Much of what she lists doing isn’t simply cleaning and maintenance, but it is closely related. It involves thought, and planning:
“Hanging stuff on the walls, putting photographs in picture frames, thinking about whether we should buy new sheets because the old ones are getting old, thinking about the time that we are going to have dinner, thinking about what we are going to have for dinner.”
It is not just that Thompson is cooking dinner, it is that she is planning dinner menus (what would he like to eat?), and thinking of what time to have it – all types of thoughtfulness that go unnoticed. “It really annoys me that I have to think about this. It’s not fair, it’s taxing on me”, she says.
Birth control planning is another issue. “I am the one who has to do the entire research and break it down for him. ‘How long does it take you to get pregnant after the IUD?’ he asks me. “Well, why wouldn’t you make time to make that research if you are thinking we will have kids?”
The same is valid for smaller details of everyday life. “He is looking for stuff. Have you seen my nail filer? He goes to the closet and says he cannot see it. It’s there. ‘Where do we keep the kitchen towels?’ He asks me time and time again. After the third or the fourth time, that shit needs to be learned.”
She continues: “It suggests to me that there is a detachment to home that I do not have the luxury of having. Because if I did, then our everyday life would be a nightmare. So I take on that role. That’s not my authentic self, but I have no choice,” she says.
So Thompson picks her battles (don’t we all?), and the question remains – if we are socialized from a young age to be this way, is it possible that we really are better at it, even if nature did not make us so? Should we just shut up and get on with it because the world would probably stop turning if we didn’t?
Or is it time we started forgetting the birthdays too, time we stopped falsely screaming ecstasy, and demanded adequate, formal remuneration for emotion work provided in the workplace as a skill?
Now that, right there, would probably be a shake-patriarchy-to-its-core revolution.
‘Women are just better at this stuff’: is emotional labor feminism’s next frontier?
It’s so much more obvious during holidays, when so many women do so much work to have a colorful Christmas. My mother always, always did the bulk of the decorating (and only got my father to help by YEARS of persistence on her part). My dad has never bought gifts. Ever. It has always been my mother’s job. She buys Christmas gifts for him, but he rarely does for her.
With family gatherings, the women are always trying to keep the peace and keep the men’s tempers down. Without fail, we always expect a male relative to throw a temper tantrum, scream, scream louder at anyone who tells him to calm down, and leaves in a huff. (And then this man is welcomed back with smiles and no expectations of an apology for scaring the kids.)
they say “next frontier” like we’re not still fighting all the other shit
(via anticipatedrepudiation)
I just read a great article about emotional labor as it relates to the holiday season! (It’s a little #notallmen but still)
http://thefinancialdiet.com/dear-men-get-your-shit-together-this-holiday-season/
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