half blade, half silk

Hi. Remember that time I had a huge major depressive episode in June and by the end of the month had cut off all my friends, stopped eating and sleeping, and stopped wanting to work ? Same. Anyway, the outpatient treatment at the hospital was too expensive, so I didn't go to that, but I set up a hardcore recovery plan for myself that's helped a lot. I obviously still have PTSD, and am working to handle the after-effects of everything I've unrepressed, but I feel like a different person. But in a good way. I've been on tumblr for about six years now, and I have a lot of mutual. So I'm posting an update before continuing to be off the site for... ever? Months? A year? I don't know. Anyway, here's updates: - I'm not trying to be sober, but I don't get past buzzed. I can go to bars and, for the first time in my life, stop drinking once I start. I rarely surpass a beer and a half, or 2.5 glasses of wine. I never drink liquor. - I've started hanging out with friends at least five times a week. I'm not cutting people off anymore. I've made several new friends in the last few months and got closer to the old ones. I'm done burning bridges. - I said "rape" out loud, talked about my rape and accepted its happened. - I got a new job at my favorite coffee shop while doing video for my school paper. I have an interview for a newspaper in Portland for this upcoming summer. I also adopted a cat. His name is Pepper. - Accepted I am not my trauma, and traumatized isn't an adjective to describe me. I am Brianne, and I have trauma. And that's just my past and that's it. - I went home for the first time in six months and when the flashbacks hit, I pulled myself out of it. I pulled myself out of my dissociation. I hung out with my best friend from home (who has a tumor that might be cancer and has a failing liver so I came home to visit her) and talked to her for hours. Then I visited the Detroit Instatute of Arts, then a coffee shop in Detroit, then my grandma, and came home. But like my real home — the apartment I share with my best friend. I had a wine and craft night with a few friends. - I have a notebook full of 73 pages of unrepressing memories of being abused, my triggers, coping mechanisms and when I've been the unhealthy person and why. And how to forgive myself for it (because it's fucking hard). - I've recognized I can't be in a healthy relationship because healthy relationships feel too foreign to feel deserving, so it scares me to the point I become unhealthy. - Ive been pushing myself to paint and create more. I've read 20+ books since the first week of July. - I've communicated more, both with expressing what I'm proud of and what bothers me. It's healthy and cool. I'm a fan. For example, (this is also connected to the rape thing) I was making out with my friend, and right when we were about to fuck, I changed my mind and told her I didn't want to have sex instead of touching her anyway like I have in the past. And it was okay, and good, and I felt strong. I've come to realize I don't need to be sexual to be valuable to people. We cuddled a lot, and she told me she was proud of me for telling her (she knows my sex issues),which meant a lot. - Focusing on myself instead of orbiting my life around someone else. - I feel pretty and kind and smart. I know now that I'm really great of a person that just has a lot of shit to figure out. And that's okay.