am.

Matthew Micheal Murdock was many things. But to you, he was simply annoying. And now, he might just be your last hope.

You were in a predicament, to say the least. Your friend’s valentines day party was coming up, and you had promised her you would bring your boyfriend. The boyfriend is the problem. Or really, the lack thereof.

And that is how you found yourself standing in front of Matthew Micheal Murdock, pleading your case.

“Murdock, this is going to sound really strange but I need a favor.” The tall man was still packing up his things, with his short blonde friend chattering to him about something random. They both look up at your interruption.

“Were you not paying attention to the lecture and now you need my recording?” You bristle at that, though you aren’t sure what he's insinuating. The smirk on his face is enough to know it was a jab.

“Shut it, Murdock. My notes are fine. What I need, is for you to pretend to be my boyfriend for my friend's party.” His friend laughs at that, which only riles you up more.

“And you choose me? I thought you didn’t like me.” That was true, Matthew and you had a rivalry that was well known through the campus. Both of you were incredibly intelligent, and both of you were incredibly stubborn.

“Well, I might not like you very much but I have to admit I’d rather have you pretend to be my boyfriend then someone else I barely know. I don’t have many male friends -I say friends loosely- and you’re handsome. So, you would be the best person to ask to be my fake boyfriend.” You explained it very rationally, for something that was very irrational.

“Ok, so you need a boyfriend to go to this party with you, I’m not even going to ask why, and your first thought was me?” He laughs, but there is a hint of confusion on his features. “I’m flattered, but isn’t there a better solution to this?”

The lecture hall was almost empty, just you three and a couple of other students who stuck behind to bother the professor. You were probably going to be late for your next class, but whatever.

“No, Murdock, there isn’t. I told her I would bring my boyfriend, which I don’t have. And it's a valentines day party, so I can't just say my boyfriend couldn’t make it. I do not want to be the only single person at this party. And before you say “oh, just don't go’ that's not going to happen because I promised her I would go.” You could tell from the look on his face that he wasn’t convinced. “Come on, I know you don’t have any plans. Plus, it’s free drinks!” You were begging, which you hated. But what else could you do? Fake your death so you didn’t have to go?

“Alright, fine. I’ll pretend to be your boyfriend for this party.” His blonde friend seemed shocked that Matt agreed, hell, you were shocked too.

“Dude, are you sure?”

“I’ll be fine Foggy, free drinks.” He turns back to you, that signature smirk on his lips. “One thing, I reserve the right to leave at any time.” That's it? Seriously? But whatever, don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

“Alright, give me your number. It’s tonight, so come to my dorm at 9-ish, and I’ll drive us there.” He gives you his number, and that's that.

You now have a fake boyfriend.

*

It’s all very strange, your rival being your fake boyfriend. It feels like the plot for a shitty romance novel.

You’re laying on your bed, back in your dorm. It’s only 5 pm, but your homework is all done, and now you’re just waiting for Matt to show up. It’s strange, your relationship. Both of you are studying law, so one would think that you would be friends. Two intelligent law students, it sounds like a match made in heaven. But nope. You have a ruthless competitive streak, and he does too. Ever since the two of you had been set against each other in a mock trial earlier that year that you barely won, you were dedicated to being better than him. And ever since, everywhere you go Matthew Murdock is there too. It's a constant game of tug-of-war. One of you does better on an essay, the other does better on a test, neither ever pulling ahead.

It didn’t help that he was incredibly handsome. And single! You would be lying if you said your gaze hadn’t wandered during lectures, admiring his handsome features. And if he appeared in your daydreams, well, that’s confidential.

You groan, rolling over in your bed.

“All good?” Your roommate says, looking up from her work.

“I’m not looking forward to the party tonight.” You confess, rolling over and looking at her. She leans back in her chair, folding her hands together on her lap.

“So why are you going?” That's a good question actually. You told Matt it was because you ‘had to’, but your friend would probably understand if you didn’t show. Maybe a tiny part of you was hoping that it would turn out like one of those romance novels. Matt confesses he likes you and wants to be your actual boyfriend, and you kiss and start dating. But would you admit that? Nope.

“It’s a long story.” You sigh, sitting up. She raises an eyebrow at you, sensing that there's more, but not to pry. “Help me pick an outfit, something cute.”

*

Matt is here. He knocks at your door, startling you. You were sitting at the kitchen table, chatting with your roommate as she bakes. You stand to open the door, and your roommate fixes you with a knowing gaze.

“Hi.” It’s suddenly very awkward when you open the door and there he is, neither of you knows what to say. Thankfully, your roommate saves the day

“Matthew!” Your roommate calls from the kitchen. “Get over here and taste test this. You’re not allergic to anything right?”

He holds out a hand, and you extend an arm to him. The two of you head over the stove where your roommate puts a small bowl of soup and a spoon into his hands. He samples the soup and seems pleasantly surprised.

"It's really good. Is that rosemary?" Your roommate grins. It would appear that he passed her test.

"Yup. That's my secret to making the best chicken noodle soup on campus. I actually have a special blend of spices I use. But I can't tell you which ones, that's confidential." She smiles, taking the bowl back. “Anything you think I should add?”

“Nope, it’s amazing. Thank you for asking me to taste test.” He smiles at her, that wonderfully disarming smile.

“Anytime. I can give you a Tupperware of the soup if you bring my roomie back in one piece.” She smiles back at him, and her smile only grows wider when a hint of pink tints his cheeks. “Alright you two, get going. You’re going to be late.” She ushers both of you out of the dorm, slamming the door.

You’re left in the hallway. You cough slightly and extend an arm to Matt. He takes it, and the two of you walk down the halls to the stairs.

The walk to your car is a silent one, broken only by your shivers when you step into the cold air. You two get to your car, still silent.

“We’re here.” He nods, climbing in. The car ride there is silent aswell. It’s getting to be a little bit too awkward for you.

But before you know it, you pull into the driveway of a house that is very clearly the location for a party. The music is blaring, Lights are flashing, and it just overall looks like a chaotic enviornment.

“Well. Here we are. Thanks again for doing this. I appreciate it.”

“Of course. Now let's head on in, girlfriend.” He grins at you, and you would be lying if your heart didn’t skip a beat.

When the two of you walk in, you're immediately hit by the smell of cheap booze and sweat. Drunk college kids are making out on any flat surface, people are dancing to the too-loud music, but some people are just quietly chatting in corners. How they can hear each other is beyond you.

“Do you want to go get something to drink?” You’re practically yelling just to hear yourself over the music. He nods, and you weave through the crowd of bodies to try and find the kitchen. On your way, you run into the host, your friend. She's clearly drunk.

“HEYYYYYYY!” She yells, capturing you in a hug. “YOU BROUGHT YOUR BOYFRIEND! Omg, you didn’t tell me you were daring a hottieeeee!” You laugh and move to introduce the two.

“This is Matthew-” You're cut off when he snakes an arm around your waist, pulling you close.

“I’m their boyfriend, pleased to meet you.” He’s got his signature smile on his face, oozing confidence. Your heart picks up a little, blood rushing to your face. He’s so close, you can smell his cologne. Your friend giggles, swaying a little.

“I’m gonna get going, but have fun you two lovebirds!” She walks off, chatting up random people. You and Matt continue your search for the kitchen, his arm still wrapped around you. The blush stays stubbornly on your face, and you say a silent prayer in thanks for the low lighting.

Finally, you find the kitchen, which is a lot less loud and crowded than the rest of the house. You grab a beer for yourself and hand another to Matt. He accepts it gratefully, finally letting go of your waist to open it. And if you are a little bit disappointed, well, that's also confidential.

The two of you drink in silence, and after a bit, you start to feel slightly buzzed.

“Aw fuck.” you hit your forehead with the palm of your hand. “I forgot I’m supposed to be driving. Sorry, Matt, I might have to call my roomie to drive us home.”

“It’s alright, I can get Foggy to come down. Or you can spend the night at our place, It’s not too far from here, you can get your car in the morning.”

“Woww trying to get me to stay the night on the first date?” You tease, tsking at him. “For shame Matthew, for shame.” You grin, watching his face get red.

“That's- not what I meant.”

“I know, I just like teasing you.” Normally you wouldn’t be this bold, but the beer has softened you up, made you daring.

The door to the kitchen slams open, shocking both of you. You jump, spilling beer on your shirt.

“Aw fuck-” Your cursing is interrupted by the two people who just barged in, who are clearly drunk and clearly just trying to find a spot to hook up. When they see the two of you, they jump apart, blushing and apologizing.

“Don’t worry about it, we were just leaving anyway.” Matt grabs your arm, escorting you past the blushing couple and into the hallway. You look up at him, puzzled. “Let’s go back to my dorm, I have a spare shirt you can borrow, that one is soaked.”

Holy shit. Are you seriously going to his dorm?

“How far is it?”

“Based on the address you gave me for this place, a couple blocks. We can walk, don’t worry.”

And that is exactly what you do. You’re giggling and he's laughing, the conversation is much less awkward than before. It’s almost fun.

And when he notices you’re shivering, he takes off his coat and hands it to you.

You wrap yourself up in this warmth, basking in the scent of his cologne. It's a very distinct, yet subtle scent. You like it, you decide. You look up at him, the dark shades concealing his eyes, a smile on his face as he animatedly tells you a story about one of his other classes. His nose is pink from the cold, and his breath is clouding the air. He looks beautiful.

The walk back to his dorm is far too short for your taste, and before you know it, you're at his door.

He unlocks it and opens the door with a flourish that makes you smile and laugh.

“Alright, here’s a clean shirt for you to borrow, and I will go get started on dinner. He exists the bedroom, leaving you to change in peace. His roommate, Foggy, isn’t there. Where he is, you don't know.

You change into the plain black shirt he handed you, shucking off your shoes as well. You head to the kitchen to find Matt standing at the table with two cups of instant noodles.

"Dinner is ready." He says with a smile, and you sit down next to him.

"Thank you, my good sir."

"Of course, this is the chef's specialty." He smiles at you. You notice he's ditched his glasses and his warm brown eyes make your stomach flip. Your heart pounds in your ears, and his head tilts slightly.

“Your heart rate has gone up. It’s done that a couple of times today, but I thought it might just be a coincidence.” What’s he saying? There's no way he could hear your heart, right? “Ah, there it is again.” He says it all very casually as if he's simply commenting on the weather. But he’s smirking like he knows what he’s doing to you. “You know what I think? I think you had an ulterior motive when inviting me to that party.” He’s leaning in closer, his hand on your chin. “Do you want me to kiss you?”

It’s all so sudden, and the beer has worn off so you’re stone-cold sober. But still, you can hardly believe what's happening. You nod, breathing out a quiet yes, and all of a sudden he’s kissing you. He’s intoxicating, tasting like shitty booze and mint gum. His lips are soft, and his hand is resting on your neck.

It’s all dizzying, muddling your brain. So much is happening, his lips are on yours, one hand loosely gripping your neck, the other pressed on the small of your back, pulling you towards him. Your hands are tangled in his hair, reveling in its softness.

He pulls you toward him more, bringing you to his lap. You moan slightly, and he uses that opportunity to deepen the kiss, slipping his tongue in your mouth.

You could stay like this forever, but unfortunately, the universe has other plans.

The door opens, revealing Foggy. He’s clearly wasted, probably just got back from a party. You and Matt break apart, panting slightly. His hair is mussed, and you probably look like a mess too. Thankfully, Foggy doesn't seem to notice anything is out of the ordinary. He and Matt exchange idle small talk, but you’re too dazed to comment on anything.

You still can’t believe what’s happening. Matt Murdock, the guy with who you have been rivals with all year, just kissed you. And he was a good kisser too.

Finally Foggy heads back to his room, and Matt turns to you with a smile on his face.

"Well? Want to continue?"

you were walking to court with your black heels on and your very flattering suit when you remember that the defense attorneys you will see today are foggy nelson and matt murdock. nelson and murdock. that was such a name that they'd pick. you had been working at the district attorneys' office for a couple of years now, so you'd never had time to check in on matt.

you've been in love with him since you can remember your first day in college, but he was too caught up with elektra, his girlfriend. and by the time they were over, you were dating a man named seth. he was an asshole and you didn't really like him, and you could tell matt and foggy didn't either. seth would keep you from seeing matt and foggy and honestly ruined your idea of relationships for a decent amount of time.

you're ninety-nine percent sure you're over matt and his antics, but you also hadn't seen him since you were in love with him. you were in for a roller coaster of emotions.

matt and foggy had taken on the responsibility of defending frank castle, the guy who killed almost all of hell's kitchen danger issues. you wouldn't dare to say out loud that what he was doing was right, since you are on the opposing side.

walking into the courtroom, you make eye contact with foggy and he flashes a smile at you, but you don't notice matt with him.

about 3 minutes before court was going to start, matt shows up. late as usual.

you looked at him, but he was determined to get to the front of the room quickly.

court went by slow, and you were taken out of your daze when you hear frank say, "your honor, can i say somethin'?"

"you may."

"you know those, uh... those people? the ones i put down, the people i killed? i want you to know that i'd do it all again. this is a circus, all right? it's a charade, it's an act. it's bullshit about how crazy i am. i ain't crazy! i'm not crazy. okay? i know what i did. i know who i am. and i do not need your help. i'm smack-dab in the middle of my right goddamn mind, and any scumbag, any... any lowlife, any maggot piece of shit that i put down, i did it... because i liked it! hell, i loved it! i'm sitting here, i'm... i'm just itching. i'm itching to do it again. and you think... what, you think you're gonna send me to a nuthouse? some doctor, they're gonna get me to stop from doing what i want to do? well, that ain't happening! not on my watch! you people, you call me the punisher, ain't that right? the big bad punisher. well, here i am! you want it, you got it! i am the punisher! i'm right here! you want it, i'll give it to you. and anybody who came here today to hear me whine, to hear me beg? well, you can kiss my ass! do you hear me? i'm guilty. come on, please, judge! i'm guilty, you hear me? i'm guilty! i'm guilty," frank and his rugged voice shouted through the courtroom and all else you can hear is the audience gasping and being in utter shock of the man on the witness stand. the district attorney grabs your arm in fear, and you tell her, "it's ok ma'am, they're taking him into custody," you feel a reassuring squeeze on your arm.

you gaze over at the blonde woman sitting next to foggy, and all you can do is try to give a sincere look since they just lost the case.

after the courtroom cleared out, you walk over to matt and foggy and bump shoulders with matt, "long time no see."

"y/n? oh my god i haven't heard from you in so long." a genuine tone in his voice got closer to you as he wrapped his arms around you, feeling your warmth.

"i know right, and hey fog," you smile and give him a side hug.

"well what brings you here y/n?"

"well, matt, i was the co-attorney to the district attorney today in court," you chuckle, "what a day it was today. sorry you didn't get the outcome you wanted though."

"well its alright. i knew it was gonna go south right when he asked if he could say something," foggy said.

"well you know he is a good man," the blonde woman interrupted.

"i don't think we've met. im y/n y/l/n, i went to law school with these two," you put your hand out to shake hers.

"hey. im karen page, im helping them with this case, well, closed case now." she chuckles.

"hey y/n, would you like to get a drink at josie's with us?" matt puts his hand on your arm.

your hand is placed over his, "yeah of course."

"alright, well lets get going then."

you're walking out of the courtroom when someone's arm comes around your shoulders, you recognize the scent and the bouldering muscle from his arm.

"well hey," you say.

"i miss you. why haven't you kept in touch?"

"well you know, seth and i," you see his face harden at the thought, "and you and elektra. i didn't want to interfere."

"you would never have interfered." compassion coating his words.

"and," you strung out, "you started your own firm and i just didn't think you wanted me in your life like that."

"well, my firm is started up now, and im single," you see him smile at you.

"oh really, and that should interest me why?" your heart starts beating faster, you miss how you used to feel with him.

"did you know that i can just sense when your heartbeat rises?" he chuckles.

"oh my god, i forgot about that from college. you and your 'heightened senses'," you quote.

"hey, that's real. just like i can feel the heat coming from your cheeks, just from me talking to you."

"okay you can stop now," you hear his low belly laugh and you laugh with him, realizing you miss him just as much as he misses you. "so, you're single, i'm single."

"that does appear to be factual in this moment."

"so can we take advantage of it and," before you can finish your sentence you feel his lips on yours, and his hands so perfectly melding into you, like they were made to rest on your waist.

"yes," he says, "we can."

"about time you guys got together! now come on! i want to get drunk!" foggy yells as he is getting to his cab.

"i bet i'll beat you in eight ball," you snag another kiss before running to the cab and you sit next to foggy. matt is next to you moments after and kisses your cheek, "don't steal kisses woman."

all is well, now that foggy is on your left and matt is on your right, "so, when can i come to your place?" he puts his hand on your thigh and you feel his breath on your neck.

you whisper to him, "after josie's?"

The water slowly cools down to the perfect temperature, the warmness swallowing you whole, your muscles easing up more and more, your mind following in suit.

You won't think about what he's doing, what is happening to him, and how he's going to shop up later. Relatively fine or half dead. He's out most nights, and you are fine with it, but there's just harder times. Like this week. He was roaming the streets all night, not coming home until the sun started to wake, he just barely made it back before all the darkness slipped from the night.

You wish he would be here with you. Just for one night, so you can have him for yourself. God knows you need saving these days, and you feel so guilty for wanting to be selfish, and thinking about pulling him in from the streets. He has a job to do, more than one, but damn you want him to be fully with you, his body mind and soul completely present with you.

You try not to think too much, because hello, this should be a relaxing and calming you time, but your mind bounced back from the thought of Matt.

You feel yourself slip into a comfortable heaviness, sleep creeping up on you like a predator from it's hiding spot. You know you shouldn't sleep in a tub full of water, but you can't stop the process now, and you won't even try.

"What i told you about sleeping in the bathtub?" Matt's voice fills the tiny space, giving you a mild heart attack.

"What i told you about creeping up on me?" Your heart pounding so heart, as you search for his frame at the door, his suit glistening as the mist collide with the material. A smirk on his face would be so freaking cute if not for the blood smudged right along his jaw. His helmet hanging from his fingers, horns pointing in your direction.

"We are even then." He breaths as he slowly gets rid of the devils skin, clothing left on ground in the doorway. "Still, you seriously have to stop. It's a really dumb way to die don't you thin?"

"Excuse me? I'm fine with dumb. At least i don't die with horns on my head and red latex sticking onto me like a second skin." He snort at that, discarding every piece of clothing, standing completely nude in front of you. Body scattered with old and new bruises, scars that healed badly, now a permanent reminder of who he is. He comes home with a new addition to the collection, his body being the gallery of violence.

"You are staring." He states, and you don't even try do deny it.

"Can you blame me?" Sweet words fall from your lips, but he probably can tell how your heart sank at the view.

"Now would you mind?" He asks, waiting patiently for you to move, so he can get in the warm water. You slip forwards, just enough so he can spread his legs around you as he lowers his aching body in the tub. You give him space as he adjusts to the heat, he groans and sighs with every move, muscles aching, wounds burning.

You feel him melt into the hot fluid, legs pressing against your thighs, his fingers gripping the sides of the tub.

You stay sitting up, your face resting on your knees as you collect the feel of him on your skin, savoring the sounds he makes, the moves he makes. As soon as he finds the best position, his hands finds your frame, one on yours shoulder swiftly travelling to your collarbone, the other grabbing you by the waist, forcing you to lean back on his chest.

"Aren't you hurt? I don't wan to..." You try to resist, pulling your upper body back, but Matt doesn't having any of it.

"Shhh, i'm fine."

"Matt" You turn back so you can see his face, the orange shine and the smokey shadows of the tiny candle flames dancing on his features. He is truly beautiful.

"No, just lean back Y/N. Please." He whispers softly, desperate look in his face convincing you to do as he says.

He embraces you with more warmth than the bath, the smell of him mixing with blood and smoke intoxicating in your nose. He buries his face into your hair, leaving small pecks of kisses, inhaling deep just as you. Both of you trying to gather every sensation from the other, after a long week without barely seeing each other. This is now heaven, and you won't getting out of this little bathroom anytime soon.

His hands locks on our stomach, keeping you close to him, your fingers stroking his arm up and down. Your head resting on his shoulders, giving him access to your bare neck. He takes the opportunity, trailing kisses down on the sensitive skin, giving you the goosebumps with the light breaths along the way. When he covered every part of your skin he rests his face in the crook of your neck, humming quietly to you.

"I missed you" His voice muffled from pressing his lips to your shoulder, but you still hear it. You sigh so big hearing those simple but so meaningful words.

"I missed you too." You whisper back, your chest rising and falling with his.

"You can sleep now." He states a little louder, a hint of tease in his voice.

"Yeah? So it's okay now? How's that?" You laugh wholeheartedly.

"Because i'm here." That's all the explanation he gives you, and it's more than enough.

Matt listens as your breathing evens out, lashes falling heave on your lower lash line, body pressing down heavier by the minute on his. You slip into a peaceful slumber, as blood and pain washes of off him, his soul recovering from the happenings on the streets, filling him up with a some sort of ease only you can provide to him.