be patient, good things are coming your way :)
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be patient, good things are coming your way :)

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谁有期待谁落空 谁不设防谁收获
that very amorphous thing we had, if it was even a thing at all - i promised myself i would leave it behind in 2018, and not let it affect my 2019.
for the most part, i think i’ve been making it work. strangely enough, it’s easiest for me to be natural and unaffected around you when we’re interacting one-on-one - because then we get to define our own dynamic, separate from external relations.
it’s when we have to interact as part of our larger group of mutual friends that i completely drop the ball. i do whatever i can to keep my distance from you in the group. i disengage from whatever sub-conversation you’re a part of.
it’s unhealthy and isolating social behaviour on my part, i know.
but i just can’t. if i interact with you within our larger group of mutual friends, then i have to regard you as a friend.
but after everything that’s happened in the past year, even though technically nothing very much happened... there’s no way that i can see you or trust you as a friend.
you weren’t there for me when it mattered most.
today we went out for lunch as a group and as we were sitting at our table waiting for our food i felt so uncomfortable i was starting to wish i’d just grabbed a quiet lunch by myself.
what really aggravated my agony was that you attempted to take care of me with a couple of small actions. there were only two copies of the menu, each just big enough for 3 people to occupy. i was sitting at the edge of the group and couldn’t see the fucking menu at all and had to strain my eyes and pretend that i could see shit. shortly after you passed me your sub-group’s menu.
afterwards when my food was one of the first to arrive, you passed me utensils.
my level of discomfort and awkwardness was that obvious, i guess. did you feel pity for me? whatever it was, i hated that i had put myself in such a position that you had to “take care” of me, even if these were relatively small acts.
after everything that happened (and didn’t happen) last year, these acts, no matter how well-intentioned, are meaningless to me.
New Years Wishes
1. I hope you know you have nothing to prove. 2. Please stop wanting to end life early. Every sunrise is made for you. Realize that every night the moon kisses you good night and the stars ask that you choose to stay. 3. I hope you find time to be more grateful. 4. I hope the world surprises you with beautiful things in return. I hope what is normal never becomes boring to you, and you always see things with a sense of wonder. I hope you still believe in magic. 5. If it’s past midnight and you’re still awake for no reason, go to sleep. Rest. Clear your head. You will have more strength tomorrow. 6. Stop hiding behind your sadness. Wipe your tears, let it go. Learn how to be alone without hurting. 7. Learn to actually be there for people. You will be amazed how good real companionship feels. Believe me, you don’t appreciate your friends enough. Show them. Share your life with them. Be happy together. 8. Cherish that guy. He loves you; stop doubting it. Be there for him, not because he needs you, but because that’s where you want to be. Protect each other. 9. I think you already know who you are, deep inside. And it’s not how you think of yourself on a bad day; it’s not how greatly others think of you. You’re confused now but you’re trying. One day you will be greater than all of this, and you won’t even realize it. 10. I hope this is the year you become everything you want to be, but with a heart like yours, you will always want more: to do more good in the world; to be better, kinder; love deeper, love truly. Despite your struggle, I hope you realize you’re already all you must be. 11. Continue to live in the best way you know how.
here are some happy life tips! :)
hello world, here’s me miraculously blogging again!
any way. i have a thing for co-living / dating reality shows. in particular i was a huge fan of the korean co-living / dating reality show Heart Signal (which currently has two seasons, both of which i watched). i recently started watching the Chinese spin-off of Heart Signal, 心动的信号 (currently 3 episodes in, no spoilers please), which inspired me to evaluate and reflect on dating approaches.
first off, having watched both seasons of Heart Signal as well as the first three episodes of 心动的信号, i’ve got to say: to-date, Heart Signal 2 is my favourite iteration of the co-living / dating premise, ever. if you have to watch only one co-living / dating reality show, watch Heart Signal 2. the cast was amazing - all very good-looking and fairly accomplished people who each had their own distinct personality and went all-out for that one person they were interested in - and most of them were very endearing. (i’m a huge fan of do gyun in particular - would date you in a heartbeat, do gyun!)
my preliminary thoughts on 心动的信号: the cast appears slightly subpar in comparison to the casts of Heart Signal (especially Heart Signal 2). on the superficial level, the cast is not as good-looking, although i can see that the production team made efforts to cast generally above-average looking people. on the more substantively important level though, a couple of the cast members are just blah (thinking of 向天歌 and Oscar in particular). to give them the benefit of the doubt, i’m only 3 episodes in so far, but in these 3 episodes they have failed to exhibit any real personality or to make any real efforts to pursue their particular love interest. they don’t give the vibe that they are seriously looking for their other half.
having said the above, i think 心动的信号 is still worth watching for fans of co-living / dating reality shows in general - the panel is pretty entertaining and engaging, and there are always lessons to be learnt from watching people trying to pursue a relationship.
that kind of lackadaisical dating approach exhibited by 向天歌 and Oscar got me thinking about how one should approach dating (yes that’s right i have opinions on dating even if i have been single for the last 24 years).
i think that if you are interested in someone, if you are serious about someone, you put in the effort to appeal yourself to that someone. you actively create opportunities to interact with that someone, to show him / her your best qualities. you make it damn clear that you are interested. you don’t just sit back and wait for love to magically happen to you. you put yourself out there and you put up a fight if you have to. if you want something, you have got to put in a real effort for it. this applies regardless of gender. if love matters to you, then it’s worth trying and fighting for.

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Yeeun x dingo music
(180325) haechan :: touch
天王寺七坂の桜 by igu3 on Flickr.

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Three Simple Rules In Life.
every day that i go home i reflect and give myself a pep talk to try to calibrate my mindset in order to increase my chances of surviving traineeship and, more importantly, establishing myself in the profession. sounds crazy, but i have to do it in order to change and grow. i need to be aware of what i’m still lacking in and i have to push myself to address them. i believe that, with the right mindset, i can change and grow.
it has certainly been an eventful first week of 2018, in both good and bad ways.
*
visited the doctor today. he’s a doctor i’ve been going to since young when my family and i used to live in bukit panjang, and we’ve continued to see him even after we moved away. he’s literally seen me grow up over the years - from a little girl to a trainee lawyer.
i typically only go to him when i really, really need medical attention, so he typically only sees the worst and most vulnerable side of me every time i visit him. it’s one of the reasons why practising medicine never appealed to me - constantly dealing with people at their worst and most vulnerable seems kinda depressing to me, although it also gives the doctor a great deal of power. also, as someone who is very anal about hygiene, i wouldn’t be ecstatic to face sick patients every day, honestly speaking.
sucks that i fell sick at a time when i have to give my best every day, but i’ll cope and pull through somehow.
let’s go
right now all that my mind can really process is that it needs sleep. i should be sleeping right now. i will, very soon.
already 3 days into the new year and i have yet to work out my game plan for 2018, and it makes me feel unsettled. i need to sit down and have a thorough and honest conversation with myself asap. self-reflection is neither the easiest nor most pleasant thing to do, but it’s necessary for my personal growth.
it’s time to start adulting, whether i like it or not. gotta swap out reluctance for enthusiasm. no matter how difficult things get from here on out, i know i’ll pull through, because that’s what i always do.

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melancholy winter thoughts
You’ll come again today, without fail
What happens if I see you?
I’m carefully waiting
But I’m not expecting anything
I’m just blankly staring at you, then I leave
From far away, I wish you would only look at me
Hey you, do you know my heart?
These days, I’m like a child every day
Hiding as I look at you
You, are you hearing my words?
I’m still not brave yet
So I’m silently leaving again
Hyunjin (LOONA) - Around You
listening to this song again, a year after its release, because the production company just released a new music video for it.
i remember listening to this song this time last year in the Tsinghua library. it was cold and i was alone even amongst other students in the library. i jammed my earphones into my ears, and this was one of the songs i played on repeat to get me through that day. i remember how, in this song, i found some solace.
(171208) irene - peekaboo