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First, nothing is wrong with you. Loving or missing an abuser is more common than people think. Here are some reasons why you might feel this way:

Abusers aren’t always abusive. You might miss the good moments or wish there were more of them.

They said they loved you. Especially if you were a child, you may feel like you have to love them back, or that not loving them is wrong.

You miss what could have been. You might long for the love, care, or support they should have given you, even if they never really did.

They made you feel dependent. If life is hard now, it can feel like you need them, because they trained you to believe that.

Self-blame. Many survivors believe if they had just been “better,” the abuse wouldn’t have happened.

Missing or loving an abuser doesn’t mean the abuse was okay or your fault. It often means you’re grieving. Grieving the good moments, what you wish the relationship could have been, or even the version of yourself that never got to exist without the abuse.

Your feelings are valid. Loving or missing your abuser does not excuse what they did, and it doesn’t make the abuse your fault.

I get asked this question often, and the truth is: medical trauma is a wide and complex term. It can look like many different things, but at its core, it’s about the major emotional distress that happens as a result of illness, treatment, or experiences within the medical system.

Medical trauma can include things like:

Medical procedures or surgeries

Experiencing severe pain or discomfort for long periods

Being dismissed

A frightening diagnosis

Bad treatment experiences or unkind medical staff

Medical neglect or outright medical abuse

Therapy or mental health treatment that is harmful (yes, therapy trauma is real)

It’s important to understand that medical trauma isn’t only about things “going wrong.” Even if the doctors and nurses do everything right, a person can still be traumatized. Medical procedures, even when life-saving, can be terrifying, invasive, or leave you feeling powerless. Being intubated, undergoing surgery, or waiting in uncertainty about an outcome can all take a toll on your nervous system.

And then there are the times the system does fail you. Being ignored, invalidated, or gaslit by medical professionals about your symptoms or pain can cause lasting harm. Chronic patients, disabled folks, and people who experience repeated dismissal are especially vulnerable to this type of trauma.

Medical trauma doesn’t have to come from a “life-threatening” illness. Any treatment, diagnosis, or ongoing medical experience that leaves you distressed, fearful, or powerless can be traumatic.

There’s so much more to say on this topic, but if you take one thing away from this post, let it be this: