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how to have a hard conversation

1. remember showing up imperfectly is better than not showing up at all. avoiding the hard conversations ensures comfort. confronting them invites growth. which do you value more?

2. define key terms being discussed in the hard conversation. if your partner isn’t texting you enough… what does “enough” mean to you? how do they define it? if it’s regarding you performance at work, how does you boss define “productivity”? often our conflicts are fueled by miscommunication more than anything else.

3. replace judgment with curiosity. curiosity turns an argument into a conversation. instead of rushing to make your point, urge for more clarification. replace rebuttals with, “i want to fully understand. can you explain that to me a bit more?”

4. allow room for silence. even if it’s uncomfortable. silence to process is better than speaking just to speak. this also gives the other person the opportunity to fully finish their thought.

5. if you’re feeling yourself getting defensive ask yourself, “what is this bringing up for me? what is my ego/fear telling me right now? is it true?” sometimes we project our own hurt into a conversation, punishing the person that isn’t even the real source of our frustration.

6. when it’s your turn to respond, acknowledge the points you agree with just as much as the ones you disagree with. find the important similarities between your perspectives when possible. perhaps you want the same things but have different ways of going about it.

7. rephrase what the person said to make sure you fully understood. something like, “what i’m hearing is ______.” then allow the other person to confirm or correct any misconceptions.

8. know when you need to check out of a hard conversation. if the person you’re talking to is not making an effort to hear you or making you feel small, step away. a simple, “i’m not feeling heard right now. i need to step away or revisit this conversation another time” can suffice.

9. remember: sometimes the hard conversation needs to start with yourself. what are you feeling? what are your opinions on the matter at hand? how are you biased? what are your blindspots? how do you want to be a better person? to others? to yourself?

1. Become aware of how and when you tearing yourself down.

2. Now that you can catch yourself doing it. Offer counters to the negative self talk. A really useful thing I read was to talk to yourself almost the way you would child. Gentle and patient. Even when they fuck up.

3. Take time to celebrate your small accomplishments. You’ve been attacking yourself for every little mistake. Apply that same fervor to the positive things in your life. Did the dishes even though you didn’t want to? Fuck yeah! Got up and took shower? YES!!! You are taking positive steps to feeling better. Celebrate it.

4. Make lists of things you’re good at/ like about yourself. The first time I did this the only two things in my list we’re that I liked my hair and I had good friends. It was start.

5. Don’t beat yourself up if you screw up steps 1-4. It’s counter productive. When I catch myself calling my self stupid for some mistake or other my response now is,“We don’t talk to ourselves like that anymore. What’s something constructive that could actually help solve the problem.”

Most of the time that seems to work. Not always. But more and more Everytime.