why not?

that very amorphous thing we had, if it was even a thing at all - i promised myself i would leave it behind in 2018, and not let it affect my 2019.

for the most part, i think i’ve been making it work. strangely enough, it’s easiest for me to be natural and unaffected around you when we’re interacting one-on-one - because then we get to define our own dynamic, separate from external relations.

it’s when we have to interact as part of our larger group of mutual friends that i completely drop the ball. i do whatever i can to keep my distance from you in the group. i disengage from whatever sub-conversation you’re a part of.

it’s unhealthy and isolating social behaviour on my part, i know.

but i just can’t. if i interact with you within our larger group of mutual friends, then i have to regard you as a friend.

but after everything that’s happened in the past year, even though technically nothing very much happened... there’s no way that i can see you or trust you as a friend.

you weren’t there for me when it mattered most.

today we went out for lunch as a group and as we were sitting at our table waiting for our food i felt so uncomfortable i was starting to wish i’d just grabbed a quiet lunch by myself.

what really aggravated my agony was that you attempted to take care of me with a couple of small actions. there were only two copies of the menu, each just big enough for 3 people to occupy. i was sitting at the edge of the group and couldn’t see the fucking menu at all and had to strain my eyes and pretend that i could see shit. shortly after you passed me your sub-group’s menu.

afterwards when my food was one of the first to arrive, you passed me utensils.

my level of discomfort and awkwardness was that obvious, i guess. did you feel pity for me? whatever it was, i hated that i had put myself in such a position that you had to “take care” of me, even if these were relatively small acts.

any way. i have a thing for co-living / dating reality shows. in particular i was a huge fan of the korean co-living / dating reality show Heart Signal (which currently has two seasons, both of which i watched). i recently started watching the Chinese spin-off of Heart Signal, 心动的信号 (currently 3 episodes in, no spoilers please), which inspired me to evaluate and reflect on dating approaches.

first off, having watched both seasons of Heart Signal as well as the first three episodes of 心动的信号, i’ve got to say: to-date, Heart Signal 2 is my favourite iteration of the co-living / dating premise, ever. if you have to watch only one co-living / dating reality show, watch Heart Signal 2. the cast was amazing - all very good-looking and fairly accomplished people who each had their own distinct personality and went all-out for that one person they were interested in - and most of them were very endearing. (i’m a huge fan of do gyun in particular - would date you in a heartbeat, do gyun!) 

my preliminary thoughts on 心动的信号: the cast appears slightly subpar in comparison to the casts of Heart Signal (especially Heart Signal 2). on the superficial level, the cast is not as good-looking, although i can see that the production team made efforts to cast generally above-average looking people. on the more substantively important level though, a couple of the cast members are just blah (thinking of 向天歌 and Oscar in particular). to give them the benefit of the doubt, i’m only 3 episodes in so far, but in these 3 episodes they have failed to exhibit any real personality or to make any real efforts to pursue their particular love interest. they don’t give the vibe that they are seriously looking for their other half.

having said the above, i think 心动的信号 is still worth watching for fans of co-living / dating reality shows in general - the panel is pretty entertaining and engaging, and there are always lessons to be learnt from watching people trying to pursue a relationship.

that kind of lackadaisical dating approach exhibited by 向天歌 and Oscar got me thinking about how one should approach dating (yes that’s right i have opinions on dating even if i have been single for the last 24 years).

*

visited the doctor today. he’s a doctor i’ve been going to since young when my family and i used to live in bukit panjang, and we’ve continued to see him even after we moved away. he’s literally seen me grow up over the years - from a little girl to a trainee lawyer. 

i typically only go to him when i really, really need medical attention, so he typically only sees the worst and most vulnerable side of me every time i visit him. it’s one of the reasons why practising medicine never appealed to me - constantly dealing with people at their worst and most vulnerable seems kinda depressing to me, although it also gives the doctor a great deal of power. also, as someone who is very anal about hygiene, i wouldn’t be ecstatic to face sick patients every day, honestly speaking.

right now all that my mind can really process is that it needs sleep. i should be sleeping right now. i will, very soon.

already 3 days into the new year and i have yet to work out my game plan for 2018, and it makes me feel unsettled. i need to sit down and have a thorough and honest conversation with myself asap. self-reflection is neither the easiest nor most pleasant thing to do, but it’s necessary for my personal growth.

You’ll come again today, without fail 

What happens if I see you? 

I’m carefully waiting 

But I’m not expecting anything 

I’m just blankly staring at you, then I leave 

From far away, I wish you would only look at me 

Hey you, do you know my heart? 

These days, I’m like a child every day 

Hiding as I look at you 

You, are you hearing my words? 

I’m still not brave yet 

So I’m silently leaving again

                                                                      Hyunjin (LOONA) - Around You

listening to this song again, a year after its release, because the production company just released a new music video for it.