sundi

and your hand on my shoulder

music is getting louder

I’m dancing around your lies

It’s gonna take me seconds to figure you out

when you speak it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth

I didn’t go home last time

I think i should go home this time

would it be better to kill you with a knife so sharp

than with this silence so loud

our feelings change like the seasons

it seems like i’d be dead without medication

it’s 1 a.m. and i’m drunk crying in the backseat of a taxi

is it really this hard to love me?

these questions linger at the back of my mind

i’m in the same place no matter how much I run, cry and try

i need a good kiss from your lips before we say goodbye

it’s been a year

you said i was everywhere you looked

even when i wasn’t there

you lost me right there where you found me

same bar, bad songs and beers

i said i’m leaving

you said i got it all wrong

“you’re all in your head and i did nothing wrong”

it was scary to see how easily someone could lie

right to my face

now i’m alone again

i looked at your face for the last time before i got into the taxi

i’m good when my baby’s good?

i guess you have a place in my heart that i don’t want to admit

you keep calling me yours, i don’t get it

i begged for this forever

now you give me a bouquet with a note that says “we will always be together”

i breathe in, i breathe out

some days we try not to fall apart

i said your mistakes ruined the love spell

and you said “it wasn’t magic, it’s real

and i’ll make it okay”

my icy heart melted there

just one memory was enough to bring you back to life from your ashes

my world shakes with one question

what would happen if I stayed

your promises became a knife and stabbed me in the back

three years later i’m still haunted by what if’s

i forgot your home’s street and the taste of your lips

you were the only forever i believed in

then i became this monster,

i became this hurricane

i hate being under control

thinking made me lose sleep and dreams

“should i change my hair?

am i getting addicted to my medication?

am i really the person they say, do i need meditation?

why do things turn upside down?

why do i keep finding myself defeated on the ground?”

lights changing when it’s getting late

blue to purple and now red

we’re going home, all my clothes are wet

it rains and rains

on the way home i think i’m better off alone

my pale face looks more dead now

summer blues

“is this the right thing to do?”

signs are never there when you need them

magic never works when you’re desperately in pain

the hand that wakes you up from nightmares won’t be here anymore

i have blood all over my ugly face

ice cold days broke my bones

i used to be so pure and so sure

about life and love

he loves me, he loves me not

they rip me up

i saw it in a dream last night

running means nothing when you’re tied to stones as heavy as your doubts

i spent the whole night wondering if i could make this right

but no one’s willing to get into a burning house

i have no time left

the rabbit hole gets deeper and deeper

i’m so far from waking up

tell me quick

does he love me

and it’s tapping at my window

your hummings still at my ear from the times you used to call

now all i have is a couple of clothes

that smell like you

pain is leaking from my eyes

i’m not allowed to cry

everyone says this is the right thing to do

you’re a stranger passing by the street

i’m thinking about us while staring at the ceiling

i’m lying fully awake listening to you breathe

we’re a cliche, we’re a sad love song

we can’t take our hands off from each other

lusting over me is easier than giving me your all

you said “i can’t promise i won’t call”

i can’t be asking for too much

cold winds

walking hand in hand and we saw your friends

took a seat at their table,

they were freshly engaged

something about it made us wonder

is this what we wanted?

your eyes were shining and that night you told me you loved me when we were in bed

i stayed silent till the last minute

later we were invited to their house for dinner

we were miserable and i didn’t even look at your face

on the way home

i guess you were sure that it wasn’t what you wanted

and you started to miss your past

all the memories you had

without me

playing our song

it reminds me of the times my ring hanging from your necklace

you laughed and kissed it

making big mistakes took my hand from yours

i told you to be careful than before

we reconnected after two years

you took someone in your heart and lost her

and i looked for something better

i guess we both couldn’t find it

love’s a lucky charm

you have to be careful to hold it

but your touch was poisonous and your footsteps cursed

anywhere you go

you bring this sorrow with you

and all of my days turn to blue

a gunshot to the memories

now our days are passing while we stare at different ceilings

if i’m so good at cutting things off

why the bleeding never stops?

I’d open my window and smoke

and say this city never gets cold

after years, I moved back in

all I can feel now is the freeze in my bones

it’s hard to act like nothing happened

for a long time you were all that I wanted

now we see different dreams

we feel different feelings

I forgot the times you were mine

I painted all the walls with the colour of your feelings

you started to say “us” after the nights we watched the same ceiling

more than a year

I ate your lies like candies

my friend asked “do you really think this is what love is?”

temper, storms, broken glasses all over the house

I live behind the shadows while you live for the applause

my hysterias won’t leave us alone

sometimes it’s just a lie

I’m still crying over the past like a fucking kid

I haven’t smoked a cigarette you lit

for so long

your body and mine

we were actually doing fine

with your lies and mine

we were still doing fine

did you change for her

and leave your agony with me?

it took me months to forget how things used to be

but still I look desperate in my town

boxes of wishes covering big dirty lies

but for my take

i’d like to see you in my dream once again

christmas market, our first kiss

i was about to cry when i thought “he’s the one”

you put my gingerbread girl bracelet on my wrist

they make long wishlists

your name was at the top of mine

one second after i said i could finally breathe

you choked me with this silence

days before the new year