sveltette's side

no it's not. (for me at least, i'm aware that girlhood differs for every girl). i will never get over the fact that i'm flat and have wide shoulders, narrow hips, and hip dips. everyone assumes because i'm skinny and tall that i'm just bitching about it, but it hurts when wearing feminine clothes and never looking the part.

androgynous face, androgynous body and a hyperfeminine soul is the worst combo ever.

i've accepted it because there's nothing i'm willing to do other than exercise, which doesn't change shape because it doesn't alter bone structure. but i'll never ever be over it...

i went to the dmv today and,

oh my!

it's almost grotesque in how (depressingly) human it is.

the almost too bright lights. if it weren't for the distance, they'd be.

the edge of each light is dim with gray and dirtied by air from human pollution.

some of the tubes glow pink, blood or blushing lights

the fan going so slow, it's going at a dead woman's rate.

it's too human for me, i wish to drown in a world full of perfection and happiness for all bodies including me.

<3

i earned my drivers permit too!!!

10:35 p.m. | 21. 8. 24.

i long for love. i long for life. i live my life without love. plantonic or not.

why must i go on like a hermit? i am a hermit, but i do not want to be.

i feel like the reason why i'm so obsessed with shows that portray and songs that feel like the social teenage experience is because of my lack of a social teenage experience.

honestly i feel like i'm so obsessed with shows, movies, songs, scenarios and etc. that imitate and portray the teenage experience especially the happier/social side of it because of my lack of a social teenage experience. i lack these experiences due to the fact that i'm a backup friend to everybody to all of my "friends".

although i am still a teen, i just have never experienced it. perhaps it's because i'm an off-putting but kind introvert who is usually oblivious to social cues i haven't been taught beforehand.

ever since kindergarten and all the years after that, i now can see it in the way i cared for others vs how they "cared" for me.

in 8th grade, i realized it. and in 9th grade, i said it wouldn't happen again; it did. in 11th grade, i let go and stop taking initiative.

nobody was reached out unless i did it first. nobody cared. i am forgotten.

like kafka, on July 1st, i'm "too tired". yes, i'm tired, too.

𝙹𝚞𝚕𝚢 𝟷, 𝟷𝟿𝟷𝟺, 𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝙳𝚒𝚊𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚜 𝙾𝚏 𝙵𝚛𝚊𝚗𝚣 𝙺𝚊𝚏𝚔𝚊, 𝟷𝟿𝟷𝟺-𝟷𝟿𝟸𝟹

whatever it may be and whatever happened, i can confidently say that i've wasted my teenage years.

in a way.

they're not completely wasted, but i've never had fun with any friends. distancing myself from social media hasn't aided me either.

i just want company. i want to be in the company of a truly caring friend.

if it doesn't occur next school year, then will it ever occur?

i like to be alone by choice but when there's no friends to turn to when i'd like the company, it's not really great.

i'll manage, i've been for years.

10:45 p.m. | 1. 7. 24.

i actually do not have any real friends at school or anywhere. i know and talk to people. i go out of my way to text them, but they never go out of their way. they stop responding.

i guess i'm boring. and i guess i'm becoming so distant from and distrusting of everyone i know that it's becoming a dire need for me to get real friends before i ruin myself and choke out any relationships i have.

i enjoy being alone but not feeling that way when in an area full of familiar faces.

really hits hard during the summer. most people are outside, having fun. and i'm in bed, girlwriting and girlrotting.

have you ever longed for somebody to romantically love you unconditionally?

i long for that type of love. i don't have a specific guy in mind, but i hope i'll be able to experience that type of love in my life.

or at least some type of love in my life. it's like i repel it. i repel romance, i repel love?

whatever it may be. whether i'll experience love or not... with all this considered, i really need a cat or a bunny. maybe both?

definitely both.

10:45 p.m. | 20. 6. 24.