene wanted to convey. It wasn’t creative enough.

“What if we stole it, and then lit it on fire. We could leave the charred remains in the middle of the street with a sign that reads ‘Get fucked Vintage Oak Furniture’.”

They wouldn’t actually do it. He knew it. Marlene knew it. But, the imagery alone though was worth the energy he spent speaking his violent daydream into existence. Any laugh or smile he got out of Marlene would just be a bonus.

…

Ever since they’d had Harry, James felt like he needed to be better. A better version of himself as a wizard, as a husband, and as a father. Of course, over the years he’d learned to get out of that rut he was stuck in as a kid, showing that he was more than just an arrogant pureblood who thought he was better than people. Truthfully, he’d humbled himself a lot since then, and perhaps that was why he wanted to make sure that he was getting the best gift that he could. 

He was glad that Sirius seemed to like it as well, figuring it must have been good. “I thought so too,” he laughed, giving a nod. While James knew that Sirius’s comment was made in passing, it still hurt to know that his best friend had had a childhood that would never compare to his. While he’d never know what that was like, James hoped that Sirius knew he had found family in the marauders, and that they would always be there to support him and hype him up in place. 

“Alright, I’ll get this one then. Did you want to look around any more or shall we get going?”

“We can get going. We’ll have to take that up to the register first though - we gotta shake the reputation we have around here,” Sirius smiled at James. Shoplifting was not what they had been known for during their Hogwarts days, but the behaviour went hand in hand with the other activities alleged against them, and most of the other ones they were guilty of. Most of the shopkeepers were no longer suspicious of the boys, they knew they had for the most part matured out of their childhood antics, but some of them still teased them heavily for it.

Sirius had thought about getting Harry something Quidditch related, but upon reconsideration decided against it. The two gifts that came to mind were Harry’s first golden snitch and his first broom, but Sirius figured James should be the one to give him both of those. He could just get Harry something from Honeydukes and still be the best uncle ever. He’d have years of taking Harry on crazy adventures to make up for getting him a just okay first Christmas present.

~

Andromeda smiled, almost bittersweet, at the question. Ted was her rock and always had been, the one person who could pull her away from the pain and the generational trauma inherent in the house of Black. Sirius had courage she had not and left of his own convictions not because he was forced out the way she was. She loved that for him and wished him all the happiness she’d found.

“It wasn’t love at first sight if that’s what you’re asking,” she laughed softly. “But he was the very first person I met who seemed genuinely interested in me as a person, he had no preconceived ideas about what it meant to be a Black or the way nice pureblood girls are supposed to act. So he gave me the space and the safety to be myself for perhaps the first time in my life. He looks at me in a way that made me actually believe in myself.”

“Love is supposed to make you feel good about yourself, it’s support and warmth.” She sighed, trying to best figure out how to say this next part. “Or at least, that’s what I think. I love my sisters, and I know I always will. But I couldn’t feel safe there, I couldn’t be myself.”

“When I found out I was pregnant I was fucking terrified of anyone finding out, except for Ted. I never feared his reaction because I knew he would never stop loving me. I couldn’t consider any other life but one with him and our child. So – that’s a long way of saying I always knew but didn’t fully realize it until my back was against the wall and he was the only one who I felt loved me unconditionally.”

Sirius leaned back in his chair, his arms slowly receding from where they had been leaning on the table until his hands rested on his thighs. The whole time she spoke, he was silent. It was a feat his teachers and many other adults from his youth always hoped for, but had rarely accomplished. The only professor who had consistently held his focus in the classroom was McGonagall. Everyone else had to tirelessly earn his attention every time.

As she spoke about love making you feel good about yourself, the faces of his friends came to the forefront of his mind. James. Lily. Marlene. Marlowe. Mary. Remus. Peter. They all made him feel that way, that he could be himself and be accepted no matter what. As Andromeda continued and began to talk about her pregnancy, about starting her family, all of their faces faded away, except for Marlowe’s.

He had no idea what the future held for him, and the idea of starting a family was the last thing on his mind, but as Andromeda spoke he couldn’t help but envision him and Marlowe in the places of her and Ted. If something like that ever had happened to Marlowe, Sirius of course would’ve stuck around and been there for her like Ted was for Andromeda, but- Sirius stopped his thoughts there and kept his mind from spiraling. With this, for him, the only way forward was one step at a time, and where his mind had gone felt like seven million steps ahead. Right now he was trying to figure out if he was sure enough to do anything at all, and that was more than enough for his mind to think about.

Sirius wasn’t any closer to knowing what to do in that moment, but his cousin had given him lots to think about. He’d figure it out eventually, and when he did, Andromeda would probably have him over for dinner hoping to hear all about it.

“Thanks.” He gave her a smile. “I’m still not sure what to do since my back isn’t against a wall, but um... that helps. Thank you.” He knew he’d already said that, but it was worth saying twice.

Marlene and James were both busy. By extension, that meant Lily was busy too, and with that Sirius was out of options. He had other friends, people that he loved and that cared about him, but whoever he reached out to right now he felt like he was bothering, and he couldn’t do that to Mary or Remus or anyone else. Marlene and James were the siblings he’d never had, and over the years the same feeling had been extended to Lily. He could bother them without second thought, but he wasn’t willing to put that on anyone else.

So, to distract himself he went out. At home his thoughts would only end up spiraling to a place he knew he didn’t want to go, so instead Sirius surrounded himself with strangers. Even if they weren’t helpful, the atmosphere would keep his mind occupied. Here things were constantly changing, with people flowing in and out and overheard conversations taking what attention he could give away. However, after ordering his second drink, a better distraction walked in.

“Hey, Peter, over here!” Sirius gestured to the open seat next to him.

who: open starter. where: the cackling stump.  when: november 18th, 2020.

Edgar’s wine glass was empty.

Not that it mattered, because the wonderful waitress was already coming back around to refill his glass. He was the only person here that preferred wine to beer, he was certain, but that was enough to make him keep drinking the white liquid. If he were being truthful, Edgar didn’t even like white wine all that much. He preferred a dry red, something that cut out the sugar and kept him from wanting to gag all night.

Still, here he was, because the reds here were absymal, but it was also the only place he could come to just get away from everyone. Unfortunately for him, a familiar face appeared and Edgar couldn’t help but calling them over. “Oi! Seat’s not taken,” he said, gesturing to the other end of the booth. “I could the company as long as you don’t mind me shitting on this rubbish wine.”

Sirius hadn’t wandered in looking for anyone. He was simply there to grab a beer and try not to think about everything going on in his life. He didn’t want to think about how he wasn’t talking to Marlowe. He didn’t want to think about what James, Mary, and Lily were probably thinking about how he wasn’t talking to Marlowe. He didn’t want to think about Marlene, not that she wasn’t a great distraction from it all, but if he thought about her right now, drunken memories he’d rather not remember while sober would come flooding back so until the embarrassment of those faded, she was off limits too. Beer was all he really needed to distract himself, but talking to Edgar would work too.

He ordered himself a drink at the bar and pointed out to the bartender where he was going to sit. Without hesitation, he took the seat next to Edgar and waited for his original distraction to arrive. “You know I won’t mind. Wine’s never been my drink of choice, unless it’s the kind of night where people are drinking it by the bottle.” Even then it still wasn’t his drink of choice, but he minded it less when the intent was to get absolutely hammered.