the sumner catch

If by “herbal alchemy” you mean that birthday boy toy Sam Floros did his level best to get everybody snookered with some of his special weed, then yes indeedy. Also there was kissing aplenty, general shenanigans, and at least one hook-up. Don’t you wish you were there, Gentle Reader? You can recreate it by toking up over a candle and kissing your hand!

We have to disagree with you there, Gentle Reader! Teddy Aynesworth is fine and good in the face. However, his personality is completely entirely booger, like when you’re in the cold or dry and your snot goes hard in your nose and it’s super-painful and if you pinch your nose it’s sharp and brings tears to your eyes? Like that.

Dear Mr. Clean,

We don’t know what you think you’ve seen, but are you sure of that? After all, Burns is a megalomaniac turn-of-the-century freak who cares nothing for the comfort of others, and Smithers is a toadying overly-persnickety wishy-washy slave to his boss and....

We stand corrected. Carry on.

He .. they ... WHAT!??!?!?!

This week?

Dear Mackin’,

It’s completely appropriate in every way! The way we see it, there’ll be one of two outcomes: your girlfriend won’t be thrilled but she’ll appreciate that you wanted to tell her the truth, or your girlfriend will immediately jump you and demand that you describe the event in lurid detail. So spill away and make sure to let us know how it turns out!

We will never turn our backs on Sweet Babbu! We are not being dared to say that either. In fact it’s somewhat likely that we will be served with a restraining order soon enough. But it will be worth it!

By disturbing, do you mean this?

2. pyewacket

Ma’am, are you sure that you were calling the Sheriff’s Department and not the ice cream store that has almost the same number? We tried the number for the police and even though we were on hold for fifteen minutes we eventually did get to speak to somebody.

We’ll forward your report to Deputy Sheriff Pettaline for you. Please give Mr. Fiffles a treat of his choosing on our behalf.

by Fei Fei Poppleworth

We’ve all been under the pleather lately what with Captain Trips ripping through Sumner and making us look like extras from a Chloe Sevigny vehicle. But your intrepid girl Fei Fei has found one little glimmering light of hope in all of the dreck: we’re (mostly) all infected! This means that contagion is a moop point, and so we can indulge in what we all need a little bit of.

And that, my friends, is Cuddling.

More specifically, Sumner’s Club-a-Cuddle. This group was founded by mermaid Copper Horse, who found that xie got lonely up on land but didn’t so much want to visit relatives in the deep blue sea to get some snuggling happening. Xie rented an apartment, rigged it up with couches and mattresses and binkies and stuffed toys far as the eye could see, and began Club-a-Cuddle!

“There’s no dirty touching allowed here,” Copper said firmly when I brought up the obvious. “We had a witch spell the place, so if there’s unwanted or sexy touching, the people involved get fin-rot.” When asked about the effect on non-finned beings, Copper looked flustered and said vaguely, “Everybody has some kind of fin don’t you think” before filling xir mouth with the complimentary gummy candies.

I managed to snag some of the patrons to see what they thought of this place (you have to contribute five dollars a month or two dollars a drop-in to cover refreshments and use of linens) and the testimonials speak for themselves:

“I could get my own cuddles for free if I wanted, who told you that I couldn’t?” - Shivonne Hauser

“Oye! What is this, some kind of TMZ expose? I do not consent to be filmed!” - Lilo Lopez

“I come here all the time, although it’s mostly just to conk out. The cuddling I could take or leave. Oh, the candy’s good, though! And limitless with membership!” - Sebastian Rowe

Whoa there, cowboy! As much as we at the Catch are invested in the happiness of Sweet Babbu, you’re overreacting about this whole relationship thing. People are just nosy and like a good romance! Nobody will march them down the aisle at gunpoint, we assure you. We’re too far North for that kind of thing.

But since it seems to be a problem, then listen up, Sumnerites! From now on you should keep any and all opinions about Iddy and Attis strictly to yourselves, you bunch of chattering birds. Let them do what they want in peace, without anybody commenting on it.

Jen Alberink doesn’t owe you shit, and we’ll tell you why: if it took you 12 CALLS to realize the offer of good times was not forthcoming, then buddy you deserved to get fleeced.