i like bad movies and crying for no raisin

earthunaltered

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It took me a really long time to unlearn this. When I would get sick or have a “bad day” I would deprive myself of anything that made me happy. Watching movies, eating something I enjoyed, going for a walk, playing video games or just browsing online looking at funny cat videos. I wouldn’t let myself do these things because I was always told that if I’m too sick to go to work, or do homework, or go to school then I must be too sick to play Mortal Kombat or watch Unsolved Mysteries lol.

Whenever I wouldn’t feel good, which I later learned as an adult was due to sleep deprivation caused by my ADHD and depression (and of course the depression itself would cause me to feel like shit), my parents would tell me “if you’re not throwing up, then you’re not sick.” And when I would stay home from school (or even work in my later teen years) my parents would make sure that I didn’t have any “fun.” No TV, no movies, no games, no going outside, no arts and crafts, no books, no nothing. Just lay in bed and feel miserable.

I’m happy to say that I no longer do this to myself. Now when I’m having a bad day or I’m sick (cold, flu or whatever) I allow myself to do the things (within reason lol) that I actually love doing. If I’m not too sick to step outside for a few minutes then I’ll go for a walk. I’ll watch my favorite movies and if it’s a bad day or a cold (something that doesn’t hinder my appetite too much) I’ll eat my favorite foods. I don’t guilt trip myself anymore for having a “sick day.”

Just because you’re sick (whether physically, emotionally or mentally) doesn’t mean that you can’t do things you enjoy. You’re not any less sick because you watch TV. You’re not any less sick because you’re playing video games. 

But there’s a huge difference in effort required for pulling myself out of bed to my computer 20 feet away in the room down the hall, where I can huddle in my chair with a blanket and dick around in Stardew Valley or go blow shit up in Warframe all day without ever talking to another human being aside from Ozz, versus getting up early, making myself look professional and polished, leaving on time, driving to work, and spending 8 hours sitting up straight, interacting with people (which means being socially “on” and keeping up professional demeanor as well as appearance), attending meetings and making calls, having to be focused and mentally “on” enough to keep my work accurate and produce the high-quality deliverables my team relies on me for. If going to work requires an 8 out of 10 on the functionality scale, and playing a videogame requires like a 3, then it’s very easy to be too sick to go to work, without necessarily being depleted down to a 0 and unable to do anything other than laying in bed being miserable. It’s not a contradiction to say “I’m too sick to put out the effort to go to work/school” and also “I am not too sick to play videogames” even if they’re both “just sitting at a computer”.

Resting Space

You know those times when you hear a certain song, or a specific smell wafts by, or something familiar you see suddenly throws you into nostalgia? To one of those rarer times where things were just right. So that suddenly you find yourself in a state of contentedness. Not necessarily happy or sad, but a sort of peace with yourself. A space for your mind to rest. That’s one of those feelings that brought this little lady to life. More specifically: a song called “Elisabeth” by E I S U