MY HEART IS GOLDEN .

i’ll remember nights alone, and waking up to dial tones. always found my greatest moments In the sound of your hello's. now i struggle to recall the reasons you would come to leave. oh, { c a l a m i t y }.

[text]: listen up, buddy. the only reason i fucked you in the first place was because i felt bad for you. it was a sympathy fuck. but your dick is small and your aura is, like, dark green. not good. not good at all. stop fucking texting me, ass butt. jinkies. [text]: whoopsies. sorry, addie. your dick is amazing and your aura is on point. love ya.

[text]: please come home. i miss you and i have those limitededition oreo’s you like.[text]: also, i think our toilet is haunted. it keepsmaking weird noises. [text]: either it’s possessed or throwing a fitbecause i flushed some weed down it yesterday when my cousin came for a surprise visit. [text]: i’m pretty sure it’s possessed, though. [text]: just fyi.

send ☢ for a fucking drunken text

' so, i’ve decided to send christmas cards to all my fuck buddies. you know, just to show how much i appreciate the orgasms. the only problem is, i don’t know all of their addresses. or their last names. or... uh, their first names. and i really don’t want to address a card ‘hangs a bit to the left’ or ‘birthmark on left buttocks’. ya feel ? ’