Sweetkittyuk

Tommy felt like he was going insane. He knew Evan had to be here. He’d heard it from his coworker, who heard it over the radio. “They said Firefighter Buckley from the 118 was rushed to the hospital after that collapse. I guess he’d gotten trapped in there-”

Tommy had never moved so fast in his life. He’d been out of his flight suit and in his truck in less than five minutes. Had gotten to the hospital in record time too.

And now his hands were shaking.

Staying calm was part of his job. He had to keep himself steady to fly, had to know he was in control.

But he didn’t feel that way right now.

He felt like he was going to pass out.

“Did you… is- when you-” He didn’t know how to say it. Didn’t know if he could. But the lady was staring at him like he was growing a second head. “The morgue.”

Her face softened. “Give me a second, I’ll check.”

He couldn’t do this. Each second felt like an eternity. They’d just lost Bobby. He was still waking up in the middle of the night thinking about it. Still having nightmares that it was Evan in that room, taking his last breath all alone.

“I’m sorry, Sir,” she began, and he felt his heart drop, “our system is slow today. It’s taking a while to load.”

He leaned against the desk, resting his head in his hands. Breathe. “It’s okay,” he replied, voice calm despite the rest of him being a mess. “I just c-”

“Tommy?”

Tommy whipped around so fast it took a couple of seconds for the room to shift back into focus. He sucked in a breath when, standing in front of him, was, “Evan.”

Buck’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “What are you doing here?” he asked. “Are you o- oomph!” He was cut off as Tommy hurried toward him, wrapping his arms around him as tight as he could without hurting him.

“Tommy?” Buck sounded more concerned now. “What happened? What’s wrong?”

Tommy released a shaky breath. “Nothing,” he replied, making no attempt to let Buck go. “Just… Just give me a minute, please.”

Buck was still for a moment, unsure. But after a few seconds, he relaxed, then returned the hug, practically melting into Tommy’s arms. “Take two.”

Tommy tucked his head into the crook of Buck’s neck, closing his eyes and breathing him in. He had changed into a clean LAFD sweatshirt and a pair of sweatpants, but hadn’t had time to shower. Dirt and soot and sweat clung to him, but Tommy didn’t care. All that mattered was that Buck was alive, and in one piece.

They stood in silence, in the middle of the emergency room entrance, holding onto each other. It wasn’t until the doors opened and a man clutching his wrist came walking into the ER that they pulled away from one another.

The concern that had been on Buck’s face before was now on Tommy’s, as he reached up and brushed a tear away from Buck’s cheek. “What’s wrong, Evan?” he asked. “Why’re you crying?”

Buck shook his head, letting out wet laugh. “I don’t know,” he replied, wiping across his nose with the back of his sleeve. “Tired, I think.”

“Here, let’s sit.” He took Buck’s hand, leading him over to the waiting room and sitting down beside him. There was a table next to him, with a box of tissues. He plucked two of them out and handed them to Buck. “I was told you got trapped in the collapse today,” he said. “Were you hurt?”

“No,” Buck answered, using the tissues to wipe away the tears that kept falling, no matter how hard he tried to get them to stop. “I mean, I- I was trapped, but I was fine. Everyone with the 118 was fine.”

“Oh, that’s good.”

Buck sniffed, clearing his throat. He risked a glance at Tommy as he blinked away a fresh wave of tears. “Why are you here, Tommy?”

“I was… A bad game of telephone.”

“What do you mean?”

“I was told about the collapse through a coworker, who heard about it over the radio. Said you’d been rushed to the hospital, and I… I just left and came here.”

“You left work,” Buck questioned, lip quivering slightly, “to come check on me?”

Tommy nodded. “Of course I did.”

Buck’s head dropped as a sob ripped through him. “I’m s- sorry.” He apologized quickly, his voice trembling.

Tommy has his arm around Buck in an instant, a gentle hand running up and down the center of his back. “Hey,” he soothed, “you don’t have anything to be sorry for, Evan. Can you talk to me? Tell me what’s wrong?”

Buck shook his head even as he leaned into Tommy’s touch. “Doesn’t matter,” he answered, palms pressing into his eyes. He was desperately trying to get rid of anymore tears before they had a chance to fall. “S’not about me.”

“I think it is.” Tommy's free hand came up to give Buck’s a squeeze, carefully pulling his hands away from his eyes so he could look at him. “And it does matter. It matters to me.”

Buck tangled their hands together, an instant comfort. “It’s been… I’m not… I’m trying, Tommy, I’m really trying. I promise.”

“Trying what, Evan?”

“To be okay. To be- be what everyone needs. I’m failing though. I- I keep making it about me but I’m not trying to, I’m just trying to do what Bobby asked me to do but I don’t… I don’t know how to do it the right way.”

“I don’t understand. What did Bobby ask you to do?”

Buck sighed, biting at his lip to stop himself from breaking down again. “He told me I’d be okay. He said the others would need me. I- I’m trying to be there for them, I’m trying to be what they all need me to be, but I- Tommy, I’m so tired.” The breathe that escaped him felt like one he’d been holding in since the day Bobby died. His shoulders sagged, eyes dropping to stare at his and Tommy’s hands.

“What about what you need?”

Buck stilled, unsure how to process the question.

“I told you,” he settled on, “it’s not about me.”

“Why not?”

“Tommy, I…” He was uncomfortable all of a sudden. Tommy’s gaze burning into his temple, his hands suddenly clammy. He wanted to escape, wanted out of here.

Tommy held him. Steady.

“Evan,” he repeated, “why not?”

Buck swallowed down the lump in his throat. “I do this, Tommy,” he replied, his voice small. “I make things about me when it- it’s not just me. Everyone misses Bobby, I’m not special.”

“Well, I completely disagree with that,” Tommy said, not a second’s hesitation. “I know everyone misses Bobby. I miss him, and I hadn’t worked with him in years. But, what you two had… you told me he was the father you never had. That’s big, Evan. That… That’s a huge loss. You’re allowed to grieve it.”

And that's what, officially, broke him open. He curled himself into Tommy’s side, ignoring the way the armrest dug into his stomach, and he let himself cry. It didn’t matter that other people were in the waiting area, didn’t matter that Tommy was slowly rocking him back and forth like he was a small child. None of it mattered.

He felt Tommy’s lips press against the top of his head. Heard him softly repeating, “It’s okay, Baby. It’s okay.”

He wasn’t sure how long he cried. He figured it couldn’t have been too long, since Chimney hadn’t called him asking where he and the coffee were at.

But Tommy kept holding him even after his breathing had returned to normal and the tears on his cheeks had started to dry.

“Evan?”

“Yeah?”

“Why are you here, if you’re not hurt?”

“Oh, um.” Slowly, Buck peeled himself from Tommy’s grasp, automatically reaching out to take his hand again. “Maddie- she went into labor when we were trapped. Once we were free, I rushed over with Chimney to make sure he got here in time.”

“Oh my God!” Tommy exclaimed, eyes widening. “Is everyone okay?”

“Yes, yeah, everyone’s good. Um, the baby was born right after Chim got here. I had come over to emergency because the coffee machine here actually heats the water.”

“Ah, got it. Congrats, by the way, for being an uncle times two.”

Buck grinned and, God, Tommy would give everything he had to keep him happy.

“Thanks. It’s… he’s adorable.”

“So he looks like you then?”

That actually got a laugh out of Buck, which made Tommy smile. And then, he couldn’t help himself. He was tired of wondering if each time he ran into Evan would be the last time. He knew he needed to do something about it. “Do you wanna come over, to my place?” he asked, the words coming out in a rush. “Once you’re done here, I mean. I can fix you dinner. We can talk about Bobby, or how you’re feeling, or we can sit there in silence if you want.”

Buck bit at his lip, contemplating his next words. He looked up at him. “Tommy, i- if I come over, I- I’m not gonna want to leave.”

Tommy stared into Buck's eyes, thumb brushing back and forth over his knuckles. “So don’t leave.”

“Tommy-”

“I think we have a lot we need to talk about,” Tommy continued, “but I walked into this hospital today thinking I might be losing you and I can’t… I don’t want to lose you again, Evan. I’m not walking away.”

Buck was pretty sure he’d run out of tears to cry, but his eyes got glassy anyway. “Okay,” he answered. “Dinner sounds good, and talking."

"Good. That's... That's good."

“You, um, you wanna go meet Baby Boy Han?”

“Are you sure they feel up for visitors right now?”