Sweet Recovery

Yes, my eating disorder is gone....yes I eat freely and love my body.  But do I love myself? my whole self? I don't know.  My BPD causes so much distress in my life. One emotion after the next, self doubt, loving quickly or not at all. How do I fix this? I wish I knew.....

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So it's been a while guys, but HI, I took a long long break from internet due to triggers. And well I can honestly say it helped. I was able to focus on school, which *drum roll* I completed my AA! And now I'm off to UMBC to study my passion of social work. I've got a healthy head on my shoulders 6 months into relationship 7 months sober Training to be a powerlifter. Which has helped immensely in my recovery. I don't look at the scale, I eat when hungry, and I love my beautiful strong body. 2014 was SUCCESS!!! Bring it on 2015

Eyes dart and scan, desperate for salvation. hopelessly I oblige, to the self-consuming lie.

The words you spit so cruel with bile tell me what I am, mirror mirror on the wall? 

Alone in an shameful bed

Blended to the wall to the situation that’s at hand. I do not show myself I reside hidden, by my own command I see you laugh and cry, for I shall do the same Not giving away my secrets instead I’ll feel your pain. I know just what to do, To make you believe, that I can fit to you Make you see what I do see I will blend, and I will fade. Adapting is my skill. This is my trick you see, For it’s done at my own will. A magician of camouflage Master of all disguise, done for sheer protection This is where I do hide.

So my nutritionist recommended that I get 8 keys to recovery. I began reading it and did one of the activities. Different than what I expected. This assignment was to write a THANK YOU letter to my eating disorder. Excuse me WHAT? Basically it was to distinguish your eating disorder from your healthy self. After writing the thank you letter the assignment was to re-read and think about what you could have done differently instead of engaging in the eating disorder. Here's my letter. Dear Rex, Thank you for helping me get through high school. You made it easier to ignore the hurt and torment I was receiving. Losing friends, and other relationships, struggling with classes, and teasing about my weight was very hard for me. You have me some hope of control, if not with everything at least my food and weight. And it worked. You also took away my ability to not feel my emotions. This made it easier to go through the motions of the day. If I didn't have you throughout those years I don't think I would have survived. So many times I wanted to die, to just end it. But you took my emotions and made me numb. This allowed me to go on. You helped me lose weight, get through school without pain or memories. Dear Healthy Me, I know high school was hard. Rex saved you. But you could've sought help from you mom. From school councillors, any outside source. I know you don't like to speak up for yourself, but look at what happened. You didn't gain control, you lost yourself. You're stronger than you believe, you will recover from you disordered self.

Here are a few major functions of body fats: •Body fats help to maintain healthy skin and hair. •To maintain the right body temperature, it is essential to have adequate body fat. • Body fats are the storehouses of energy in the body. •Body fats are necessary to ensure the smooth functioning of cells. •Body fats have a cushioning effect on organs and tissues. •Body fats act as a shock absorber for bones. •The body will not be able to absorb many vital vitamins like A, E, D and K unless they are able to combine with fats. •Body fats are also believed to act as immunity boosters to protect the body from ailments.