Aeron chats crap all the time.

Last Sunday I had the worst dysphoria I've ever had; I hated my fingers and my bones and everything, and I felt physically sick.

I had a bad week, where awesome things only served to pull me out of my awful feelings for a while.

It came to a head on Friday; I had an absolutely terrible evening, most of it my mother's fault. After ruining my evening (so many thanks to my best friend who saved my dinner and to my best friend and my partner for both being there for me to yell and rant at) she came home and yelled at me for texting her, saying I'd ruined her evening, telling me I treat the house like a hotel, and generally telling me my problems are nothing and her problems are infinite.

I'm not going to lie, I ended up cutting myself. I got nothing from it but an overwhelming feeling of shame and guilt. I immediately confessed to my partner. They're the most awesome.

I spent Saturday and Sunday with them. We went out for the evening, we went to their Church, we snuggled on the sofa and watched Airplane!.

but I don't really want to share it anywhere coz it's really dark.

:sigh:

TW: dysphoria

TW: body horror/gore/SH/suicide

CW: religious/faith issues

I have never felt as terrible as I do today.

So I bought a hard packer / play packer (okay fine I bought a 'realistic' dildo to be my dick) a while ago

I just bought a soft packer

And I'm gonna buy some binders with my Christmas money

I've got really short hair, it's gonna be a mohican soon

I'm going to meet my enbyfriends family as Aeron

Just remembering the time when I'd been fantasising about my then-boyfriend as a girl, imagining him in femme clothes and with a more feminine haircut XD His name was Mark, I imagined calling him Marcy

Just remembering accidentally calling him Marcy during sex and him not buying my denial, me admitting the fantasy and him making me promise not to do it anymore.

Just remembering how weirded out he was.

The other day I had a nightmare that I haven't had before.

I was going to an event, with a group, it was a show at a pub so we had our names on the list to go to the show, tickets to go to a special extra thing, and we had to show ID to say that we were old enough.

I went to the door person and I said "Phoenix [surname]" but he shook his head, so I said "It might be under [birth name]?".

And I tried to ask the person who'd organised the group but she was on the phone and waved her hand at me like wait, and I saw that she had put my name down as something else.

I'd got my ticket so it said 'Phoenix [surname]' and my ID was the one I have now

and the door person was like "this isn't even you" and the rest of the group were laughing

and he threw my ticket and ID at me

and this girl who used to bully me at school was there

and I don't really want to write what the door person and the bully were saying at me

i woke up and i felt like crying

but chris was in my bed too luckily it was sunday-monday that i had the nightmare not any other day

Good tips that I completely failed to follow:

- do not tell your dom that you felt fine after last time, that your butt is chubby and doesnt bruise easily

I mean, looking at it, it took maybe a month, month and a half (depending on when you start counting) to get to "I love you, that is a feeling I have and am okay to say out loud on purpose."

That doesn't feel like a long time - last time I felt like that, it took six months of dating, maybe a year and a half of knowing each other.

I know, crazy Phoenix has commitment issues, but that scares me. I'm just running with this coz it's fun and awesome, but it's also terrifying, maybe I'm gonna faceplant.

:falls over:

exciting!