half superman, half peterpan

It’s been so long since the last time I blogged here. I remember telling myself that I won’t anymore because I thought of dedicating this space to someone. However, I realized, this has been an effective safe space for myself. Thus, I would like to utilize it. Nobody knows me here. And that’s what makes it better. For the sake of my mental health, I badly need this out. I am sorry. She won’t be able to read this because we don’t talk anymore and she doesn’t know anything about this blog. Sa makakabasa, pasensya na at broken nanaman po ako.

My love, meeting you was unexpected.

That time, I was just freshly effectively recovering from a heartbreak. I do not want to romanticize the time we met as I was messy, indecisive, and curious. You do not deserved that. This may sound selfish but sometimes, alam mo, I just really feel na favorite ako ng Universe. Kasi despite of how shitty I am, it sent me you. And for that, I was very grateful.

Originally, I didn’t imagine us talaga together. I thought we won’t vibe. Party girl ka and ako yung boring tamad person who would rather stay at home than go out. I already told you about this before na di kita type nun kasi I really thought puro party lang alam mo HAHA. Kaya nung we went to Fully Booked for the first time, I was REALLY shocked that you know a lot. Yabang ko pa nun magturo ng books eh no, not knowing mas marami ka pa palang alam sakin HAHA. Sorry for judging you.

Slowly, you caught my attention. Unang beses na mas lumalim yung interest ko sayo was when we’re outside school talking malapit dun sa may ATM Machine. We were talking about your CalArts. I’m not the type who would stay late in school (unless it’s for my Debate training or org duties), pero I stayed medyo late for a talk with you. Pangalawa, when we met sa pub. I honestly thought we’re gonna kiss there kaya dumaan muna akong 7-11 to buy gatorade hahahah. Tandang tanda ko pa yun. I’m not also the type who would fucking go out just for a talk. In those two events, I knew there’s something going on. Napapalabas mo ko ng bahay, and it’s not something that I’d do basta-basta.

Surface-level, before we got deeper, I liked you because we vibe. Hindi ko nalang namamalayan na napapatagal and napapadalas na yung usap natin. Magkaiba yung personality and interests natin but we vibe. And when things started to get serious, padagdag nang padagdag yung rason kung bakit kita minahal and nagustuhan.

Out of all the person I know, you’re the most genuine. You’re very empathetic and I truly admire you for that. Maganda ka. Cute ka. Classy. Very presentable. Masarap ipakilala sa family and friends. Maganda both speaking and singing voice mo. Matalino. Loyal. Caring. Wala kang pinipili, mapa-tao man or animals, you’re nice and kind to everyone.

The way you loved me is exactly how I wanted to be loved, you were so good at it. I love how you gave me bunch of small kisses in the morning. Until now, I cannot move on from all the food you cooked for me. I remember smiling while eating eggs, legit sobrang sarap and I really don’t know pano mo yun nagagawa. You prepared for me. You clean your room when you know I’m coming. You tell your mom to include tofu sa grocery list nyo kasi you know it’s my favorite. You listened to me. You kept me safe. You took care of me when I was sick and drunk. You tried to get along with my family and friends. You were very patient and forgiving. You did your best to comfort me when my business and investments were down. You were supportive and you believed in me. Baby, you satisfied me so much in all aspects. You’re a wife material. You’re everything that I wanted and needed.

But I messed up. I was toxic. I did A LOT of things that a partner shouldn’t do. God knows how regretful I am and devastated for letting you go. Ako na yun eh. Nasakin ka na eh. Sobra-sobrang tanga ko.

There are times that I thought of begging you to come back. I would tell you to try loving a regretful person because I assure you that you’d see skyrocketing improvements. However, a friend told me that it is not advisable. We all deserve to be loved unconditionally and not just because out of awa. To add, your family and friends do not like me anymore. It would be a shame for you if we’d get back together. And alam ko rin naman na ayaw mo na sakin and that wala na akong chance at all, you made it clear sakin.

Every day, I get scared kasi what if one of your friends would reto you to someone? Or what if you met some hunk guy in your diving classes? I am sure you will. And it pains me so much. Someday, you’ll meet someone who’s completely the opposite of me. Someone who’s fit for you, who matches your interests, and who’d treat you right. Someone na mas magugustuhan ng family mo. Someone na mas makakavibe ng friends mo. As early as now, kinokondisyon ko na yung utak ko kasi ayoko na one day, mabigla ako tapos sobrang guguho nanaman yung mundo ko. It’s an every day battle that I have to deal with. It might not happen now but we both know it will happen soon so I must prepare for it.

When I gave you back your money for our Cebu trip, a part of me thinks na sayang. What if pag natuloy tayo dun, magkabalikan tayo? What if time lang talaga yung kailangan tapos pag nagmeet ulit tayo for Cebu, okay na ulit? Sobrang sakit. Pero my friend was right, torture lang sya sakin. Sobra yung kakaoverthink ko and it’s not healthy for someone like me who’s trying to move on. Sobrang dami kong what ifs. Sobrang masasaktan lang ako kapag hindi sila nagkatotoo. In addition, hindi magiging appropriate yung trip na yun. Mahirap na rin na ako may feelings pa tapos ikaw, wala na. As early as now, pinutol ko na yung huling natitirang “thread” na meron tayo. I did myself a favor. I am sorry that I was selfish and that affected you big time. I am really sorry. I was weak. Hindi ko kinaya. I will still go though. By that time, sana okay na ako.

Obviously, I am not fit for you. You were all prepared. Ako, on the other hand, I am still messy and broken. I am filled with a lot of flaws and imperfections na sana maaga kong naayos. Pero alam mo, believe it or not, I really tried. I really did my best. Whenever we fight and you tell me na paulit-ulit nalang and wala akong growth, sobra akong nagb-breakdown kasi alam ko sa sarili ko na I tried. You might think na I didn’t take things seriously pero kapag nag-aaway tayo nags-self reflect talaga ako. And I hate myself kasi no matter how hard I try, they were never enough. I was filled with insecurities and unresolved traumas and they made it hard for me to grow. I don’t know exactly where I got these but I know, for sure, I wasn’t born this way. There were nights like this when I’m shaking out of too much sadness because I feel so frustrated. I want to grow but I don’t know if I can make it kasi whenever I thought I have, it always seems like I haven’t.

When we broke up, I was completely aware na nagself-destruct nanaman ako. When in fact, I just want you to remember me as someone who tried. Someone na nagpaalam sa grave ng dad mo before kitang ligawan. Someone who immediately bought you new extension nung na-ground ka kasi I was so scared na baka ma-ground ka ulit. Someone who gave you a stupid pillow with my face so you can hug me 24/7. Someone who gave you medicine kit because I know I won’t always be by your side to take care of you. Someone who gave you a really ugly small painting. Someone who remembers everything that you say lalo na sa mga gusto mong bilhin. Someone who awkwardly said “i love you” while doing it. Someone who scanned a handwritten letter and sent it through email. Someone who tried their best to be present during your highs and lows. Someone who went out of their comfort zone for you. But they were not all enough compared to what you have done for me. Just like what you said, di sila enough to make up for the traumas I gave you as a result for the mistakes I have done. And you were right.

If only I could go back in time, I would choose not to meet A LOT of people just so I can focus on you and be less toxic. I would do everything to make you feel wanted like not playing around and confusing you. And kapag naging tayo, I would be more patient and careful with you. Sometimes, iniisip ko sana we can go back to one of our calm days. I miss telling you how much I love you. I miss sending you cute baby gifs. Sana pala we went out more or I visited you more. Fuck expenses. I have been saving and investing a lot just to prepare for our future together not knowing na di naman pala tayo magkakatuluyan.

I was unprepared to love you.

Every day, I try my best to stop myself from still envisioning a future with you. It’s hard. I have loved you with all my heart. I loved your mom the same way as I love mama that I even know na what gift I would buy for her once I get super rich. Di man kami close ng sibs mo pero sinama ko rin sila sa plans ko in the future. Sobrang mahal kita kaya sinubukan ko ring mahalin yung mga taong mahal mo. I am sorry that we didn’t work out.

Still, thank you for loving and choosing me. I know malayo ako sa typical na nagugustuhan mo. I am not talented. I don’t surf. I’m not the loud outgoing type you can present to your friends. I am just me with my boring interests and really stupid jokes. Siguro, advantage ko lang sa iba, mas magaling ako magsulat ng wedding letter kapag kinasal tayong dalawa.

I do not believe in destiny. This is not meant to happen. This is avoidable. But I messed up. I am sorry.

Gaya ng sabi nung vocalist na napakinggan ko, kapag wala na talaga, we must let go para makilala ng taong mahal mo yung taong para sakanya at para na rin makilala mo yung iyo.

It took me a lot of tears and restless nights in isolation but now, I am ready to give you the best anniversary gift I could ever give, and that is letting you go.

Tanggap kong wala na talaga.

Thank you for loving me the way you did. Truly, the song Aphrodite by The Ridleys is a depiction of you. Just like the goddess of love, you were so good at loving. Sadly, yung naging response ko naman was parang Sometimes ni Britney Spears. While you were so good at loving, I am the best with self-destruction. I panicked because you were too good to be true. I am sorry for doubting you. As much as I want it to be, we are not really compatible.

For the last time, mahal kita. Hindi man halata pero sobrang takot talaga ako. At sa mga taong nakausap ko, sayo lang ako naging matapang. Pasensya na sa mga oras na hindi ko nabigay yung tiwala ko sayo nang buong-buo. Mali na pinangunahan kita sa utak ko.

I don’t feel safe outside. As I get older, I realize it more how cruel the world is. People are scary. As much as possible, gusto ko nalang i-protect sarili ko. And every time I think of that, I always envision myself being inside a place where people gathers together to pray, and to study the teachings of the Lord.