Undateable Me

I know I’ve done this one before, but these are as ubiquitous as a political ad and can be neither avoided nor unshared. I’m sorry, but there it is. Might as well just read on and enjoy:  

These profiles all have something in common, can you guess what it is? 

Have you figured it out yet? 

“Well, SassyPants,” I hear you say, “this is just a guess, but these profiles all seem to share the same sense of being slightly askew.” Congratulations! You are correct.

These profiles aren’t “run for the hills, ma!” blatant crazy. And let’s be honest, that’s a dime-a-dozen crazy for online dating. No, this is the more nuanced, delicate crazy. The kind that would spook if you startled it, or the kind that would think you’re crazy for suggesting they’re crazy. Gaslight, anyone?

This is a short one today (that’s what she said). I’ll let the photos do the snark-talking for me. Enjoy

Yours truly just got back from the dentist and is feeling all kinds of unpleasant feels, so I thought I should channel this bad juju into my blog. Allow me to take in a big gulp of positivity and breathe out the asininity (new word *trademark*) and let’s prepare for what I’ve brought you today.

Investments and disability, too?? He’s obviously loaded. His very serious face just exudes discernment. I hate to be a devil’s advocate here, but how many successful financial planners also need to rely on disability payments to get by? I’d like to see the numbers on that. 

One of the very best -- if not THE best -- 80s songs, in my estimation, is “Cars” by Gary Numan. Talk about prescient. Underneath that amazing synth are some of the best lyrics the 80s had to offer: 

We’re Americans, and we love our cars. Especially male Americans. They rev their engines, pump their bass-heavy jams, and squeal the tires like a modern mating call in the wild. It’s so obvious that it’s painful, and I’m always left wondering what they’re overcompensating for. No female -- and I mean NONE -- has ever had a hooptie (oh yeah, I’m revealing my age here, I know) roll by with their windows rattling from the bass and compelled her turn to her friend and say, “I bet that guy has a huge penis!” 

But anywho -- let’s begin with a selection of a perennial favorite -- men in their cars. 

Hello fellow undateables! I’m back with a new round of profile pics, and as you will see, some of the captions for these write themselves. 

Do you ever see profile photos and they just look off? Like the person is just one big red flag, proudly announcing it to the world without shame or compunction? You have, you say? Well me too! 

Hello, I’m back again readers (all three of you). I took a little hiatus, I hope you don’t mind. I was very busy falling head over heels for, then breaking up with, and dating again, and breaking up (once more, with feeling), dating (it was just as exhausting for me, believe me), and (finally) breaking up with a guy who likely has an undiagnosed Cluster B personality disorder. So as you can see, my plate’s been full dealing with Mr. Mental these last few weeks. But fortunately that is alllll behind me now, and I’m ready to return for more dating profile takedowns. Let’s dive in. 

Cueing Grace Slick: “One pill makes you larger” --

“and one pill makes you small” -- 

These next two aren’t from a fun-house mirror, but they’re still curious nonetheless AND they were recommended just for ME!  

Not once, but twice this week I have been appropriately shamed for matching with a guy who looked very familiar to me, only to find out we have actually gone on a date -- like IRL -- in the not so distant past. 

I remembered the first guy after he brought up that we had gone out before. It was over a year ago, during that divorce-in-process period when I probably had no business going out with any male person who was not strictly a friend. Bad choices abounded during that time, as will happen when a person is going through a personal hell. Case in point, this guy...

Lesson No. 1: Don’t waste one minute of time going out with a guy who still lives at home. That’s just weird. Well, I should amend that to say this should be a hard and fast rule for any woman over thirty. Twenty-somethings get a pass. 

Fortunately I caught on to this lesson pretty quick, so good on me. However, match #2 did not ring a bell at all.

I know I was in a mental fog until probably the last 6 months or so, but I don’t date so prolifically that I should completely erase from memory a guy I spent 2 to 3 hours with. I think maybe he’s confusing me with someone else. Yeah, I bet that’s it. Or maybe he was just such a complete dud that my memory did me a favor and deleted the experience. If that’s the case I’d like to say thank you, memory, for doing me a solid. 

Lesson No. 2: Do waste time on men who are interesting enough to be remembered. Yes, this by definition will mean you’ll suffer through some disaster dates. But, like AJR’s song “100 Bad Days” says, what good stories those disaster dates will make at future cocktail parties. 

Anyone who’s had a chance encounter with the Oprah Winfrey Show knows gratitude is a big deal, and I try to practice gratitude every day. That’s why I felt especially grateful when I came across these profile photos recently: 

I was euphoric with gratitude, actually. I mean, aren’t these a gift? And I thanked the Tinder gods for being so good and just. These are begging for captions even more emphatically than my 6 year old begs for Goldfish crackers right before dinner time...

I work from home, and I’ve been diligently working away all day today despite the fact that one of my neighbors has had loud music playing continuously since 9 a.m. Why do people always blast music with a really intense bass, anyway? Why doesn’t anyone pump up the chamber music or Gregorian chant? That harpsichord can be baroque as shit if you let it. What these dummies in their tricked out 1999 Honda Civics with their thumping bass don’t know could fill a library. 

But I digress, and what I’m trying to say is, after having a long day I need to let off steam in the form of some serious snark. Is there any better way? That’s a rhetorical question, dahling! Now let’s begin. 

Oh men. Strike that. Oh straight men. How you befuddle me with your style sense. This post is all about the guys who use photos in their profiles without taking into account any consideration of the milieu in which they are in. Don’t they know they can Bokeh that shit out? 

It goes without saying that the role of “Dude’s friend” above is played by another straight man. Straight men of the dating sites, you should all have at least one gay friend with whom you can consult before you go posting photos online in an attempt to attract women. It would help you considerably.

Yes you can remove clothing in an attempt to distract us, but women aren’t as simple as that. Unlike you, we notice things besides nakedness. I guess you could call it multi-tasking or just being able to control our id impulses. Don’t worry though, we women all know it’s beyond you straight men to do that too so we try to give you a pass. But dammit sometimes it’s just too much and we must look away to save ourselves. 

IF YOU TAKE AWAY NOTHING ELSE FROM THIS POST, KNOW THIS: DON’T EVER USE A PHOTO WITH A TOILET IN IT. I can’t believe I had to say that, but I apparently do. But hey, at least the toilet seats are down in the above photos, amiright? That’s something. 

There’s also the men with “eclectic” taste, let’s call it. These are the guys who don’t know there’s such a thing as aesthetics, and they don’t give a damn if you judge them. I sort of respect that. But I would never, ever date that. 

I’m so sorry to have been gone for this long, but I’m here to announce that I’m back baby! It’s kinda funny how dwelling on your divorce and dealing with the fact that your ex-husband has immediately jumped into a serious relationship with a woman without missing a beat can really eat up a lot of your free time. And it hasn’t helped that I've been dating emotionally unavailable men like it’s my job --  one of whom not only toyed with my heart but also stomped on it for a bit for good measure. That’s been my last year in a nutshell folks. We’re all caught up. 

But enough about me, let’s jump right in shall we? Because bad dating profiles don’t take an extended mental health vacations, even if we do. 

Before I do that, though, I need to rant about texting with the opposite sex. What is it about texting that is so difficult for them and why are they so bad at it? If you can talk to people in the flesh you should be able to use that same skill in a written format, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. For example: 

Me: Hey, how’s your weekend going? Have any fun plans? 

Him: Just chillin 

And that’s it. No “what are you doing?” or “just chillin, painting my fingernails and putting on my stage makeup.” I mean, give me something to work with here, man, throw me a bone. I don’t want a paragraph, but surely there’s a happy medium here.

And I know I’m about to break all the rules right now, but I can’t stand the “good morning/good night” texts. 

Him: “Good morning babe”

Me: (grrr...don’t fucking call me babe)  “Good morning :)” 

These are dead end texts. Dead end texts are the equivalent of someone in real life replying to your question of “Hi, how are you?” with a “Good,” and not having the social skills to know that now you ask them how they are. This is conversation 101, people. At least have the courtesy to pretend you give a shit because I have just done that for you. Honestly this may be what’s wrong with America today. 

However I reserve the most animus toward the texters of “hiiiii” or “heyyyy.” Um, yes, hi? What do you want? Why must you be slutty with your vowels? (Y’s are sometimes vowels, just sayin’). What purpose does that serve? If you’re trying to convey something to me here it’s totally lost, and all I end up doing is trying to figure out if or how I’m supposed to reply. This kind of text is basically a non-text. It’s like putting in the very least amount of effort possible into the task of texting, which in itself is the laziest form of communication there is. It’s the slob’s slob of texting. But what do I do? I sit and stare at that message on my phone for an inordinately long amount of time trying to figure out what that “hi” with 5 i’s really means. Fun fact: did you know if you google “meaning of the number of i’s in a hiiiiiii text” you will find a whole slew of (probably) intelligent women basically asking the internet what “hi” means, and the internet replies that 5 i’s (he totes wants to hook up) are definitely better than 4 (he just thinks you’re kinda cute). Here’s how the internet should reply: when encountering a “hi” or a “hey” with extraneous vowels attached, one must promptly hit “block” and move on with one’s life. The end. 

I could write a whole post about the way some people (not just guys) put a space between the last letter of a sentence and the end punctuation, like this: “What you doing ?” or “Let’s get tacos .” WTF is that? Why is this a thing now? I’ve also seen this: “I m going to bed. I ll text u tomorrow.” Is it really so hard to put an apostrophe in that empty space? It’s the asinine stuff like this that I fixate on and I can’t let it go. No joke. 

And now I’d like to direct this last paragraph to all the guys who take the liberty of calling me “babe,” especially the ones who do so right away in the text convo. I know you think you’re being all suave or alpha by being so familiar with me so soon. But the truth is you haven’t earned the right to pet name me yet, and if you call me “babe” within the first few lines of text you likely never will. 

Aaahhh, that feels better. And yes, I do realize I was just promiscuous with both a vowel AND a consonant. I am self aware. 

Don’t you just love it when you encounter a profile with nothing but photos like this: 

The group photo can be useful on a dating site to show yourself at an interesting locale or concert, or to prove that you have friends and aren’t a loser. But here’s my advice: only use ONE of those. The rest of your profile should be just photos of yourself, by yourself. 

Because profiles with more than one group photo are not helpful, it’s just work. None of us have the time to put on our Nancy Drew cardigan and try to figure out The Case of the Mystery Man Seeking a Date (could be a best-seller though, just sayin’). Make it easy for us to figure out who we should be looking at. 

Sadly, the group photo usually leads to disappointment when you realize the one whose profile it is isn’t the one you had hoped it belonged to. It sucks, too,  because those are two minutes you’re never getting back. 

NO! NO! NO! Do not listen to Paolo, Marco, Enrique, or Nico. Crop those motherf*ckers out and stand alone I say! 

I’m back for another installment, and today’s topic is the Snapchat filter. From what I’ve heard women do this exponentially more than men do in their dating profiles. So men, I feel your pain about this too. Let’s begin, shall we? 

Isn’t he cute? Hint: the correct answer is no. He’s annoying as hell. Women already suspect most men are immature, so men, why would you give us further proof? 

If you were 15, then maaaaybe this would be acceptable. But 16 and older? That’s a hard no. 

Maybe these guys are savvier than I give them credit for, because maybe using these cutesy photos is a successful scheme for attracting a young 20-something girl. You know, the kind of girl who thinks this sort of thing is charming, but who does not possess the life experience or the wisdom that comes from years of dealing with soul-crushing mediocrity to realize it’s really just asinine and lame. So let’s pity those poor girls because their time will come. And my fellow world-weary women, let’s be there for them when that realization hits; let’s pay it forward.

Hello. I took a few days off due to Thanksgiving, but now that that’s behind us I can resume my cutting social commentary on online dating profiles. It’s a calling, what can I say? So today’s topic is photos of guys with their kids. Whenever I encounter these I swipe left without a moment’s hesitation. Men, do NOT do this. Actually, I don’t think just men do this, so I will rephrase: Single people of any gender, do NOT do this. 

Kids are not props, ok? Kids are future adults. Future adults who will one day realize that their privacy was violated by their dad (or mom) posting their photo on a DATING website, of all things. And when that day comes they will be super pissed, and rightfully so. If little Susie or Johnny didn’t sign a waiver agreeing to participate in your dating quest for all the world to see, then for the love of god don’t use their photo. End of story.

I get the reasoning behind it, I do, but it’s so flawed. Oh my goodness! Who is the father of these adorable children, for I must date him straight away! Thought no woman ever. No, when I see these photos I actually wonder if the child’s mom is aware that her child’s photo is being used this way, and if she isn’t aware, how she would feel about it. Because if it were me I would feel Hulk-levels of angry. 

I have kids, and I do everything in my power not to let any of my matches even know they exist until I am sure the match is not a psycho. And even then I only give the most generic information, as in “Yes, I have children. No, I will not text you a photo of them.” Because who knows, y’know? I would rather be on the side of caution on this one.

So men, please, don’t plaster your kids’ photos on your profile. Let your own cuteness be enough. 

Here’s another type of photo that’s often encountered on the dating sites -- the middle finger salute. This one is a puzzler, because why is he saying “fuck you” to me, a total stranger whom he (theoretically) is trying to attract? 

My hunch is these guys think their middle-finger photo says, “Like me or don’t, I don’t give a shit. I don’t need you. I’m just on this dating site to check it out for a friend. I already get lots of action.” You got that message, ladies? “Fuck you! Hey, wanna go out sometime?” Oh yeah, soooo hot. 

Men, a little free advice here. When you’re thinking up your dating profile ask yourselves: “Has this strategy ever worked for me in real life?” If the answer is no, it’s a safe bet that it won’t work for you in virtual life, either. 

Welcome to my first “Catch of the Day” post, which I intend to turn into a long-running theme throughout this blog. Today’s entry is a literal interpretation of the post’s title phrase, whereby a man proudly holds a fish he has caught, as seen in innumerable iterations across virtually all dating site platforms. And I’m about to carp (pun intended) about it.

Much ink has already been spilt on the ubiquitous fish photo and its close cousin, the “guy holding a dead animal” photo (which I also plan to discuss in the future), but I reely (sorry) just don’t understand the thinking behind these pictures. Do these guys think the ladies will equate their successful hunting/gathering skills to manliness? Or is the fish a metaphor for their penis size? It’s a mystery wrapped in an enigma that’s been applied to a hook and flung out into a lake somewhere. 

Based upon their popularity there must be women out there swooning over these fish photos, although I can’t fathom (so very sorry) who that could be. But every time I encounter one I think “Oh come on you guys, you’re krilling me with these, I’m not even squidding.” (Last one, I promise). 

EDIT (11/28/17)--I recently encountered this photo, which I greatly enjoyed and wish to share because it gives me hope.