flowerpetals.

How Sunny could lean against a doorframe with a murderer before her was a mystery to him. He’d never truly get used to someone not scurrying away from him. On the streets especially; people would make a point to avoid him. They kept their distance like he was some horse that’d kick. Well sometimes he wanted to, except his ‘kick’ was far more dangerous. And it was good to see him again? That was a new one. In fact, being who he was, Felix let himself live through a brief moment of doubt. If she truly was fearful of him, then of course she’d be doing her best to be sweet. Maybe someone even put her up to it. Why would Sunny, of all people, want to spend time with Felix Shea? Nothing had ever humiliated him before, but the drainage of hope could be a start. Then came the kiss, to just as quickly tug those reasonings away. ”I doubt I deserved that.” He told her with a slight tilt of his head, for a moment dazed by the sweet gesture. For once he hadn’t flinched away from someone’s touch; something he was used to seeing from people near him.

“So… This surprise that you were talking about… Is this something I’ll experience today?”

He took her hand. For whatever reason, Felix Shea had taken this woman’s hand. It hadn’t even been a second thought, but an internal need for something that he’d been deprived of for so long- physical touch. Felix didn’t accept just anyone though, and the fact that Sunny had become the only exception was a forever mystery. Around her, Felix even thought it might be possible to love again. Truthfully it was past his current state, but with time..who knew. “It is,” he allowed, still trying to keep most of it a secret, “and I hope you’ll like it. It’s something I do if I feel…” Like an episode was coming on. Like he was losing his mind to an invisible black hole. Like he was close to nonexistence. “If I can’t sleep.” It was mostly a lie, but Felix guessed Sunny would be able to tell. He led her down the hall and then to the elevator where he paused after hitting the button. Somewhere along the way he’d pulled her close to his side, and had even glared at a few people passing. Possessive, maybe, but Felix didn’t like how anyone looked her way. Unless of course that person was him.

“I doubt I deserved that.”

There was a part of her that felt slightly confused about what she was supposed to do when seeing Felix again. They’d spent a night together, they had kissed, they had held each other in their arms until they woke up in the morning. A kiss to the cheek was just what felt safe. It wasn’t too much, and it wasn’t too little. It was a small sign of affection, which was what she had wanted to show him in the first place. “Deserved the kiss?” Sunny asked, and quirked her eyebrows up in surprise, and almost playfully nudged at his arm with her elbow. “I mean… We did spend a night together, and we did kiss… I feel a kiss to the cheek was well deserved.” Felix had this intense misconception that he didn’t deserve to have anyone important in his life, that he didn’t deserve to have anyone caring for him, but in the short amount of time they had spent together, she had grown to care for him. In what way, she couldn’t really say yet, but she did. She cared, and that was just something he was going to have to get used to. And when he took her hand, her fingers wrapped tightly around his, making sure that he didn’t let go. It was too good a feeling, she didn’t want him to let go.

“It is, and I hope you’ll like it. It’s something I do if I feel…” […] “If I can’t sleep.”

She could crush his heart into embers, and he’d still reignite.

Felix was waking up. Something about her had struck him hard. Sure he was lost- and maybe he didn’t expect ever being fixed- but would that make him him if not? Would it humanize him? Could he possibly end up loving her? She was his own perfection, and not what the Capitol told him was perfect. He could crush her skull in the palm of his hand, and yet she had him handle her with such delicacy. In a way it was infuriating. It was positively outraging. But to his shameless Capitol admirers it would be a glorious chance for a publicity gold mine. Bastards. If the worlds came crashing down, it would be impossible to let any God take her from him. He was the only God with that ability. He loved her in some strange way, but couldn’t begin to explain how just yet. Felix really wasn’t sure about what love was. He’d never felt it before. Ethereal’s death had shattered something, and his plan had always been to never uncover what was lost in those depths. The abyss could remain.

Mm, well, that's ironic. You're a trouble-maker, aren't you? But I trust you not to get me into any sort of trouble. I'm too important to be left waiting? There's a compliment if I ever heard one. I'm looking forward to... Whatever it is you've got planned.

Breaking rules too? Are you going to get me into trouble, Felix? I must say though, I am intrigued by this, so I'll definitely be willing to break a few rules with you. Someone like me? And what does that mean, exactly? So I guess I'll see you soon?

A surprise? Now you've got me all curious. And excited too. Okay, so... You'll come over later, and surprise me? Well, if it works out, that is. I do trust you. I'll just- I'll be waiting.

Then one day, you'll be surprised because things are just a tiny little bit better. It's gotta have to happen eventually, you know? I'm not... I'm not saying you're a gentleman, even though you've been so toward me. Might have something? Something what? What are you talking about, I'm so confused right now. And intrigued. What are you talking about?

Then... We'll go to District Two. It'll work out, you'll see. In one way or another, things will have to improve eventually, right? Let's see, why do I want to spend time with you... Because I've seen more of you than the broody, hard exterior, and I've liked what I've seen. Tonight? No, no, not as far as I'm aware, no. Why, did you have something in mind?

Well- I don't. So, now you know that. If we can't go to Two, and we can't go to Ten, where else would we go? We have to go somewhere, after all. And maybe... Maybe I could make your home district a little more bearable? I just... I want to spend time with you. It doesn't matter where we are, honestly.

Then... There will be one person there that won't hate you, someone who won't stare and whisper. I'll be there. It'd be easier for me to be in Two than you coming to Ten, you know. Angry... I think I can- I think I can imagine what you'd say. I- I don't know what we are. We're... Enjoying each other's company?

I've been to District Two, it's not so bad. It's... Different than all other districts, but it's really not that bad. But okay, I won't come with you there, not unless you want me to. But what would you tell Snow to allow me to come though? It- Well, we can't exactly be open about... Whatever this is, we are.

Hey, any place you are can become better as long as you're in the right company. And I qualify as... Somewhat decent company, don't I? Alright- And those reasons would be what? Just don't do anything that'll put you in a dangerous position or anything, okay?

I could- I mean... Maybe I could go with you to District Two? I could pretend to be there for work, perhaps? But really I'll just be there with you?

I care about you too, and I know that it's... Complicated, and that- Well, that no one can know. Just as long as we still get to spend some time together, I'm more than happy.

It’s getting difficult to pretend that I don’t care, you know.

Before Felix could push himself away from her she was pulling him back down. It was becoming unsafe; too easy to become attached. Sunny was distracting, dangerously so. He wished he couldn’t smile; even biting the inside of his cheek proved faulty. His mouth parted as he turned to answer her, and holding back a smile was inevitable. Felix never focused on looks before; in fact he hardly cared. Why did it matter when a relationship wasn’t in the cards for him as it was? Why did it matter when women shrank away from him after knowing who- and what- he was? Sunny, even with her hair disheveled and exhaustion clearly masking her features, was still the most beautiful person he’d ever seen. The reason for the smile wasn’t just merely because of her looks, but of her in general. “Morning,” he replied softly, running a hand over his face and through his hair, “better than well. I haven’t slept in a long time- not like this- or soundly for that matter.”

"I’ve never just… Slept with someone. Proper slept. It was… It was nice. A big change from what I’m used to, but it was nice."

The smile he’d been wearing quickly faded at her next statement, and was replaced by a heavy frown complimented by darkening eyes. They’d had a conversation similar the night before, and Felix didn’t want to ruin the morning by bringing it up once again. He forced the words back down his throat and swallowed the beginnings of an angry demeanor. “I’m glad you feel that way. You should more often. It should be your choice, after all, what to do.” Lifting himself up Felix stood and began to stretch; his focus having been completely lost on the previous task of leaving. He wanted to stay, for as long as possible. “Are you hungry? I’d like to make you breakfast,” he offered, “as long as you don’t tell anyone I can cook.” Felix mused, not interested in losing the image Panem had built for him; the one Snow demanded he keep. “What do you like, pretty lady?”

"Morning." […] "Better than well. I haven’t slept in a long time- not like this- or soundly for that matter."

It was strange, considering Felix had been wanting to leave the night before, yet he had chosen to stay. And now, he almost seemed as if he was wanting to leave too, except he seemed to be hesitating more than he had the night before. He was even smiling, and it was a very good look on him. And to think that he had claimed to never smile, yet she had seen his lips quirk up in a smile several times since he came to her room. He’d told her that he hardly ever slept, but she didn’t think he had moved even a single inch during their night together, not at all. And he looked well rested too, he looked more peaceful than she had seen him since they got to know each other. “I’m glad I could help you sleep," she said, a wide smile spreading across her face. It was a nice thought, that her just having been there beside him had helped him sleep, helped him calm down enough to allow his body to rest. He had probably needed it though, after years of feeling restless, years of not being able to lay down and have some proper shuteye. "How long, exactly, has it been since you've slept?" she asked, simply being curious about it. She still slept, some nights, but Felix might just have her beat on that. 

"I’m glad you feel that way. You should more often. It should be your choice, after all, what to do." […] "Are you hungry? I’d like to make you breakfast." […] "As long as you don’t tell any I can cook." […] "What do you like, pretty lady?"

I forgot about that bit actually. I guess I've forgotten that I have to pretend, I'm just so used to saying the same phrases over and over again, maybe I've come to... Believe them. Not that I do, but you know what I mean. Yeah... It's not... Not like that though, it's just- A new friend, someone I can talk to. It feels very nice, someone who doesn't want to get to know me to get in my pants, you know?