The Story so far..

       I'm ready to move on. Out with the old in with the new. I want to feel confident in my own skin. I want to live this year to the fullest and have fun. Bring on 2014.

       I could ruin what reputation you have here even though it's slim to none. Everytime i do something for you, you come home drunk and say more the plenty of things to get you in a ton of trouble. So watch yourself cause one day I will snap and I won't hold anything back.

      It's time to be happy for once. I keep all these things inside me and I'm tired of it. I hate you I really do, every single fucking time we start hanging out again you say it's going to bed different, but no, and I still always believe you. I'm done and over it. Over you. Yes I'm sure if you called me tonight to hangout I'd probably say yes, but that's cause for some reason you will always be that one person. That one person who truly makes me melt and I don't know why. The only time you treat me the right way is when you're sober, and that's usually not the case.

      I guess all I'm trying to say is I'm tired. I'm tired of shit people. I moved to get away from shit people not to meet more. You say i mean something to you well fucking prove it. I have enough going on in my life with work and school to worry about anything else yet I still do. I've tried so hard and yet it means nothing. I'm just ready for the next step. I say I'll move on, but something always brings me back to the same person.

It's Friday night and you're here. Just like most Fridays since we met. We've had our up's and down's. We didn't talk for a long time, but there's something about you. We always come crawling back to each other, and each time we grow closer and closer. They say drunk words are sober thoughts, but when do they turn into those sober thoughts you're not scared to say sober? You tell me about how you're ready to meet my parents, how we're going to build a life, and the next morning it's a kiss goodbye till the next time. How long do you expect me to wait. You told me I couldn't see anyone else, therefore I'm not, but still I'm not going to wait forever. I want you. No one else. Just you. Your goofy laugh, your smile, your personality, and your love. 

Ever since i can remember I've always had a problem with telling people how i really feel. I've had people use me and call me a push over to my face. I tend to hide every thing behind my smile,because I want everyone to like me. I don't want people to sit and talk about me, i guess in a way I'm very insecure with myself. I've had a problem with my weight since i was in 7 grade, i wouldn't say I'm a compete fat ass but i could live to loose a few pounds. Along with that I've always been made fun of for my hair. I'm as white as you can be and i have a fro. My dad calls me afro american, and ever since i started school my hair has been a joke in just about every conversation. saying this it leads me to go back to pleasing everyone, i felt it necessary to help every person who took advantage of me and just keep doing things over and over and not seeing any respect in return. I've lived my whole life like this. Constantly getting hurt by my so called "best friends". Even after moving 2 hours away from my home town i made new friends and turns out they work the same way. They just wanted a house to party at, a person to get the booze, and a bed to sleep in. And after living here a year i finally got the balls to speak up. They trashed my house and used me and hurt me. I no longer talk to them anymore but it still hurts because i thought we were actually friends.  

I try. I try so hard. I'm always put up against everyone else. Whether it's my older sister (who failed miserably at life after high school) or my smart friends. I know my dad doesn't mean it, but why? I'm constantly trying to prove myself. I moved out, I got 2 jobs, I supported myself almost by myself until college started. I come into work everyday and hide all the struggles behind a smile. It's what I've always done. I tell mom i hate it working for you. she says something and then you come at my with fire. Yes, i know it's a perfect opportunity, but is it really perfect foe me? I cant look the way i want, i cant dress the way i want, i have to cover my tattoos, and worst of all i cant stand being around you. You're everything you said you wouldn't turn into. You're no longer my dad. You're no longer the person I turn to to talk to. You're no longer the person i put all my trust. You're my boss, dictator daddy. who shows no compassion, just a man who wants nothing but business. And eventually you're going to notice that your little girl is slowly drifting away and you have no one to blame but yourself.