sun

You greeted him with a simple “hello” before asking him whether you could sit at the space beside him or not. If you weren’t listening intently, you could’ve missed the silent consent he replied to you. You asked him the most mundane things you thought of, questions that are normal for a kid. You learned that he loves bread, he reads books as a pastime, he loves taking care of the flowers in their garden, he even helps in planting some.

He asked about yours too and you happily indulged him with things about you. When you told him you love dancing, you heard him let out a soft snort. You were about to take offense at his reaction but chose to ask him about it first, which was a good thing you did as you learned he really does not know how to dance. So, you taught him how to dance. You started with the basics and sometimes would laugh about how robotic it looked like seeing him do a move that you did gracefully. He would glare at you for laughing at his mischief but you can’t stop giggling whenever you see him pout. That was the scene that welcomed your parents, chuckling among themselves at how adorable the both of you were. They made the right choice of match-making them, they thought. With that, they were at ease that their children would be taken good care of even when they were gone.

Since then, you have always visited the Nanami household every weekend to teach Kento dance moves you learned from the dancing school your parents enrolled you in. You always looked forward to weekends because it meant seeing Kento again. Even at your young age, you knew you felt something strange whenever you went to their residence. You always feel giddy, your heart thumping when you get close to him, you feel your stomach swirl with emotions whenever you see him smile or pout or laugh. At a young age, you knew that he was the one you wanted to be with for the rest of your life.

The both of you were eighteen when the engagement news was spoken of in a joint family dinner. The both of you sat beside each other, comparing your scores in the quiz you had earlier. Of course, he would get a higher score than you, as always. And as always, you would treat him to a lot of bread for winning the bet again. It was a jovial moment that was broken with the news of you being tied to him when you reach 25.

He doesn’t have any lover, or as you’ve heard. Neither were you. You were about to feel happy about the news because undeniably, Kento is your first love and the last. You’ve been loving him in secret for a while now and hearing you’ll be tied to him, even if it sounds selfish, it made you glad. You wouldn’t want to be wedded to any person other than him. Yet, you felt your happiness shatter when his expression turned into a stoic one upon hearing the news. He asked you first if you had any idea about it and you honestly told him no. 

Your heart shattered even more when you heard him protest about the whole engagement thing. At eighteen, you’ve reached your breaking point when you’ve heard the reason for his refusal, “I’m in a relationship. I love my partner and only wanted to be wedded with her.”   It didn’t take you long enough to know who the person was because you’ve seen how he treated her with utmost care, eyes sparkling with emotion you’ve never seen directed at you. It was only for her, Shoko. At eighteen, you finally knew what heartbreak felt. At eighteen, you saw how your friendship shattered right in front of your eyes.

You were twenty-one when you finally made a move to mend your broken heart. Your parents were disheartened when they heard you’re moving to a new place far-away from them. It was under the disguise of wanting to pursue what you wanted in a place where you can start from scratch. You never mentioned it was because you can no longer take the heartbreak of seeing your future spouse showering the love of his life all the love he could give. You were starting to feel envious and greedy and you knew it would do you no good. It would do no good to your and Shoko’s friendship. It wasn’t her fault for loving the man you wanted to be yours. It wasn’t Nanami’s fault either for loving someone like her. She was lovely. Although she may appear cold and nonchalant, you know she treats Nanami well, given how their relationship is still going on till now. The fault lies in the predicament you and Nanami were in. It wasn’t your choice but you can’t blame yourself either because secretly, you wanted this too. You never wanted to break the engagement, wanting to push through with it. 

At twenty-one, you left the comforts of the place, off somewhere to start again. You left with hopes of returning with a smile yet what you got was far from what you hoped for.

You returned, albeit forcefully, to the place where you first experienced a broken heart. Your parents demanded you to come home as the date of your wedding was drawing near. The years you spent away made you forget the huge responsibility you have once you reach 25. So here you are now meeting with the coordinator to prepare all the things relevant to your wedding alongside your future spouse who never spoke a word since you arrived. In his silence, you knew he was seething with negative emotion that you do not dare to name to prevent yourself getting hurt more. With every question thrown by the coordinator, it was you who indulged, giving your opinions. You would ask him about his preferences too but all he gave you was either a nod or shrug, a telltale sign that he was not interested and he doesn’t want to be wedded to you.

When the meeting has ended, you invited him to eat at the place where the both of you spend the rest of the time after school. You were surprised that he even agreed to dine with you, highly expecting him to decline. There you sat across him, eating the meals you knew like the back of your hand. You struck up a conversation with him, just like how you did when you were eight. You asked questions again, like a person getting to know one. You’ve heard he’s working in their conglomerate, still reading books for his pastime, still loves bread, and he has his own flower farm somewhere. It felt like nothing has changed, all the things he liked before, he still likes them till now.

The only thing that has changed through time was how he treated you. Before, you could see how the end of his lips curled into a smile but now you could barely see it. Before, he would pout whenever you laughed at him for being bad at dancing but now you never see him doing that as you never taught him how to dance again. Before, he would exude a radiant aura whenever he teases you but now, he doesn’t radiate the same energy anymore. He may have the same likes before but you knew it was entirely different now. You may have been one of the persons he treasures dearly before, you knew it entirely changed now. 

Before, you were the first friend he ever made. The one that would go to their house on weekends to bond with him. Now, you were just a nuisance, a person that destroyed his dreams of marrying someone he loved, loves rather as he made it clear how his past lover still has his heart till now. “I may be legally yours but know that she will always be my love. Even if I’m about to marry you. Even if she belongs to someone else now.”

The third time, he dragged you to a festival. Spring was coming and he said he wanted to watch how the cherry blossoms bloom, signaling another season has passed and a new one will begin. The fourth time, it wasn’t anything extravagant but it was memorable. Both of you just drove away from the city, towards a place where you would get a better look of the lights that illuminate the sky and the busy Tokyo night. It was memorable because that’s when you first kissed. It wasn’t anything steamy. It was soft, delicate, and innocent. You don’t really believe in butterflies in the stomach nor noise in the background getting shut like how they state it in rom com books but it was the first time that you actually believed as you felt something swirling in your stomach when he cupped your cheeks, diving for more. You parted ways with your mind filled with nothing but the thought of how you wanted more.

Dates still went on, communication still went on too. Every date he asks, he always has something in store for you, imprinting the memories in your mind. 

But sometimes, he leaves you wondering when he would not reply for days. The first time you had a taste of it was after the stunt during your stargazing. You texted him you’re off to bed and wished him good night, too. He would reply in an instant, no longer than 3 seconds but that night, you waited longer than you expected. It was unusual that you stared at your phone for more than a minute waiting for his reply yet you did not get any. He cleared it, although it took him 2 days to give you an explanation and his apologies.

He said it was for work. You perked, unaware of what his line of job was. You inquired yet all he said to you was it required something physical. You squint your eyes, not liking the thoughts that started to build with his response. He sensed it and was quick at assuring you it doesn’t involve killing someone. He was nowhere near the person whom he met years ago. He isn’t killing someone, yes, because he is technically killing something. Something that you don’t need to know and he doesn’t need to explain. You won’t see it anyways.

Whenever his work would be needing him, he disappears for days, a week at max and comes back to pamper you twice as much to make up for the times he wasn’t around. He said he does that because he missed you too. 

Just like how he was pampering your face the moment you tend to the door upon hearing the doorbell ring. He didn’t say his greetings nor waited for yours to finish and dove immediately to give you his affection. The night was filled with laughs and stories about both your jobs, though he left some details about his. You missed him so much and you got a little selfish to ask him to stay with you for two more days. He promised to stay for the night and the rest of the days. Even promised to take you out on a date at the place where you first met.

So there you were, sitting at the corner, all dressed up, waiting for the tall figure that promised you a date to make it up to you for the days he was away. People come and go, yet you stay there. You noticed how the waiter who served you your fifth glass of wine looked at you with emotions akin to concern and pity. Looked like somebody stood you up but you believed in Satoru, he would come back.

So you came back the next day, and the next, and the next. Sitting at the same exact spot, watching how people come and go, waiting for him. Unmoving, afraid he won’t be able to see you. Everyday you prepped, from the clothes you wear, the food you’ll share, the things you’ll do. There were days you felt hopeless, especially when you’d hear whispers from the crew how you’ll stay there throughout the day yet nobody came to see you.

You were close to giving up and when you were just about to, the person whom you’ve been waiting for for years suddenly showed up. Your heart raced, you wanted to leap at him and hug and kiss him. You wanted to say how much you missed him, you wanted to ask him how he had been. You wanted to ask and do so much but you halted when you saw him in close proximity. 

It was funny, how those people whom you don’t even know have so much input in your married life. You tried not to listen so your night won’t be ruined but you can’t help but to catch one saying ‘I know why he chose to marry her. The resemblance is so uncanny.’  Just by that word, you already know whom they are pertaining to. His long gone wife, the woman he loved first, the birth mother of the child who was sitting on your lap and babbling words he just learned from his relatives today. You had to stop and remind him that the word ‘fuck’ is not a good word and made him promise to not say it again. You knew who had the audacity to teach the little child with curses. You wanted to reprimand them but you already knew what would likely be the outcome of it, a look of disdain from their clan, Zenin. They don’t even bother to hide it, from the moment you were introduced to them by Toji up until today, your wedding. The one good thing that happened during the introduction to their clan is that the twins, Maki and Mai, whom Megumi's aunts, liked you. Another is that Toji would always remind you that their opinions hold no power over his love for you. 

Despite the frown upons and disdain looks, Toji loves you. You hold on to that.

But the grip on the declaration of love slowly loosens. It started when it was his deceased wife’s fifth death anniversary. You only met Toji two years ago, when little Megumi was just three years old. Married him almost a year ago. You accompanied him in her graveyard before, although Toji was hesitant to bring you with him but you insisted. It was awkward, watching him cleaning her tomb, placing a bouquet of flowers replacing the withered ones, and talking to her portrait, introducing you. You felt awkward but never mad. You may not be in his place but you know how hard and painful it is to lose someone important to you. 

Just like last year, you asked if you could visit her again but this time Toji refused, just asked you to look after Megumi. Perplexed, you agreed. You wished him a safe trip and he responded with a thank you and a kiss on your forehead. You said i love you just like how you always do before he finally gets out of your house, expecting an i love you back but all you got was a soft close of the door. You didn’t pay much attention to it, giving Toji a space since his grief is greater today.

That day, he came back tipsy. You could smell alcohol from his breath when he laid down on his side of bed and hugged you tightly. You didn’t pry, you understood his misery. All you could give him that night was a hug back and kisses on his face. You hoped tomorrow, Toji would be better than that night, feel a little lighter.

But it was otherwise. He looked worse. He had bags under his eyes due to the overtimes he had to take that you don’t know what for. He just told you that Megumi would go to school soon so he had to work twice as hard to provide for his needs. It was valid as Megumi is already five, he might start to get schooled next year. You let it pass and understood him, again. The late night cuddles and morning kisses became less, too. It felt like the Toji you have right now was a different one. He was starting to feel like he’s not your spouse anymore. He’s becoming more and more distant, like slowly coming back to the Toji he was before he met you. Cold. Detached.

Your breaking point was when he came home one night, drunk. His co-workers, Gojo and Nanami, and even Geto had to drag their drunk workmate to his home. Feeling grateful and sorry for the three men who were groaning when they settled Toji on your bed, you invited them for a late night tea but they refused, saying you don’t have to bother and assured you that it was no big deal.

You then proceeded to tending to your drunk husband, shredding his clothing off and giving him a quick sponge bath. You were in the middle of putting a shirt on him when he suddenly said ‘I love you… my wife’  You can’t help but to smile, hearing him declaring his love for you even drunk. That soothed your heart only for it to break into pieces when you heard somebody else’s name, not yours. It was her, his long gone wife. You wanted to cry, hearing him repeatedly proclaiming his love for someone he no longer has.

he would always hold tsumiki's hand whenever the three of you cross the street. he would wave his hand a little to tsumiki as a goodbye since her classroom goes the other way, something he never does to you when you are also in a different class from him. he would talk to tsumiki about how his day in class go than to you, who silently indulge yourself in the information he happily, albeit only a little as he says, shares tsumiki.

you are biologically his sibling, the only biological family he has yet it made you feel like a stranger in the household. not that tsumiki would ignore you just like how your twin was doing. she would always ask you how have you been, always prepare your favorite when you were sad, would always help you with your studies when she sees you struggling. tsumiki was a blessing, really. she is something your brother is not.

but on a rainy night, megumi was inside his room, probably reading a magazine he borrowed from his classmate. tsumiki was washing the dishes the three of you used and you were on the living and dining space, head spinning with the voices in your head. they would say how worthless you are as megumi's twin, how you are lacking something, how megumi would never love you as his sibling. you didn't know what triggered these insecurities but there they are. slowly and surely consuming your thoughts, blocking your senses, that you didn't notice tsumiki asking you what's happening. that you didn't notice how your hands alone broke the only table your household have from the strong grip you didn't notice you were doing on the edges. that you didn't notice how you strongly shove tsumiki aside, only realizing what you've done when you've heard megumi's voice, asking tsumiki to wake up.