Beautiful Surrender

Well, @billfix and I have birthdays coming up. He’ll be 46 and I will be 48.

The sex is outstanding. The romance is top notch. The laughter is wonderful. The love is just flat out amazing.

Age doesn’t matter. Not really. I mean… I have to kneel on a pillow and list toward my good knee, but… it’s still awesome. We get winded and sometimes need to switch it up while fucking because one position can get uncomfortable after a while… But then again, we take our time and it’s anything but boring. Compared to the “2 minute frenzy and then flatline” lovemaking of my youth, I will take our (hot as fuck) actual hours of fooling around.

Also, it’s important to remember that falling in love feels just as amazing no matter how old you get. Also, one benefit of being older is that older folks tend to know themselves better. If we are lucky, life experience has taught us a lot. Bill and I joked the other day about wishing we had met 25 years ago, but at the same time kinda liking that we made a bunch of mistakes with other folks and not each other. It was funny. It was also true serious. We are human and neither one of us is perfect. We are both way more together now than we were when we were in our 20’s figuring ourselves out and fucking up until we got it right. So, there’s that…

Anyway, getting old sucks because your body starts to be like an old car. But, that’s a lot to do with how you take care of it too. Getting old is awesome because you have perspective and a lot life’s drama is out of the way.

I was way too shy and insecure to have a healthy D/s relationship in my youth. Right now is the perfect time for me. I love right now. Right now, on the edge of 48, I am blissfully satisfied with my kinky life.

I’m going to go ahead and express something that I see expressed by many Doms here on Tumblr. I worry about not having enough, not being enough, not helping enough, and ultimately failing my little girl in any way. I am pretty secure in myself as a Daddy Dom for the most part, but like many others, I fret over doing the job well. 

Indigo Sighs has written a beautiful post about feeling small, and that wonderful feeling we have when girls like us find someone safe to hold onto us, and let us explore the world with the eyes and heart and mind of a very small bear. I hope you’ll go read it. I hope you’ll read every word, and then maybe read it again, like I did. Come over here and I’ll show you where to find it. Look, here it is. 

I tried to write a comment to her and tell her how I don’t feel small very much anymore, and how very, very much I would like to come and have a cup of tea with her so I could tell her what it feels like being me just now, but the internet wouldn’t work at all, and everything I wrote disappeared, and for a moment all I could see was steam and rage at the stupid, stupid internet and the stupid, stupid iPad.

So I’ll tell you instead, and maybe if you see Indigo, you can tell her for me.

Lately, I am not small. Lately, I feel nothing like a small bear held safe in Roman’s arms, and instead I am a giant, stomping all over the world. I am quite a scary giant these days. I walk in big boots and wear a big cloak and eat live swans and glare at things I used to love, like raccoons and peonies in the rain and small dogs when they are naughty.

I am a giant, just like in the fairy tales. And we all know that giants are in charge of everything because they are so big, and they rule the castle, and if things are going to get done–well, a giant has to do it. 

And giants work very very late at their desks and giants don’t say yes to anything and giants have no time for things like getting their nails done so their pretty nail polish looks dreadful, but giants don’t care about things like being beautiful. They don’t see the world with beautiful eyes. They see the world as something to be conquered. They see the world as a to do list, and at the end of the day, the to do list had better have a lot of check marks on it.

I am tired of being a giant. I need to find my small again. I was hoping to go have tea with Indigo, so she could help me find it. But the internet doesn’t work like that. Instead, my house is so quiet, and my work is piled so high that I have to be a giant to see over the top of it. So instead of finding small, I reach deep inside for BIG, again.

Roman can help me find small, but he is really quite busy. He is off being a giant, too. But here’s the difference.

He likes being a giant. 

And I do not.

I have been struggling lately with expectations vs reality. In the end, after much reflection, I feel that I must have expectations that exceed the possibilities that life allows at this time. A d/s relationship in a house with children is challenging at best and sometimes feels nearly impossible.

After last weekend’s disastrous miscommunication, I found it difficult to get my mind in the proper place. After much meditation, I’ve found a bit of peace and come to the realization that it will just have to be as much as we can manage with life as it is in this moment and I have to accept this level of ritual/protocol until things change to allow for more.

Today, scrolling Facebook, I saw a little wooden sign, with cheerful yellow lettering… it read “When life becomes too much to stand…. Kneel.”

Epiphany. Though it was certainly meant to have a religious message, it spoke to me about our relationship. When life becomes difficult, I need to take solace and comfort in my submission. I can’t let stress put a wall between me and Sir, I have to strive to kneel more, bow a little lower, and allow him to lead like I’ve asked him to do, and with the knowledge that he does so to the best of his ability and with my best interests at heart.

January 15, 2018

A Daddy Cage

Who needs bars and bonds when I have arms, legs, and a wee baby in need of smooshing? My second scene with Pip was about getting her some much needed time being little, and me getting to revisit playtime with a smol princess. Getting tangled up with @tooprettytolive has quickly become one of my favorite pastimes, and I’m already gunning to do it again. Lots more content to come from this scene. We had a damn fulfilling blast together!

As a submissive, the very worst thing to witness, is your Dominant partner having to deal with so much intense, emotional stress. And you… you feel completely and utterly useless, because there is not a god damned thing in the world you can do to better the situation for Him.

Who’s the Best?

The D/s stereotype is that the Dominant is smarter, more successful, more powerful, etc. than the submissive.

* Is a successful D/s relationship possible when the sub is apparently smarter and more successful?

* Subs - what makes you trust your Dominant partner? Would you accept guidance from a D who didn’t seem to be smarter than you?

* Dominants - if your sub appears to be more successful, why do they put their trust in you?

“It is one thing to be clever and another to be wise.” George R.R. Martin

When I feel too much Or think too much When I am inside my spiral 

Then

Being your vessel Being yours to use Being yours to take Being used by you Fully 

Is needed So much

When I talk a lot, and needing the silence The one that comes from feeling your power over me. Following your command 

When I am exhausted of expressing myself, All I want is to be receptive         To your touch Your desires Your body Your Dominance. 

I need it To reset my system So you can make me empty Take me And fill me with your power So you can break me into nothing Use me And build me back with your loving hands Even more shinning. 

Good morning to you Miss. 

Sorry it’s taken me a couple of days to attend to your ask. Busy holiday weekends you know… When you’re used to having someone take care of so many of the little details of your life, taking it back and being responsible for it entirely yourself again can be a tough adjustment for our subby folk. 

I can think of three ways you can go about seeing that you keep up with your self care:

1. Release protocol: This is when a dynamic breaks up, but the Dom continues to offer care and structure on a declining basis - giving the sub the tools to care for themselves as they take on more of their own care over time. This is sometimes a hard sell as dynamics often don’t end equitably, which makes release protocol a non option. 

2. Foster care: Find yourself a friendly Dom or even a friendly sub who will help to keep your self care organized and accountable. Dominants aren’t the only ones who can support you at the end of a relationship when you have friends and a community backing you.

3. Self care: This is often very hard for a submissive, and sometimes impossible, but if you sit down and write out what needs to be done, and can give yourself rewards when you keep up, and punishments when you don’t, you can begrudgingly take on both roles of the dynamic until you find someone new to take up the D-type role again. Make your task list at the start of the week, and have fun making a pretty chart for you to sticker as the tasks become complete. 

I hope one of these ideas is a winner for you Anon. Good luck with your self care in the days to come.